patty's blog: "Patty 's Ponderings"

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As the "High Holy" day drawers near...let us take some time to reflect: Being Irish means... * you will never play professional basketball * you swear very well * at least one of your cousins holds political office * you think you sing very well * you have no idea how to make a long story short * you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf * there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone * much of your food was boiled * you have never hit your head on the ceiling * you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling * you're strangely poetic after a few beers * you're poetic a lot * you will be punched for no good reason...a lot * some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations * your sister will punch you because your brother punched her * many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth * someone in your family is incredibly cheap * it is more than likely you * you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing * you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking * "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge" * you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency * there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party * you are, or know someone, named "Murph" * if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac" * if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully" * you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy * you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret * your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room and last but not least... Being Irish means... * your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!. It goes like this: Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!! Robert asked, "Man, what happened! To you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem." Well, what poem did you tell her? Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

Why Oreos Are Better Than Men (compiled by little Keebler elves) 10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard. 9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed. 8. They are always good. 7. They go away when you want them too. 6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair. 5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one. 4. It's always fun to swallow. 3. They never talk. 2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean. And the # 1 reason is.... 1. The creamy white stuff tastes good.

On our last vacation, Mrs. Professor and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first, the amorous couple amused us. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes we were a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping us awake. After half an hour we were incensed! After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He triped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord. Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney "Where are ye callin' from?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Three horny Mosquitoes named Joe, Butch & Terry Were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine Female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking About who could screw the hottest lightning bug. Joe sees a bright light fly by and land, he Flies over and screws it. He flies back to tell His buddies that she was really hot. Butch sees an even brighter light fly by and land, He flies over and screws it. Flies back and tell His buddies she was hotter than Joe's lightning bug. Terry sees a bright red light fly by and land, he Flies over pulls his penis out pokes the light And screams, comes back and both of his buddies Were happy for Terry, but Terry doesn't look happy. Joe asks "What's wrong, did she slap you?" Terry says "No" Butch asks " Did she kick you?" Terry says "No, I think she was a cigarette".

Carol Cunningham 2/16/2007 1:08 pm >>> THIS IS FABULOUS, NO MATTER WHAT POLITICAL PARTY YOU BACK UP, SENATOR JOHN GLENN DESERVES A STANDING OVATION !!!!!! Regardless of your political views, this certainly gives us all food for thought. Sen. Glenn was so quick on his feet. When you speak from the heart and with passion, you never know what comes out. SENATOR JOHN GLENN SAID: Things that make you think a little....... 1. There were 39 combat relate d killings in Iraq during the month of January....In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January. That's just one American City , about as deadly as the entire war torn country of Iraq . 2. When some claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following: FDR...led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year. Truman...finished that war and started one in Korea . North Korea never attacked us. >From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,334 per year. John F. Kennedy....started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us. Johnson...turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year. Clinton ...went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent, Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions. 3. In the two years since terrorists attacked us President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya , Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. (And now he has been HUNG!) The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but...It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick killing a woman. Wait, there's still more...................... Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one man's explanation of why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living. This is a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never served think of our military. JOHN GLENN ON THE SENATE FLOOR Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13 Senator Howard Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real job?" Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by antiaircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space progra m. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life that was on the line. It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day... to a veteran's hospital and look those men - with their mangled bodies - in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee... and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their Dads didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags. You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME that those people didn't have a job? I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum; you should be on your knees every day of your life thanking God that there were some men - SOME MEN - who held REAL jobs. And they required a dedication to a purpose - and a love of country and a dedication to duty that was more important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this country possible. I HAVE held a job, Howard! What about you?" For those wh o don't remember - During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an Attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. If you can read this, thank a teacher... If you are reading it in English thank a Marine.

Remember... Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food. ...If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan... Will Not Be Evenly Distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, just don't have any film. I always know...God won't give me more than I can handle. There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much. Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color. Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian. Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car! Bills travel through the mail... at twice the speed of checks. If you look like your passport picture... you probably need the trip. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!! Have A Great Day!!!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wisemen and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But, the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like se wage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered... Is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened? The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... Or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... Make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... What is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly