patty's blog: "Patty 's Ponderings"

A little 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath. "Mom," he asked, “are these my brains?" "Not yet!!" she replied.

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!! Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See Men just don't listen !

WHY AM I MARRIED? You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying." A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive." A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush! For God's sake, don't flush!!!"

THERE WAS A YOUNG WOMAN WHO LIVED WITH HER GRANDMOTHER. ONE NIGHT THE GRANDDAUGHTER CAME DRESSED TO GO OUT TO A PARTY WEARING A SEE THROUGH BLOUSE WITHOUT A BRA. HER GRANDMOTHER TOLD HER TO GO BACK UP STAIRS AND "DRESS DECENT." THE YOUNG WOMAN SAID, "NO, I WANT TO SHOW OFF MY ROSEBUDS" AND WENT OUT THE DOOR. THE NEXT DAY THE GRANDDAUGHTER CAME OUTSIDE TO FIND HER GRANDMOTHER ON THE PORCH WEARING THE SEE THROUGH BLOUSE WITHOUT A BRA. "GRANDMOTHER!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MY BOYFRIEND AND A COUPLE OF OTHER FRIENDS ARE COMING OVER ANY TIME NOW!" SHE CRIED. "PLEASE GO CHANGE YOUR BLOUSE, I'M SO EMBARRASSED!!" THE OLDER WOMAN REPLIED "WELL, IF YOU CAN SHOW OFF YOUR ROSEBUDS THEN I CAN SHOW OFF MY HANGING BASKETS." __._,_.___

12 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School 12) Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers." 11) All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies. 10) Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door, half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions. 9) Other students show up with sketchbooks. 8) Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and co-ordinating ascots. 7) Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking goin on. 6) The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps french fry baskets. 5) As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor say "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong." 4) You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbation and throwing feces at your attacker. 3) You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string. 2) Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner. and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School 1) At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."

We are tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed? 6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? 7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

What is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident? Turn off the ignition? NO Get away from the car in case it explodes? NO Call 911 on her cell phone? NO

I am the flag of the United States of America. My name is Old Glory. I fly atop the world's tallest buildings. I stand watch in America's halls of justice. I fly majestically over great institutes of learning. I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world. Look up! And see me! I stand for peace - honor - truth and justice. I stand for freedom I am confident - I am arrogant I am proud. When I am flown with my fellow banners My head is a little higher My colors a little truer. I bow to no one. I am recognized all over the world. I am worshipped - I am saluted - I am respected I am revered - I am loved, and I am feared. I have fought every battle of every war for more than 200 years: Gettysburg, Shilo, Appomatox, San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome, the beaches of Normandy, the deserts of Africa, the cane fields of the Philippines, the rice paddies andjungles of Guam, Okinawa, Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Guadalcanal, New Britain, Peleliu, and many more islands. And a score of places long forgotten by all but those who were with me. I was there. I led my soldiers - I followed them. I watched over them. They loved me. I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima. I was dirty, battle-worn and tired, but my soldiers cheered me, and I was proud. I have been soiled, burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free. It does not hurt, for I am invincible. I have been soiled, burned, torn and trampled on the streets of my country, and when it is by those with whom I have served in battle - it hurts. But I shall overcome - for I am strong. I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stand watch over the uncharted new frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon. I have been a silent witness to all of America's finest hours. But my finest hour comes when I am torn into strips to be used for bandages for my wounded comrades on the field of battle, When I fly at half mast to honor my soldiers, And when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving mother at the graveside of her fallen son. I am proud. My name is Old Glory. Dear God - Long may I wave. ~by Howard Schnauber~

Car Trouble A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" Speeding Ticket A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could se! e her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" At The Doctor's Office A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." Dogs A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" Dry Cleaners A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?” He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?” She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.” Blonde Logic Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????" ------------------------------... Making a Bet There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead. After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone. She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?" The sheep herder said, "Sure!" The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep." The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home." The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car. The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?" Blonde Cop Wannabe The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and Tomorrow," she replied. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" Thermos A blonde is in a store and sees a thermos. She picks it up and asks the clerk what it is. The clerk says, "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde decides to buy the thermos. She brings it to work the next day. The blonde's boss (also a blonde) asks what it is. "It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," explains the blonde. "So what do you have in it?" asks the boss. The blonde answers, "Some hot chocolate and a popcicle."