MsPuppie's blog: "Thoughts"

Have you ever had the feeling of true love being held just out of your reach? It starts out as just a glimmer...a faint sparkle in the corner of your eye, capturing your attention. Possibly a melody, so far off in the distance you can barely hear it, only to know it is the most beautiful sound you have ever heard. As curiousity prods you to investigate, you move closer, desire building to the point where every sense is filled with anticipation. You close your eyes, now, not merely a sight and sound, but you swear every breath takes in his scent, and the taste of his kiss lingers on your lips as though you had already experienced that sweet bliss. You open your eyes, and as you draw near to the place in your heart where you first felt that spark, desire turns to frustration as you realize the object of your passion is still the same distance away. Frustration soon leads to Fear. Luckily for me.. Fear..You are a demon I am all too familiar with. You have paralyzed me, tormented me, and disheartened me in the past. You have tried to make me cold and bitter and close my heart off from ever experiencing love again. We have battled many times, and many times you have won. Not This Time. I am Stronger now. I have someone worth fighting for now. I have someone who will fight at my side, not against me now. We are apart physically for now, but in heart, soul, mind and spirit we are as one, now and for eternity. I am not alone anymore.... And I am not afraid.

After countless painful situations and scars of the past, Trust is not a gift, but a reward that is earned...Letting go is the hardest thing to do, but when regret is not an option for the sake of your own sanity, and death is a cowards way out, letting go seems the most appropriate of choices. But what do you let go of? Do you take a chance on illusions of what you thought the future might be? Let go of your past completely, chain the demons that haunt you...for they're never really gone..just waiting below the surface...testing your self control...your willingness to change...Do you let go of the fear that has bound you...fear of repeating history...fear of unfullfilled desires...fear that if you take a chance and let go...you'll be picking up pieces of the puzzle yet again..trying to find whats missing that you thought you had found... Or is it easier to let go of that fairy tale? Existing as opposed to living? Safer yes...no more pain...but isolation. Solitude? Depends on your perception I suppose...but is it peaceful? Or will you be left wondering "what if?" I'll never walk alone...Fear seems to be my constant companion. But is that enough? Should I settle for being the Mistress of my own Demons or am I able to release them....better yet BANISH them...so I may find the peace and joy and LIFE that I wish for? ...It is within my grasp...I've breathed it...tasted it...held it close to my heart... Have I lost it? If I've let him into my heart only to capture my soul and scatter the pieces...Im afraid I will never forgive myself..I'm not sure I can heal myself again..or find the strength to pick up those pieces again.. I can only hope that Fear has not beaten me at my own game...Only He can tell me....

Much like the coming of the New Year, Birthdays have always been, for me, a time of reflection. Celebration of accomplishments over the previous year, collection of goals and dreams for the following year. Assessment of what I could have done differently, and vows to grow and welcome change in the time to come. Sometimes looking back can be difficult and disappointing. It is necessary, in my opinion, for how can one correct the misjudgments of the past if one refuses to acknowledge their existence. My point today, is not to dwell on failed ambitions, or misguided decisions..but to view them openly, honestly, and with the intent of learning from them, lessons ..which without them, I may not have known. I may not have gained much materialistically this past year, but I have been blessed with richness in strengthening bonds with family and friends, recognizing my own weaknesses and taking steps to improve myself, learning to be my own validation, and finally finding my spiritual path in the Love and Light of the Goddess. My flaws may be many, Mistakes? I've made plenty! But, the Blessings I've counted Are Greater than Any!! Happy Birthday to me! hehe Blessed Be!

Some believe there is no such thing as one other person out there somewhere that you connect with on so many levels that they can be labeled as such. Others believe you will meet many people in a lifetime that touch your soul in one way or another enough to say they fit the description of a soulmate. No matter which you believe, the heartbreak and scarring from past relationships and lost loves will sometimes make it hard to trust your own feelings when someone comes along that seems just too good to be true. Its been a long, hard road for me in this lifetime. Relationships have come and gone. I have freely given my heart away just to have the shattered remains thrown violently back at me many times. I've been torn down, emotionally raped to the point of putting up a wall so thick I thought noone would ever be able to break through it again. It's hard for me to trust, to let go of myself completely to anyone, although I feel in my heart that this is what is necessary to have the kind of love I have always dreamed of. I'd grown weary of chasing the rainbow, the "happily ever after" ending to the fairy tale. Desperately seeking someone to share my life with, settling for partners I knew in my heart would never make me happy, constantly looking for one thing that clicked enough to say YES! this is the "ONE", knowing that it wouldnt work out... it became tiresome. I promised myself I wouldn't allow anyone to take advantage of my heart again. I went so far as to date men that I KNEW I would never connect with just because it was safer, less risk of getting hurt when you have no intention of giving yourself to a relationship. I've learned in the few months, your past doesn't have to define you. It may have changed you, for better or worse, sometimes in ways you never realized, but it isn't who you are. Sometimes the pain you own from the past can connect you with your future. I have been taught by a very special man, that the ugly things that may have happened in past are not things you need to hide from. If you can confront your demons, one at a time, come to terms with how they have changed your life, your beliefs, and your perceptions...they no longer have a hold on you. Your heart can be free again. Your soul never changes..you remain who you are no matter what you've gone through. YOU are still inside. You don't have to search for that everlasting love. Fate will bring it to you. I have been given another chance, the last chance, Fate's final card...and I am absolutely leaping at it! When someone touches you so deeply that you can share everything with them..no matter how painful, embarrassing, damaging...and they only love you more for it.. THAT is your soulmate. When you find that person that you cannot breathe without, they are on your mind every minute of every day, your heart races just hearing their voice, you can talk with them about anything at all, or be silent without it feeling awkward, when their scent, or the touch of their hand sends you soaring ....if you've built the wall like I have, and someone comes along that crashes right through it instantly without even trying...it is the most incredible feeling in the world...That is your soulmate.. Giving yourself to someone so completely, and in return you are given the precious gift of their heart and soul...forever bound by mutual love, respect, trust..and much much more...you will be eternally free!

How many times have we said forever? I myself have, many, many times, and each time thought I meant it. Each time it passes my lips only to fall apart down the road, I try to learn something from it. Yet I still say it. This time is no different. "Fate's final card" ..I feel it in my heart, but here we are, slowly drifting apart. I cant recall the events that led up to this point. Events I thought would surely be emblazoned in my memory "forever", now are becoming hazy. Lost in a dream. Perhaps you were merely a dream. What remained of the passion we shared has faded, our communication is limited ...I feel you in my heart but yet you feel distant. Fear of knowing has prevented me from asking why. I do not wish to know the answer...I can't bear to hear the truth yet I do not wish to sort through lies. You've said you would not hurt me, you promised not to wrong me, neglect me, deceive me. Promises are only words without actions to enforce them. My love for you has grown, forever is within my reach. Only the truth, and you, can set me free. Until I know I am Forever bound...I am waiting for assurance...or is it awakening?