its what you do to me's blog: "Hey blog...."

In this hole, that is me The dead are rolling over In this hole, thickening Dirt shovelled over shoulders I feel it in me, so overwhelmed Oh this pressured centre rising My life overturned, unfair the despair All these scars keep ripping open Peel me from the skin Tear me from the rind Does it make you happy now? Tear meat from the bone Tear me from myself Are you feeling happy now? In this hole, that is me A life that’s growing feeble In this hole, so limiting The sun has set all darkens Buried underneath, hands slip off the wheel Internal pathway to contention Peel me from the skin Tear me from the rind Does it make you happy now? Tear meat from the bone Tear me from myself Are you feeling happy now? (Are you) Happy? (Are you) Happy? Are you feeling happy? In this hole, that is me Left with a heart exhausted What’s my release? What sets me free? Do you pull me up just to push me down again? Peel me from the skin Tear me from the rind Does it make you happy now? Tear meat from the bone Tear me from myself Are you feeling happy now? Peel me from the skin (Peel me from the skin) Tear me from the rind Does it make you happy now? Tear meat from the bone (Tear meat from the bone) Tear me from myself Are you feeling happy now? Does it make you happy? Are you feeling happy? Are you fucking happy, now that I’m lost, left with nothing? Does it make you happy? Are you feeling happy? Are you fucking happy, now that I’m lost, left with nothing? Happy - Mudvayne.....ive been hearing this song over and over on the radio and its been stuck in my head

i dont know what my deal was with that first blog and everything. But if you wanted to know what exactly i was talking about here is the dream: (taken from my Myspace Blog) Everyone dreams and sometimes people remember those dreams and sometimes they dont. I usually dont remember any of my dreams, safe for a few. This dream that I had last night was one that i remember the main course, but some of the details are grey. However this dream when i woke up i wasnt happy at all. Not that the dream wasnt a happy one i just woke up to realize that it was just that...a dream. So heres a short recap of the dream: So if people dont know Im dating Alex, I dont care if you know or you dont know. Its not an issue whether or not its obvious on either end, but he is part of this dream. So moving on i dont remember where we were but he suddenly purposes to me with the ring that i had another dream about last year. Its a Claddegh ring, silver or platium (whatever) and on the band there was writing, but i dont remember it. Then in the heart were our two birthstones, two half hearts. Honestly it was a pretty awesome ring in my mind. Then after that it was the normal thing i guess about planning a wedding, the hectic crap involved. And then it happened we were in this beautiful church and i was surrounded by everyone and then after that we went to the reception oddly enough at the Gatehouse...(ya well been there enough times it came up)...and what could i say really, it was exactly how i wanted it to be. everything was wonderful and honestly i was amazingly happy. So after all of that before we even left the Gatehouse for the honeymoon, I woke up to the sound of Maytag howling at the train going by. So understandable thats a nice dream, am i correct? But when I woke up and i cried. Stupid i know, emo, well call me whatever you want, that doesnt change the fact that i did. Not because it was up at 3 in the morning and couldnt go back to sleep, but i realized that all through that dream i was with Alex. Holding his hand, hugging, and just being together with him. Thats a hard thing to wake up from and realize that you are alone. I know that im not alone really, but its hard when you dont have that person to turn around and hug or cuddle up against. Thats the one thing that I am dealing with right now, how much i miss his presence. Now i dont expect that to happen because i dont believe that it will any time soon. it was just another dream.

Ok i have a rant on here about my job i had at petsmart....well now i work at a place called Lionsgate and let me tell you.....it fucking sucks. We had a late night (meaning the shift didnt start until 11pm) and it was at the smaller house (Dove house) and we were cleaning it up and i hate it because that house smells like dead mice. Cause there are dead mice in the walls, and the mens bathroom smells like intense urine. None of that has been taken care of by the way...anyway im forced to go to the other bigger house (Gate house) to get supplies. Im in colorado, so we are in a fucking deep freeze and its like minus 2 or something outside. So i get there i get the stuff and i leave and finish up. Well one of oue co-workers goes back to the Gate house and tells us that the Ice Machine is flooding the kitchen. It wasnt bad so she said and we finished up. Its now 2 in the morning we get back over to the other house and the kitchen is completely covered in freezing water. The ice machine kept running and spiting out water. So we thought that it was just the kitchen, but we look down in the basement in the laundry room right underneath the machine and the basement is flooding and all the linens are getting soaked. So after an hour and a half or so we finally get a good portion of the water upstairs pushed outside and it instantly froze on the concrete. Worse part we called the owner and told her that it was flooding and all she said was fix it and clean it up. She didnt fucking care that water was literally everywhere. So needless to say i was frozen, my hair, my clothes, my sock froze to my ankle that i had cut the night before and ripped off my scab. Im pissed that Lionsgate didnt take care of that sooner. But i go back the next day and nothing was different nobody did anything to mop up water or fix anything. Victoria, a co-worker, cleaned and washed all the linens and took care of the basement. All by herself, and thats completely unfair. She had a rough time doing all of them because she only has one lung from lung cancer. The worst part was that we all did that water clean up off the clock because the owner would get pissed that we were wasting her money. Shows what kind of buisness they run.

