Dear Honey,
I am dying inside right now. nothing i ever do or say is good enough for anyone, especially myself. i dont know how much longer i can go without having you here to hold me, comfort me, love me. i feel like a zombie most days, so unattached from everything and everyone but you. you see something in me that i dont even see in myself. i hate my life, my world is crashing down as each day passes and i cannot handle it. i want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. i have no energy to move. i have no energy to even keep my house clean. i want to die most days. you are part of the reason i keep going. you and my son and the very few friends i have. i am ready to give up on everything. ready to give up hope of ever finding someone to hold me, hope of ever getting better, hope of ever being a good mom. hope of living a "normal" life, having a good job, a husband and family, a house. every day that passes without you here takes away an ounce of faith i have. i may not be all that religious, but each day that passes without anything changing, i lose a little piece of faith in thinking theres a higher power that will one day make me happy, give me what i wish i deserved. i havent always been a good friend, or always been a good person but part of me wanted to believe that i deserved happiness. instead i get hurt, heartache, pain, the pain is almost too much to bear anymore. everyday makes me want you here a little more, and everyday brings a new set of tears. i love you baby, and slowly i am giving up on believing that i'll ever have you.
4/21/2007 love, your birdie
