shadowwolf's blog: "shadowwolf"

for thirty years at night sleep did elude me past terrors and traumas pursued me i get terrified when the sun goes down trapped in my own head no one around now things are starting to change my whole world to be rearranged a new love a lighter heart a new life mine to start fell asleep and awoke in the night shocked myself first time no fright im sleeping at night now just a lil more wondering if your the one who slammed that door cant wait to sleep with you i wonder what its like to sleep a whole night through

the heat is heavy with the taste of centuries past the shadows of pyramids cool as i enter i hear an echo of long past ceremonies my nose twitches full of the smell of mummified remains and the dry smell of long ago burned incense my fingers trailing along the wall almost understanding the hieroglyphics there in awe i absorb all this advanced culture left us fragments pieces dreams and dust

mirror mirror in our minds shattering breaking keeping time I'm not beautiful been called ugly all my life mirror mirror blending life i was used badly and you as well mirror mirror showing hell i abused myself and you did too mirror mirror 1 or 2?we ran from reflection we couldn't see mirror mirror is him/me so many things we did lack mirror mirror is reflecting back you held me as i held you mirror mirror is it 2? pain hope dreams and nightmares mirror mirror reflecting stares it is over healing has begun mirror mirror now shows 1

i walk again to my refrigerator i told myself earlier id not do this later i stand again the door in hand my brain fuzzy in no mans land i eat something i do not no hmm bemused i study my toe the game is on but i cant keep score light it up lets smoke some more another bill came in the mail today the phone rings a delivery on its way i count out the money the bill forgotten tomorrow when the cables out ill feel rotten people in and out all night more smoke buddies no friends in sight the phone rings at three am oh shit i missed work again i sit and promise to again quit 3 friends walk in with the good shit in fron of the fridge with door in hand an addict his brain fried in no mans land

sunshine and laughter and what comes after i wonder whats in store less scared im walking through your door shadows behind and sunlight ahead nightmares fading from my head its hard walking on a new highway the scary is familiar was my way letting go of things one by one trying to stand in loves light and sun i try to run and hide away your love surrounds me fear kept at bay i lean into you your loving embrace forgetting pain shame and disgrace your arms are tighter holding me well welcome to life baby no more hell silent tears i will still shed a funny feeling finding out im not dead

small pieces of me tumbling to the ground letting go without much sound let go baby you in my ear compassion love acceptance all i hear but ive never been wanted im dirty used and never been right your arms around me holding me tight forget your past let go to me i love you cant you see pieces breaking from my mind waiting for rejection every time every memory a trip to hell you pull them out make me tell holding me tight as im letting things go healing my heart and my soul tears falling faster im breaking apart an i know baby a new life to start ive never let anyone in to see the awful person that is me you come to me pick up my head seeing beauty love worthiness instead im letting go slowly one hurt at a time your eyes telling me you are mine lots of hurts years of pain being taught to dream and love again crying softly as im letting go knowing you love me for our tomorrows the past behind me a future ahead letting go to the nightmares dreaming instead

i think we met when you were just about 3 i was 5 and didnt want to play with a baby you were mad when i started school i got mad when you did too we learned to skate at roller town we laughed each time we fell down we were blood sisters rotten to the core remember kerri stealing from the discount store we sewed our names in our skin with bright blue thread and where whipped soundly sent to bed i stole the moonshine and we both got bombed stacy ratted us out you were right along hours out the back window talking all night even on those few times we had had a fight you kissed adam slept with him too you told me all what could i do you had your babies i had mine one set of kids we had at same time our hair we dyed every week we sure love our parents to freak ski patrolling down the block you stealing your moms car we hated to walk we both loved cocain acid and speed my brother richy liked you so free weed the drug bust at garys house on halloween your moms face damn det grasso was mean all the times our parents never knew i never did go to rascals did you? how many movies we never even saw instead fake ids some sleezy bar my heart is breaking kerri your no longer hear a few more memories i will hold dear sitting quiet now my thoughts slow at last thanks for the love my sister im sorry youve passed i told dad sis he did cry i love you kerri sleep well good bye

standing in the mountains shadows i feel the weight of an ancient world the chill and the heaviness letting me feel the strength of a world that i am but a second in time too i step from the shadows and cold into the brightness and warmth of the valley crushing the last of last winters growth the scent of pine fills the air i look across the meadow for a moment caught between two worlds i slowly walk back to the trail down silently thanking the gods of earth for allowing me a moment with them

a quick glance a lowered gaze thoughts of romance in seconds not days warm sensation tingles too knowing on site i need you sexual positions float through my head pictures of you tied in my bed a soft sigh a waking wet dream on the escaltor we pass except for a brief flush my passions unseen