These are all evanescence, and all very good ones too. I cycle all my music and right now im listening to evanescence a lot. So here are some lyrics that are touching me right now. why i dont know lol, they just are. ------------------------------------------------- Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow oh but God I want to let it go come to bed, don't make me sleep alone couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show never wanted it to be so cold just didn't drink enough to say you love me I can't hold on to me wonder what's wrong with me Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow Don't want to let it lay me down this time drown my will to fly here in the darkness I know myself can't break free until I let it go let me go Darling, I forgive you after all anything is better than to be alone and in the end I guess I had to fall always find my place among the ashes I can't hold on to me wonder what's wrong with me Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow oh but God I want to let it go ------------------------------------------------- I took their smiles and I made them mine I sold my soul just to hide the light And now I see what I really am A thief, a whore, and a liar I run to you (far away from this land) Call out your name (giving up, giving in) I see you there (still you are) Farther away I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind You give me all but the reason why I reach but I feel only air at night Not you, not love, just nothing I run to you (far away from this land) Call out your name (giving up, giving in) I see you there (still you are) Farther away Try to forget you But without you I feel nothing Don't leave me here, by myself I can't breathe I run to you (far away from this land) Call out your name (giving up, giving in) I see you there (still you are) Farther away Farther away Farther away Farther away Farther away Farther away ------------------------------------------------- The pain that grips you, the fear that binds you Releases life in me In our mutual shame we hide our eyes To blind them from the truth that finds a way from who we are Please don't be afraid when the darkness fades away The dawn will break the silence, screaming at our hearts My love for you still grows, this I do for you Before I try to fight the truth my final time Can't wash it all away Can't wish it all away Can't cry it all away Can't scratch it all away Lying beside you listening to you breathe The light that flows inside of you, burns inside of me Hold and speak to me of love without a sound Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you Cast me not away, say you'll be with me For I know I cannot bear it all alone Can't fight it all away Can't hope it all away Can't scream it all away It just won't fade away I try so hard

I had a dream last night that upset me. I would post it, but i dont want to raise anything or i really honestly dont wanna talk about it. It wasnt a horrible dream, it was a really nice dream. Its just that it was so unrealistic that when I woke up it was just hard. I wrote it down and i rememeber it. but thats about as far as i wanna go with it. Not that people would actually read this blog or anything i just dont want someone to think that its expected.

Love... love is one of those tricky words that seem to be used more often than needed. The American Heritage dictionary defines love as: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. So having that said now we get to the tricky part. When do you know that you love someone? Cant you have those same feelings, but not love them? Is that really how one defines love? The topic that I want to talk about is the loseness of the term "love". I have conversations with complete strangers and they continuely call me "love" or "hun" or say that im great and that they love me. (extreme yes, but its happened) And I have come to the fact that all they want is to get into my pants. and it clicked...the fastest way to get into someones pants is to tell them that you love them and BOOM! you get sex. I understand that this isnt true for most, but why has those three little words come with that out come? And when a person says that, how can you possibly know that they mean it? Its very difficult to determine this. But why does it have to be that hard? When i say that i love someone i mean it. I cant do anything but love. You should be able to give and recieve "I love you" without feeling obligated to having anything physical come after it. So now "i love you" has become meaningless spoken...when a person says "i love you" they have to show that they are really truely in love with you. However again thats a double edged sword. It doesnt have to be though. There are cute and nice gestures to show your affection towards another person, like picnics, or little notes, and crap like that. I had a pamphlet somewhere...anyway moving on... What im saying is that People i dont know, Dont tell me you love me, you dont know me. Dont call me "love" because im not your love. And stop trying to get into my pants because its never happening.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you Turning in circles Confusion is nothing new Flash back to warm nights Almost left behind A suitcase of memories Time after sometimes You picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me I can't hear what you've said And you say, go slow I've fallen behind The second hand unwinds If you're lost, you can look And you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting Time after time Time after time After your picture fades And darkness has turned to grey Watching through windows I'm wondering if you're okay And you say, go slow I've fallen behind The drum beats out of time If you're lost, you can look And you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time If you fall I will catch you I will be waiting Time after time Time after time Mm mm mm Time after time Woo ooo ooo Time after time Time after time

