patty's blog: "Patty 's Ponderings"

Equality A Heartwarming Story Of The Advances Of Women In Achieving Equality Throughout The World Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in The Middle East several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to the region recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the woman. Frank Feldman A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could also golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy, then!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams; not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake." Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow." Quickies A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common and almost expected that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Rep told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens or the crystal. The bride said, "No, no, keep all the important stuff the same. I just want to change the name of the groom." ___________________________________ Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along some outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction... Moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc. Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south." ___________________________________ Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get? The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence." ___________________________________ Little Johnny went to the doctor to get a vaccination. After the shot, the doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm. Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm. The doctor said, "I put the Band-Aid over where you got the shot to let others know that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it. Why do you want it on the other arm?" Johnny answered, "You really don't know much about little boys, do you?" Railroad This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company regarding services of the latter. Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter The reply to the above: Dear Sir: We received your letter with the reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways And the counter-reply was: Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours Truly, A Commuter

“What are you doing?” I asked Willie as I passed by his house on my way home. “Awwww I’m just doin’ some porch sittin” he replied as he swung back and forth ever so slightly on his porch swing. As a child, I would often see Willie out on his porch. He was an older man who still worked hard around his place but he often took time off for some “porch sittin’”. “I got the radio on and the Cardinals will be playing ball here in a minute if you want to sit a spell,” Willie said as he scooted over on the swing and patted the seat next to him as he adjusted the volume on the radio. It was summertime and many other scenes such as the one I mention above took place everyday where I grew up. “Porch sittin” was a common activity. Nearly everyone had a porch with a wooden swing that hung down from chains that were held by hooks on the porch ceiling. Most swings held two or three people and if neighbors showed up to sit a spell then more chairs would be brought out from inside the house. The younger folks might sit on the porch steps while children played in the yard or found a tree to climb. The porch was like an extension of the living room because it was cooler out on the porch when the summer’s heat became uncomfortable. There wasn’t air conditioning so houses were often built so that they were situated where the breeze would waft across the porch and there was a roof that protected porch sitters from the sun and rain. Essentially, all the work that could possibly be done outdoors was transported to the porch where it was cooler and it seemed to make the job more enjoyable just by being outside in nature’s living room. It seems like a lot of living took place on porches in times past. At least it was that way where I grew up. Seeing a person sitting on their front porch was pretty much the same as an invitation for neighbors to stop by and pass the time of day. Many people did part of their garden work on their porches. It didn’t matter if it was snapping beans, hulling peas, or peeling apples someone was apt to sit down beside you and give you a hand with the chore. I remember a lot of visiting, discussions, and even problems solved while snapping green beans. Women learned from one another and often offered help for whatever need that was mentioned. “Try using a little corn starch on that baby’s diaper rash,” a young mother might learn from an older neighbor lady, “And next time you need to work out in the garden, just bring that little one over here and I’ll watch him, I kind of miss having a baby around,” the neighbor might say. Those were good times when porches were used for many things. Women did needle work or rocked babies, men whittled or fixed things, and children played “pretend”. Sometimes the porch was used to just get off alone for a time and read, meditate, or just do some thinking…“woolgathering” Momma used to call it. Even if the sun wasn’t shining, there was nothing quite like the sound of rain on the porch roof. It was such a secure feeling and a perfect time to curl up on the porch swing with a quilt and a good book and listen to the soft pattering of the raindrops. The summer nights were also very good for “porch sittin”. We made friends with the night sky as we enjoyed God’s creation. As a child I learned about stars and constellations from my parents. I learned how to identify the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, and then identify the North Star and the Milky Way. There were all the different night sounds that were a little frightening at first until Momma explained the howling of the coyotes, the loud noise of the bullfrog, and the calls of hoot owls and whippoorwills. We also watched the mysterious twinkling lightning bugs flit around in the dark. A permanent picture is engraved in my mind of my mother standing in a long white nightgown, arms outstretched above her, as she caught lightning bugs in a jar for me one hot summer’s night. Occasionally, when summer nights didn’t cool off enough to be comfortable for sleeping, some folks would sleep outside on their porches. My girlfriends and I thought that sleeping on the porch was a great adventure, except for that one time when the cat decided to bring us a gift and we woke up to find half of a mouse upon our quilt! In later years, my parents enclosed our front porch for an extra room. I hated to see the porch closed in but I was glad when my parents simply moved the old porch swing and hung it from the huge old maple tree where the family still gathered. Daddy and my brother would often sit out there under that tree and play their guitars, usually with a dog or two stretched out beneath their feet as they played one more chorus of “Just A Closer Walk With Thee.” I have always loved porch swings. After I was grown and married, the one thing that sold me on the house that we bought was the swing on the back porch that overlooked a pond. I’m glad to see that some houses being built today are going back to adding porches. Yet, it isn’t the porches, it’s the people that make the difference. As I drive through neighborhoods these days I sometimes wonder, “Where are all the people? Are they all at Wal-Mart or inside watching television?” If so, they are missing out on a lot. Why not shoo the kids outside and take a little time out for some “porch sittin”? Take something along to read or work on if you like but there’s nothing wrong with just sitting and doing nothing because it really isn’t doing nothing, it’s “porch sittin”. If practiced enough, you can become an expert at it. It seems like “porch sittin” is nearly a lost art. Perhaps we can still revive it. If you don’t have a porch, don’t worry, a chair out under a shade tree will do. I don’t have a porch like I once had either but I have a great imagination and all of God’s creation is still right there to enjoy. Well, it’s been a long day so I think I’ll go outside for a spell because it’s just about “porch sittin” time. By Pamela Perry Blaine

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A Riddle For You: What gets longer when pulled: Fits between the boobs: Inserts neatly in a hole: And works best when jerked: Scroll down to find the answer...... A SEAT BELT you pervert!!! BUCKLE up and pass it on! __._,_.___

GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

We have enjoyed redneck jokes for years, but it's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorist threatening my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up, with tire irons, squirrel guns, and grit -- You might be a redneck if. . .. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God ... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public places. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You bow your head when someone prays. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You treat American Veterans with great respect, and always have. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You've never burned an American flag. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Men Strike Back How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because w omen can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. --------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth...

Don't Make a Redhead Mad ! A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The redheaded nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. "After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. "This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost fifteen minutes, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation." ~~~~~~~~~~~ Deep Thoughts ... by Jack Handey The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. You only have one ass. Feel better?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, I can't unnerstand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?" "Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer's and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the livin shit out of 'em, and then eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big allig ator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yankee's baseball game Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates... .but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "OK, if that is what the fans want." "C' mere Hilly Baby...." With that Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill, you *&*@%^^$*!!!!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that?! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first pitch."

Gender-testing. .. Are You More Male or Female???????? To find the Answer, look down. V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V Not here, Stupid. Just look DOWN !!!