Ok here goes.......
My ex and I were married in '81-'83. When he divorced me it left me devestated, but I moved on. 18 1/2 years later we run back into each other. When we do run back into each other I am just getting out of my 9 year relationship with my ex-gf. He was just moving out of the trailer that he and his gf were living in.
They had been caught selling marijuana within so many feet of an elementary school and were facing a class C felony. His gf had asked her PO to write it up as terms of her probation that he and she could no longer live together. That is how I came to run back into him. His gf's cousin had to go talk to his gf about helping her move out, and I was with her.
I about shit myself when I saw him sitting on the couch for I still had so much love in my heart for him. I never thought I would ever love another man again. I thought I was forever a lesbian now. That is until I saw his face again.
He and his gf came to my house one day to sneak and see each other away from where she was staying because she didn't want her PO to find them two together and take her to jail. I didn't make a single move on him because until she told me she no longer was in-love with him.
Well, I let him and his 11 year old son move in with me and my 2 kids because they had lost their place to live. I even watched his son for him when he went to be with her. We had become fuck buddies with no strings attached even though I loved this man terribly.
All the time we were fuck buddies I knew he was still in love with her. He cried on my shoulder about her several times. After he would go to sleep it would be my turn to cry in private. Well, wouldn't you know it, I got pregnant. He didn't want the baby and I pretended not to want it either. The first time we were married I had 3 miscarriages and didn't believe I would carry it anyway so what did it matter. Only my mother knew how badly I wanted to have his baby.
When I began to lose yet another baby of ours, we went to a friend of his's and he worked on his truck. We were there for a total of 27 hours (3 hours he slept at my house then we went back). I lost our 4th child while handing him tools.That was Jan.'02.
The following month we get a phone call from his mom informing us that she had pancreatic cancer that had spread and she was going to die. Right then and there he asked me to marry him again. With his mom on the phone. I of course, said yes. At this time he wasn't working but I was, as a nurse.
We left for N.C. as soon as I could arrange time off. We packed up all 3 kids and headed out with our tax checks in our pockets. We went on our honeymoon while his dad kept the kids. When we got he called his ex-gf and talked to her while I was sleeping. He used my phone card to call her. I didn't find this out till we got back to Indiana. His son told me about it.
I had had an appointment to get fixed but while in NC I missed my appointment. I scheduled another one but found out that I couldn't be fixed because I was pregnant. He absolutely did NOT want me to have a baby. He said because we were too old, but that wasn't the only reason. I had also been told by his son that he said that as soon as he and his ex were off probation he was going to divorce me and marry her.
All the while I was working he would either go to her house to see her or go to her job just to be around her. When I tried to make an ultimatum about her or me, he would just say,"If that is the way you want it. Do you want me to leave." I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving me so I put up with that fact that he didn't love me. That he was only using me for a place to stay and because I could help him take care of his kid.
When I was 17 weeks pregnant for our son he had as rough of sex he could muster(I liked it rough but didn't want to kill our child), trying to get me to miscarry again. It almost worked! I began to bleed. I asked him,"If I am bleeding like this in the morning will you take me to the hospital?" He said, in a "whatever" tone, "I guess." So the next morning when I was still bleeding badly I called my mother and asked her to take me to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital my blood count was so low that if it had dropped one more point I would have to have a blood transfusion. I hadn't lost the baby yet but my cervix had started opening. They couldn't put me into the hospital to try to stop the process because I wasn't 20 weeks yet. He wasn't happy that I hadn't lost the baby.
Time went on with him not loving me but instead loving his ex. He told me he and she were just friends and that he promised her that no matter what he wouldn't let anyone come between their friendship, so he didn't. Not even his wife. Things did lessen up between them but he continued to talk to her and see her behind my back. He didn't think I knew but many ppl kept telling me about it.
I thought he was finally starting to love me just about the time Bruce was born. I saw love on his face for our little guy. He truely loved (and still does love) our miracle child.
When Bruce was 11 months old he had a granmal seizure, turned blue, and stopped breathing on us. The hospital thought it was a febrile seizure. In other words, a seizure brought on from having a fever that spiked rapidly.