Ok so my finals were today two in a row and they werent that bad. Just Russian History and Roman History. I felt pretty confident. Anyway I decided to sell back my books cause I had a lot of them and i just wanted to get rid of them. So i lugged around at least 5-10 extra pounds of books today to sell back. Now understand that I paid for these books this semester and i spent again nearly 300 dollars. Me and my friend go to sell back the books and I whip out literally 12 books. The guy scans them and tell me that two of my books he cant take because the publisher is releasing a new edition. Ok the books in question were bought NEW and were SHRINK WRAPPED remember when you buy them new its more pricey... Yes ladies and gentlemen i paid nearly 140 dollars for just those books alone and i will not be getting anything back for them because the publisher decided to change a word on page 500 something and so a WHOLE new edition has to come out. You fuckers need to be dragged into the streets and shot because that isnt cool at all! I got 60 bucks for those books. out of nearly 300 i get 60. thanks....thanks for nothing douchewipes. I dont understand why you cant just give me like a couple of bucks. Then they give them back to me thinking that i want them. Um Fuck no i brought them here to SELL back not to have you scan some number and give it back to me saying that you cant take it cause the fucking publisher is releasing a new edition. THROW IT AWAY! dont give it back to me, FUCK YOU and THROW IT THE FUCK AWAY. recycle it and make underwear i dont care, just get it the fuck away from me. So ya im just a little peeved about that stupid endeavor cause it got me crap. I have a sore shoulder and 60 bucks. big whoop for me. Another thing that i wanna just touch on is why is it so hard to just give out cards? I mean its nice to recieve mail that isnt a fucking bill or credit card ad. Thats pretty much all ive gotten in the mail. and seriously would it kill you to spend a few bucks to buy a card? Better yet! Make your own! Fuck ive done that for a awhile cause wow im poor too, but yet i still manage to mail shit out and ive never really gotten anything in return. Patience is wearing thin on my end. Im obviously not on any priority list of yours. All im asking for is a fucking card....why cant i even get that from you.

Christmas is a very family oriented holiday. Duh. But hey we all have family that we want to celebrate with. I dont just say that my family is my immediate family members, sisters, mothers, fathers, etc. No I include my friends that i hold very dear and my boyfriend. They are like family to me. This christmas will be very skimpy cause I dont have a lot of money to get the people that i love presents. And everyone has asked me the same question lol not unlike what i expected, but the age old question of "What do you want for christmas?" and to be honest I really dont have any material things that I absoultely must have. There is only one thing that I want for christmas, but I dont say what it is because I know that I wont be able to get it. No its not those cute little ipods or a digital camera, or desperately needed pants lol; no its none of those because this gift is a living thing. And I dont ask for it because why ask for something that you know you cant ever have. Try as I might, nothing will replace what I want. I wont be able to get him this year, nor did i expect to...

Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster? Can you feel my trigger hand moving further down your back? When you hide, hide inside that body. But just remember that when I touch you, The more you shake the more you give away. Cold, but I'm still here. Blind, 'cause I'm so blind. Say never, we're far from comfortable this time. Cold, now we're so cold. Blind, and you're not mine. Say never, we're far from obvious this time. Wait another minute here, Time will kill us after all. Can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck? Fall into my eyes, fall into my lies. But don't you forget the more you turn away the more I want you to stay. Cold, but I'm still here. Blind, 'cause I'm so blind. Say never, we're far from comfortable this time. Cold, now we're so cold. Blind, and you're not mine. Say never, we're far from obvious this time. You're so endearing. You're so beautiful. Well I don't look like they do. And I don't love like they do. But I don't hate like they do. Am I ever on your mind? Cold, but I'm still here. Blind, 'cause I'm so blind. Say never, we're far from comfortable this time. Cold, now we're so cold. Blind, and you're not mine. Say never, we're far from obvious this time. Cold, you broke me from the very first night. I'd love you 'til the day that I die. I'm far too comfortable this time. Cold, I'd love you from the very first night. You broke me 'til the day that I die. I'm far too obvious this time.