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Crazy btch's blog: "journal"

created on 03/30/2007  |  http://fubar.com/journal/b69324
I have lost too many friends and I am the only one to blame. I have let my depression control me. I have let my emotions run wild. I have cried too many times over non sense. I have bitched and bitched without trying to change what it is I bitch about. Who have I become? I have become the exact person I hate. All I can do is try. I cant promise a quick change... and I cant promise that I will never complain... never cry... never relapse. but, I can promise that I will try to stop and remember that my life is beautiful the way it is.. and that there are so many people, so many families that have it worse. even as I have no money... I am rich with love. My life is changing.. because I need it to change. I will hope that my friends will stand behind me, and support me.. and try to help me with this. thank you in advance for your support.
i fear that i am going crazy, a little each day. nothing seems right. i moved 4 hours away from my home town where i was raised and lived all 22 years of my life... with the promise of a job when i got here. i packed up my son and all i own and jumped at the chance to make a new life for us. i got here, and now i dont have a job. they changed there mind, or hired someone else, or something. i am living off of unemployment which is only $1oo a wk, which only covers my rent.. not my sons diapers, nothing. my son is becoming more and more out of control, whether it be "terrible twos" or missing his dad, i dont know. i have very few friends, but the ones i have are great, yet they dont fill the void i have. i feel like i am drowning in a pool of emotions. slowly, day by day, i am losing a great friend more and more.. and i cant stand this. i dont mean to post to bitch about my life or to make people feel sorry for me, i just need to get this off my chest. sorry guys.
Why is that that no matter what i fucking so its never good enough for anybody?? why is that everything i do seems to offend someone, or someone thinks that i did it just to spite them? why is it that some people take everything i do as a sign of weakness when its actually a sign that i am trying to be strong? what the fuck is with people walking away from me when i ask them not to, and people not walking away from me when i want them to? what the fuck is with people trying to bring me down and make me feel like shit?? what the fuck is with people not understanding the words that come out of my mouth? i am tired of people, i am tired of peoples crap.. and i am tired of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from trying to please people all the time.

