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sometimes i hate the fact that i am going to be 40 on the 21st of this month, my life is not completely on the track that it should be on. i mean hey have been married three times and in the process still of my third divorce, shit happens right? you fall in love with the wrong people sometimes cuz they say the right words to you and you fall for them. pretty lies is what my mother has always told me they are. i have a really amazing man in my life though i have hurt him several times i still love him and i know he loves me despite my faults or at least i hope he does. i guess turning 40 should have been a great milestone in my life, i have a so so job but i have five wonderful kids 3 of whom i have not talked to since 2000 on my birthday thanks to my second husband, men can be such asses at times and my oldest i talk to all the time via MSN or the phone got to see him when i went up to my step mom's funeral that was in itself not a fun event wish i knew her better before she passed away. Its times like this that i sit here and i think that maybe my life should have been better i shouldnt have done some of the things i have done and wish i were closer with my family back in NYC. if i could go back in time i would have still had all of my kids but after me and my present failed marriage i would have done things a lot different since i am at fault for things going the way that they did. they say you always hurt the ones you love the most and i have done that 10 fold lately it seems. well i thought at 40 also that i would still be in good health even though i knew that high blood pressure and diabetes were in my family of which i have both now and take meds twice a day for both. sometimes i wish i could lose the weight i have gained in the last few years since my youngest son was born i lost some of it but it seems to have found its way back and i am watching what i eat and when i eat and how much i eat lately trying so hard to lose the weight. at least i have done one good thing in this life and that has been to have my children even though i have lost a few along the way. i have some really wonderful friends in my life. I guess i just want to say that i wish that next year is better for me and that my life is on track more then it was this year and that my divorce will finally be final so i can go on with my life and hopefully someday get married to the man that truly loves me.
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