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Ever been hurt so bad that your so numb you can’t function or even think straight. Your cruising along in a relationship and it’s great, everything is more perfect than you could have ever imagined. You get closer and closer, confessing feelings for each other. Finally, after all that searching your happy and content. Your basking in the sunlight and even rainy days seem somehow wonderful. You start to make long term plans with that special person, you share inside jokes together, you keep bonding closer and closer. You have finally found someone who totally gets you and you have a connection you have never felt before ever. And then one day that special person decides it’s just not right and they want out. You hit a brick wall full force and think to yourself that any kind of physical pain would be better than that feeling at that single moment. Been there? We all have. You sit there in utter disbelief and confusion. You just can’t figure out where or what went wrong. You seek answers but there aren’t any because the person you thought was that special person also has a mind of their own and can do whatever they choose. You can’t change their mind, or make them see the logic from your perspective. You go over and over it in your head to try to figure out what you might have done. And the worst part is that you love them so much you can’t even get angry at them. Anger is so much easier than a broken heart. You wonder why you can’t get angry, this person has taken your trust, your love, your very soul and tossed it aside and yet you just can’t get angry. All you want to do is break through and hold them. Tell them that your sorry for whatever it was that you did so bad to make them walk away. You desperately want yesterday back, but you can never go back. But they won’t even talk to you, making your feel even worse. All the broken promises, all the hopes and dreams ruined in just one moment. Then you wonder if it was all lies on their part. Did they really love you, did they just say what they said to get what they wanted. You know deep down that can’t be true, at least you hope it’s not. Could you have been that naïve and stupid? But, there just aren’t any answers, and probably won’t ever be any answers. How do you go forward, how to do you survive and better yet, how in the world do you possibly EVER trust anyone else in a relationship? People start giving you all sorts of advice…wait a little, maybe they’ll come back…give yourself some time before dating again…date right away, it’ll help you heal faster. What to do? You feel so numb to everything that caring for someone else seems almost impossible. You know you need to try to connect with the outside world because sitting around alone isn’t a good thing. But, you guard your heart very closely the next time around. I often wonder if people get to the point where they just can’t ever trust anymore or go forward. I’m not there yet, but each time heartache comes I feel as though I’m getting closer and closer to not being able to feel anything ever again. That scares me. Have you been there? Do you have theses thoughts? Pretty scary, aren’t they? What if I can’t ever feel again, and spend the rest of my life alone? Breakups are perhaps the hardest things we have to deal with except for death, but we need to stand strong, and hold onto our dreams in the face of emotional devastation. Always remembering that we find our strength from inside ourselves and not from other people. Other people will always let you down and the only one you can really count on is yourself. So, you walk away, not having any answers but still able to have peace of mind because you know there is always tomorrow and the options are unlimited.
Is the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” true? I think so. I’ve loved and lost and felt the pain. We all have at some point. But, after the pain fades, you can remember and take comfort in the good times. Because no matter how bad the relationship turned out there were some good times to remember. Even then as we sit and ponder new relationships we still hesitate, remembering the hurt that came from old breakups. We drag our feet, hold our emotions back, and back peddle in a new relationship. Then we remember how great it is to be in a relationship…the laughing, the comfort the security and the love, and we want to move forward and feel those things again despite our doubts. If we could only just freely let our emotions show, open ourselves up completely and fully to the other person. Just revel in the moment, relax and let tomorrow take care of itself. How wonderful life would be. However those walls and memories of love gone bad stand in our way. Sometimes making it almost impossible to open ourselves up to another person, dooming us to live unloved and alone forever. We find logical reasons, excuses, anything to keep our distance from the other person. So, what’s the answer? I don’t have any answers. Just sitting here thinking on these things as I continue my new life in this dating world of 40 and over. Do we just go from person to person, never really getting inside their heads, growing to know them and love them? That would be the safe way to proceed, no hurt there. Or do we fall for each person we meet only to find out they don’t feel the same way and get hurt again and again? No, of course not. There has to be a happy medium somewhere along the way I would think. Or perhaps when “the one” comes along we’ll just know it and it will be wonderful. I suppose we’ll all look back on our lives in old age and it will all make sense to us, but until then without the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, we’ll have to just do our best each day and hope for the best. I wish you all luck in your individual searches for someone to love, whether it be forever or just for now, to be loved is what we’re all really looking for in some way, shape or form. It’s a basic human need. If there was more love in the world, it would be a much better place to live, I do firmly believe that.