On our baby's first birthday I noticed little guy spacing out alot so I told his doctor.(see pics in album and blog labeled,"disabilities surround me"). After being referred to a neurologist and after having an EEG performed I was told that our child had a seizure disorder and the doctor felt the cause was because of when I almost lost him at 17 weeks.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe that his daddy could have caused this baby to be like this from when he tried to kill him.
Finally at around 15 months my ex told his gf that she needed to stop being a problem in our marriage, or so he told me that he told her. When our baby was 18 months old my ex disappeared for 3 1/2 hours and wouldn't answer his cell phone. I found out through one of his co-workers that he had plans to go to her house and see her again behind my back. Then when he finally did call me he lied to me and told me he was just riding and didn't hear his phone ringing. My gut told me he was lying. Eventually I found out that he did in fact lie. He even swore on our baby's life that he hadn't been to her house.
Well time goes on and eventually he and she really did stop seeing each other all the time. I even became her friend so when they did see each other I was around to monitor it.
Now the shit really gets bad.........
April 24th at 2am my ex and my then 16 year old daughter get home. He went to get her from her gf's house to bring her home to me so I could question her about an issue I had.
While waiting for my daughter to get back to her friends so he could pick her up, I was talking to him on the phone.The car she was in pulled up and he told me he thought she had cigarettes on her but he wasn't sure. He said he would find out and call me back or let me know when they got home. When they did get home I asked him about the cigarettes. He told me that he was mistaken. My daughter was signing to me that she wanted to talk to me but not infront of him. I thought this was an attempt to divide and concure so I said, "If you have something to say about "him" say it here in front of him. That is when my entire world fell apart.
She told me that he had caught her with cigs and told her that if she showed him her titties he would not tell me. He immeadiately called her a liar. Said she was just saying that to take the focus off of her for the other insignificant shit.When I told him that I believed her, he got up and left the house. (The first week he was gone our son had 5 granmal seizures because of all the stress.)
2 weeks before this incident he had caught her smoking in the kitchen and told her, "what will you do for me if I don't tell your mom?". A friend of hers convinced her to tell me one week after it happened. When I confronted him on it he said that all he was trying to get her to do then was to do more housework since I was disabled.
Stupid me, I not only believed him but I convinced her that maybe she mistook his meaning.
During the next 3 1/2 weeks I was told so many things by this man that I had no self esteem left in me.
I was told that the reason he couldn't take a polygraph test was because he had thoughts about her and he was afraid it would make him look guilty even though he was innocent. He told me that the reason he had thoughts of her is because she looked so much like me when I was young and we were together the first time. He told me that my stomach turned him off.
When I asked him if he had ever fantasized about her while he and I made love, he said,"yes". He said that was why he couldn't take a polygraph. I told him that if he told the examiner this before the test they would ask specific questions so he wouldn't feel like he was lying and therefore he would pass the test if he didn't indeed do what he was charged with.
Finally after all of this crap, he admitted to trying to blackmail my daughter into showing him her "titties". He admits to not only asking her once, but when she turned him down, he asked her again. She says that after she turned him down the second time, he grabbed her boob anyway. This of course he denys.
Now after all of this he expects me to just forgive him and take him back into my heart. Now he says he loves me with all that he is, like I used to love him. He says,"I know I made a mistake and I'll never do anything like that again."
I feel what he did was much more than a "mistake". I think he knew what he was doing and the minute he saw her with that pack of cigs he had his plan set. I think he thought that since he had gotten away with trying to blackmail her into "favors" 2 weeks prior to this, he could get by with it again.
Now he says he was just testing her to see how promiscuous she was. Like I really am going to believe this! I may be stupid but I am not dumb! He says the reason we can't move on with our relationship is because I choose not to forgive him.
I started going back in time and remembering shit. Another incident that stood out in my mind was the day my daughter had a mini skirt on. She wasn't going anywhere but there in the house and it was almost bedtime. Instead of asking her if she had any shorts on under her skirt, he lifted her skirt to see for himself. I was madder than hell when this happened and I should have thrown him out right then and there!
I have been so stupid with this man but I will not allow him back in my life in that way. He thinks that after my daughter moves out, he can move right back in. I have told him already that isn't going to happen.
Well, now you know the story and why life sucks ass alot for me, and my kids!