alone

have you ever been surrounded by people, yet felt so alone? like the river of tears flowing down your face go unnoticed? like nothing you say or do matters to anyone? why is it that no matter where i am, or who i am with, its as if i dont matter? i am alone and i hate it. i have no one to hold me, to comfort me. i have people who say they are my friends, yet when i need them the most, i dont know where they are... sitting next to me yet not seeing me at all. because i am not important.. its not about me. my son needs a mom that can care for him, unlike me. he needs someone who can play with him and laugh with him, and not push him away. i cant do that right now. i cant be the mom he needs. i cant be the friend that people need, the daughter my parents want, the girlfriend guys need. i am so alone and ready to just hide away and scream at the top of my lungs, and cry like i havent cried in a while. i need to just let it out and feel the feelings i am trying to suppress. i want someone to listen even when i am not saying anything. notice when i am crumbling. someone to take a raise my son and love him, give him what i cannot. i want to go to bed and stay there for a month, or a year, or never leave. i want to go to sleep and never wake up again. i dont want to feel the pain. i dont want to be alone, yet here i sit... alone and in more pain that i know how to deal with. i feel that i have screwed up on everything i have ever tried accomplishing. i feel that i have ruined all my chances of being happy. i hate myself for all the mistakes i have made. for all the people i have hurt. for all the pain i have inflicted upon myself. for all the times i have lashed out on those who didnt deserve it. for putting myself through all the bullshit i have gone through. i hate myself for not being able to control my weight, for not being able to control my depression and my anger. i hate myself for not being one of the girls that guys notice. i hate myself for everything. i hate the fact that i have never been enough to keep someone around. my love has never been enough for anyone. my friendship is never enough, the fact that i am a giving person. my down fall is that i care too much, i try too hard, and i long to be loved. i will do just about anything to gain love and attention, but when i get it, it never comes with respect. i put myself out there, and get rejected.. everytime. my own family lost all respect for me and doesnt want me around. what will it take to have happiness? what will it take to be the mom and the friend that i need to be? what will it take to have the tears go away?? i dont think i will ever know. so here i sit, alone.
Dear Honey, I am dying inside right now. nothing i ever do or say is good enough for anyone, especially myself. i dont know how much longer i can go without having you here to hold me, comfort me, love me. i feel like a zombie most days, so unattached from everything and everyone but you. you see something in me that i dont even see in myself. i hate my life, my world is crashing down as each day passes and i cannot handle it. i want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. i have no energy to move. i have no energy to even keep my house clean. i want to die most days. you are part of the reason i keep going. you and my son and the very few friends i have. i am ready to give up on everything. ready to give up hope of ever finding someone to hold me, hope of ever getting better, hope of ever being a good mom. hope of living a "normal" life, having a good job, a husband and family, a house. every day that passes without you here takes away an ounce of faith i have. i may not be all that religious, but each day that passes without anything changing, i lose a little piece of faith in thinking theres a higher power that will one day make me happy, give me what i wish i deserved. i havent always been a good friend, or always been a good person but part of me wanted to believe that i deserved happiness. instead i get hurt, heartache, pain, the pain is almost too much to bear anymore. everyday makes me want you here a little more, and everyday brings a new set of tears. i love you baby, and slowly i am giving up on believing that i'll ever have you. 4/21/2007 love, your birdie
why do i feel like i am so alone? i feel like i have pushed so many people out of my life.. so maybe people that i cared about, and that meant something special to me. i sit here while my son is sound a sleep, and think about my life.. he is all i have, and i dont know what i would do if he ever got taken from me. he is the reason i stand up in the morning, the reason i go to work, the reason i come home. he is all i have. without him i would have nothing what so ever. most days i feel like a bad mom because i want a break from him, or because i dont know how to interact with him. i feel alone because i have no one to turn to, no one to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. no one to share my day with. i will never have someone who will want to stay with me, never get married, never have the family that i secretly dream about. i am alone again, like always and it hurts more than my words or tears could explain.
I just cant seem to ease the pain i have... the physical and the emotional. i am searching for who i am, but i cant seem to find me. who am i? what is my purpose in life? what can i do that will make me feel happy and whole? who should i be with? i am just wishing that i could be happy, and i'm not really sure what happiness is right now. i have a lot of things i need to work out within myself before i can truly be happy with anyone, or make anyone happy and i know that, and i am trying. i tend to push people away when i am having a bad day, or when my depression is kicking my ass, and i dont mean to, but i do. i yell, and scream, and cry, and i hate myself when i am like that.. but i cant seem to make it stop. i seem to be naive, and i believe what people say when i shouldnt, but i do because it is easier to believe it that to walk away from it. i like hearing some of the stuff that people say, and i want to believe it so bad even when i know its not true. i have had a hard time walking away from a man who lives about a half hour away from me, and i wanted to believe that he really liked me, even though deep down i knew he didnt. i have always had a problem walking away from men in the past because i wanted to believe that someone really found me to be beautiful, but in the end, they always wanted the same thing. i dont know when i became a play toy, or sex toy for men, but i dont like it. i wish that i was wanted for my good conversations and for spending time together, not just blow jobs and sex. since when is it alright to use a woman? since when is it okay to play with someones head? people wonder why i have a hard time trusting, and why i always wonder and question their motives. i have a hard time believing things even when i should believe them, because i have been told so many lies in the past. i tend to back away from people because i am afraid of getting hurt, and lied to, and used again. when i do find someone, i question "how long before he hurts me to?" why cant i trust? why cant i just get over what has happened in the past? why cant i get over the hurt. i am hurting, not only with the fact that i have a bad back, and am in pain all the time, but emotionally, i am hurting. i feel like i am nevet good enough. i never succeed, i always fail. my own family doesnt talk to me hardly at all, i am not good enough for them, and i dont feel that i am good enough for my son. he needs a good mom, a mom that will be there for him and with him, and yet i send him with his dad more than i take him, because i dont feel that i can handle him at this point. i should have never had a child if i couldnt raise him and take care of him, but i love him with all my heart and want whats best for him, and right now i feel its best hes not with me too often until i can get the help i need to become more patient and become a better mom. well, i am done going on and on about shit most of you dont care about, so until next time... OWL
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