When your young you wonder what true love is and if you’ll ever find it. You date, and think each person is ‘the one’ but then as time goes on you realize that it was all an illusion and he/she wasn’t the one you to fulfill all your hopes, dreams and desires. As young people we looked, dated, loved, got disappointed and eventually got burned. But, these experiences taught us that life goes on despite break ups and heartaches. And it also taught us more about ourselves and what we really want out of life. In our young adult hood we were so self assured and felt we knew for sure exactly what we wanted from a mate. We still dated and finally found ‘the one’. If your lucky, your still with ‘the one’, but most of us found that our judgment wasn’t quite what we thought it was, and learned over the years that ‘the one’ was most definitely not the one we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. As the Neil Diamond song goes, “We all know the song…” We fight with our mate, struggle to work it out because no one really wants to divorce. We wonder how we could have messed up so bad, how could we have been so wrong., what will people think, will the kids be OK, ect. Finally the divorce is final, the kids are settled into a new routine and life goes on. The daily routines are still there, work is still there, chores get done, but life is empty without meaning. Where do we go from here? Is true love just an illusion, does it really exist somewhere, or are we destined to just go from person to person in hopes of finding true love but never really achieving that? I ask these questions because this is where I find myself these days. I don’t want any answers, just to ponder on these things for a moment. I’ve thought in my life that I’ve been in love on a few different occasions but only to have it fizzle out and die. Did I expect too much, too little? Did the other person just not have the ability to love enough? When you care for someone else, when are you showing too much or too little love? Even though most of hate playing games, love seems more like a game than reality these days? Almost like a roller coaster ride most of don’t know how to get off of. I haven’t figured out all the intricacies of love, I don’t think anyone has. But, I would be willing to bet most of us have been down this road and ended up as confused as I feel most days. Hang in there, maybe some day we will all find that one special person who truly loves us for who we are and except what we have to offer free from conditions.
Every day we are confronted with minor choices like what to have for lunch, what to watch on TV, what movie to see. Then there are the choices where we take a little more time to think about like which car to drive, what job to take and which neighborhood to live in. But then there are major forks in the road which really make us stop and ponder for a moment. Most times these forks have to do with relationships but not always. There’s that fork in the road, both sides looking equally appealing. How do you know which one to choose? It can be difficult because you know there is one that is better than the other, but from this perspective you just don’t know, they look the same. One side will have an easy road, warm sunshine, sweet smelling flowers and end in a wonderful place with rainbows and children laughing, metaphorically speaking of course. Every ones paradise varies. The other or wrong side starts out looking great and wonderful until you notice that the road starts to get a little rocky and there are less and less flowers. But, you’ve come so far, you don’t want to waste all your time and stop now so you continue down this road thinking maybe this is just a bad spot. This continues until finally you realize that you’ve come to a steep precipice and your only choices are to jump or to make your way back along the horrible rocky road to the fork to take the other side. And you have to hope that, that road is still open once you get there. This spot has crept up on you even though you’ve known it was coming for awhile now and just refused to admit it to yourself. The road just got ever so slowly rocky and you just didn’t realize how bad it was until you got to the precipice. So, you gather yourself together, use your inner strength and head back. Along the way, you think to yourself, how can I make the right choice the next time I’m standing there at the fork in the road? How does anyone really know which way to take? Sure, people try to use logic, make lists of pros and cons, ect. But, in the end it’s your choice. I hope when your confronted with this that you make the right choices in your life and not have to walk back down that lonely, rocky path to find yourself again.
Why is always that life is two steps forward and one step back? Why does it seem like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you just can’t get ahead? I’ve always believed the world is what you make of it and I’ve always been a strong go getter. As a get older, I seem to be losing some of that get up and go spirit. I’m starting to search in new areas and into new things to rekindle that fire. I know that fire is still there, just buried deep, and smoldering somewhere. I need to feed it and strength it until it is strong and vibrant again. I need that fiery strength to help get through life at this point. Everywhere I turn obstacles are my way. Frustrating, but not impossible to overcome. So, I move forward, gaining strength, and take each day as it comes. No matter how complicated, frustrating and cumbersome it might be. Thank you to all my friends on here for making each day just a little better and brighter. You make it a lot easier to see that life is still good and fun
Ever been in a crowded room and been the lonelyest person there? Why is it that I have so many people around me yet I feel unfulfilled and lonely? Why is that a stranger can make me smile while the people who are suppose to be closet to me can't? Why is it that I find nothing in my life but work and people wanting things from me? OK, I have many children who constantly are demanding from me every day. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and that part of my life, but at the end of the day I feel as though I have nothing left to give back to anyone else because I've gotten little to nothing from anyone else. I feel like I can't even think about next week or next year because I'm so focused on just getting through today. So, here I sit, taking a few moments from my day to ponder these things. I'm not depressed or angry, just wondering where does life go from here. Is this all there is? Is there more somewhere? I don't have any answers just questions. I guess it's the age old questions of why are we here and who are we really? Just pondering.....
