its what you do to me's blog: "Hey blog...."

As I sit here and slowly close my eyes I take another deep breath And feel the wind pass through my body I'm the one in your soul Reflecting inner light Protect the ones who hold you Cradling your inner child I need serenity In a place where I can hide I need serenity Nothing changes, days go by Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing And when will we learn to control Tragic visions slowly stole my life Tore away everything Cheating me out of my time I'm the one who loves you No matter wrong or right And every day I hold you I hold you with my inner child I need serenity In a place where I can hide I need serenity Nothing changes, days go by Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing And when will we learn to control Where do we go when we just don't know And how do we relight the flame when it's cold Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing And when will we learn to control I need serenity

Ok i havent really written a blog in a while, I havent gotten inspired to really write anything until now. So last night I had a very confusing experience that I hope not to have again with this person. One thing that people should know about me is that Im a very nice person (i dont care about what certain people think, im not interested in their opinions. they know who they are) Im also a good person that will do basically anything for someone else. I dont expect much in return except not to be takemn for granted or to be riddiculed in my desicions in life. I am a real person that has real feelings, and i do have a heart that breaks. So anyway I just want to clear the air once again, and I dont care if that guy sees this or not, I am NOT an object. I am not a piece of meat that you can use and then decide if you want a relationship with. If i say no, I fucking mean no. There are no grey areas in that statement. I am comfortable with myself enough to know what I want and what I dont want. Dont sit there and tell me that Im not up to par with you. Dont sit there and tell me that im so inexperienced that im not on your level. And Dont you EVER call me a prude because I am faithful to a man that I love. I dont have meaningless sex because I dont believe in it. Dont tell me that Im not a real person because your view of life is so cynical and narrow, which makes you incapable of having that thing called emapthy. Dont bitch at me and tell me that I have to prove myself to you, when in reality I have nothing to prove to you if you dont want to be my friend then Fuck you. Its your loss not mine. I dont have time in my life to have a cynical whiner constantly whine about being alone, but doesnt do anything about it. I tell you the truth about me and you regard me as a joke. Im tired of people like you. Im tired of the person that cant enjoy life without bitching about every detail that goes wrong. Live your Fucking life and maybe you will get some life experience and love for yourself. Because who wants to be the girlfriend of a guy that has to compensate a good relationship with his ego. Grow up dude. Im done with that now. If you change your mind and your attitude on life then maybe we can be friends, but im not wasting my energy on someone who doesnt want to help themselves. (also posted on my myspace blog...)

Under your spell again I can't say no to you crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand I can't say no to you Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly now I can't let go of this dream I can't breathe but I feel Good enough I feel good enough for you Drink up sweet decadence I can't say no to you and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind I can't say no to you Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely now I can't let go of this dream can't believe that I feel Good enough I feel good enough its been such a long time coming, but I feel good and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall pour real life down on me cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough am I good enough for you to love me too? so take care what you ask of me cause I can't say no

Hey folks, well i might not be online a lot, there are things going on in my life that are taking a huge toll on me and i dont know how to handle them. I need someone and he isnt there and its upsetting me tremendously. And i need a new direction in my life, so please dont hate me ill be online every now and then, but im sorry in advance.

Godlove and rest my soul With this sundown neverending The feel is gone yet you ain't gonna see me fail I am the decadence of your world I am an eider covered in oil Happy hunting, you double-faced carnivore Tell me why No heart to cry Hang me high The music is dead, the amen is said The kiss of faith is what I beg A loving heart 'n soul for sale Tell me why No heart to cry Hang me high Leave me be And cease to tell me how to feel To grieve, to shield myself from evil Leave me be Od of lies is killing me Romanticide Till love do me part See me ruined by my own creations Leave me be And cease to tell me how to feel To grieve, to shield myself from evil Leave me be Od of lies is killing me Romanticide Till love do me part [Marco] Dead Boy's alive but without sense I need a near-death experience Heart once bold Now turned to stone Perfection my messenger from hell [Tarja] Wine turns to water Campfires freeze, loveletters burn Romance is lost Lord, let me be wrong in this pain [Marco] Temporary pain, eternal shame To take part in this devil's chess game Spit on me, let go, get rid of me And try to survive your stupidity

Ok we all know about this holiday....im usually ok with it, but meh i dont do anything for it really. There isnt a reason for me to really anything cause ya. Anyway this valentines day me and my friend erika have been blue and honestly really moody and in desperate need of chocolate and possibly some awesome drunk sex....oh the possiblities....ANYWAY! despite the lack of maleness we are going to have a kick ass mutual romantic holiday of movies and dinner. it will be awesome!.....god do i really need some sex period....

Well i just got back from cutting my hair, i dont have time to post photos tonight, BUT that doesnt mean that i wont tomorrow. I like it, im waiting till all the highlights are out and then im going to grow it out crazy long and donate it to Locks of Love. im still crappy, but if i dont do anything nothing will change. This coming from another sleepless night. I thought that i was asleep, but i realized that i was only staring at the celing zoning out. lol Great fun let me tell you, me and Maytag ditched my classes today to just sleep. and I got about three hours of it before my sister decided to wake me up by texting me stupid shit. So im butt tired....lets see if i sleep tonight!

im so tired of my life right now. im tired of being hurt, confused, rejected, stressed out, pushed to my limit, and more. im tired to the point where i dont feel like going anywhere, moving ahead in any direction, i feel like crawling under a rock and just dying alone. Because at the end of my life i will most likely be alone. im tired of trying to give people hope when they are convinced they have none. im tired of telling people what i think only to have them looked over and then pushed aside. Do you recognize me?! Im that other person that is in this too. Im that person that you didnt realize that your decision effected too. See me?! im here trying desperately to understand why im here. Take a good look because you never know when i wont be there.

Right well its rare to find me in thought lol so feel lucky cause it comes and goes and then its gone! anyway I was in my Philosophy class and i was listening (or trying to, i fall asleep a lot)to the teacher talk about these stages in life. Right im not a philosophy major, never will be, but when i thought about how they apply to my life i realized that the choice is all mine in the direction that i want to take it. The only problem is that we all get stuck trying to make a decision that will effect the course of our lives. It all comes down to a leap of faith. Because you never know what you will miss if you dont, and you will never know what you could have done if you didnt. And im not solely talking about religious faith, im talking about faith in yourself. You will always have support of friends and family, but when it comes down to it...they dont decide what you do in your life. Leaps of faith signify that you have made a choice, most of the time it will be for the better. Have faith in yourself and guess what, it will take you anywhere you want to go. I have taken leaps of faith and i have had my doubts about the decisions that ive made. But what has happened to me i will never regret. I have friends that i absoultly adore with all my heart, I have family that honestly annoy the crap out of me but i wouldnt trade them for the world. And I have the most wonderful person that i feel so blessed to have met and be an influence in my life. You have helped me through the most difficult time in my life, you have been a driving force for me to be what i know i can be. Alex i dont know if you realize it or not, but seriously dude you mean a lot to me. I love you with everything that i have. I know that you will find that everything can fall into place. well now that thats out of the way, me and my sick ass have to go to bed to be at that philosophy class tomorrow...woo! i still dont have my book for that class....

Hey people or the people that read this.....ya anyway i just want to say that things have taken a rough turn in my life and got down a nice shit hole. If you read my other blog on here called "Are you happy now?" that song pretty much sums up my mood. Im going to be busy and i dont know if i will be able to be on or not. I apologize in advance pretty much. Its just that so many things have piled up and gone wrong that its so hard to deal with it. and i have support and everything, but i lost some of my support and im taking that loss kinda hard too. I love you all and i will try to be on to say hi and show love.