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IN REGARDS TO MY LIFE AND MY EX ( yes i got dumped Tuesday night by someone I loved dearly) OKAY...THIS IS WHERE I GET SERIOUS. AND I MAY THROW A COUPLE CLICHES OUT, BUT PLEASE FORGIVE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS.... I JUST NEED TO SAY THEM, BECAUSE I KNOW SOMEONE WILL READ THIS: I ALWAYS THOUGHT PEOPLE CAME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON. THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO PASS YOU A SIGN REASSURING YOU THAT YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH IN LIFE. I THINK SOMEWHERE I FUCKED UP. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE, AND AT ONE TIME WAS IN FULL CONTROL OF THAT AND MY LIFE. I DO NOT LIKE WHO I HAVE BECOME. I DO NOT LIKE THE REASONS I HAVE BECOME THIS. I DO NOT LIKE THAT THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL HAVE TURNED MY LIFE INTO THIS. ALL THIS, AND LIFE HAS BECOME QUITE CONFUSING TO ME. I FEEL LIKE IM DROWNING IN A POOL BUT KNOW HOW TO SWIM, AND WAS ONCE A MARATHON SWIMMER. I FEEL LIKE IM FALLING FROM AN AIRPLANE AND I FORGOT MY PARACHUTE, BUT WAS ONCE A WORLD CLASS SKYDIVER. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL OR WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO. IM COLD, LONELY, ALONE, DEPRESSED....WHEN ONCE I WAS THIS FUNNY, ASSURED,WONDERFUL PERSON. THIS PAST YEAR HAS TAKEN ALOT OUT OF ME, ALTHOUGH THERE HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TIMES THE HURT NOW FAR EXCEEDS THE HAPPINESS I ONCE HAD IN MY LIFE. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, DONT YOU JUST WANT TO BE WITH THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM, EVERY CHANCE YOU CAN GET? NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH OR WHAT PROBLEMS YOU HAVE IN YOUR OWN LIFE? I THOUGHT SO. BUT LIFE IS JUST COMPLICATED LIKE THAT. AND YOU CANT ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IF YOU WANT IT THAT BAD, WOULD YOU NOT FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN OR MAKE IT WORK? I MEAN THERE ARE SOME WILL- POWERED PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DO THE UNTHINKABLE, BECUASE THEY KNOW THEY CAN DO IT. DID I DO THE RIGHT THING? I DID, OR I THINK I DID. WHY DOESNT IT FEEL LIKE I DID? WHY DO I NOT FEEL ANY BETTER NOW THAT I MADE A HEART FEALT DECISION? TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, THAT WAS YOUR ANSWER TO ME, RIGHT? THAT IS SO CLICHE. SO IS MY ONCE FAVORITE QUOTE "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON." I FEEL SO ALONE. WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO, WHEN IN FACT I HAVE MANY MANY PEOPLE TALKING TO ME, LETTING ME KNOW THAT I DID GOOD, AND THAT MY DECISION WAS RIGHT. THE PART AFTER THE RIGHT DECISION IS THE PART THAT ALWAYS SUCKS. BUT I COULD MAKE THIS BETTER. I COULD TAKE IT BACK, PEOPLE TAKE BACK SHIT ALL THE TIME, WHY CANT I? MAYBE THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME, MAYBE EVERYTHING WILL GO MY WAY, MAYBE? MAYBE? I HATE THAT WORD. MAYBE IS JUST ANOTHER CLICHE THAT CLOUDS PROPER JUDGEMENT. NONE THE LESS I WAS TAKING A CHANCE, A RISK, WITH EVERYTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN. I JUST DO NOT KNOW ANY MORE. WHY DONT I FEEL LIKE IM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE? WHY DONT I FEEL BETTER NOW THAT I MADE A DECISION? WILL THE PAIN EVER STOP? WHO IS BEHIND THESE EYES? WHO IS RUNNING THIS FUCKING SHOW? WHO IS TOMMY?
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