its what you do to me's blog: "Hey blog...."

for those who dont know my dog, Maytag, was put down yesterday afternoon from complications with some tumors in her lungs. She was having trouble breathing and now she is in a happy place and is sorely missed.

I dont really know what else to do, i guess writing in a blog that wont really be read by a lot of people would work. Im just utterly depressed and I cant seem to get out of that stupid little hole that I dug myself. I dont seem to be mending like im supposed to. And Im working so hard only to have it all slapped in my face after two weeks. An insulting paycheck, alone because I wasnt worth it anymore, i have to try and find more jobs to find some kind of balance while going to school and maybe telling myself that I'm worth someones time in the work field. Sometimes I wonder how much my life is actually worth living...and there are more cons than pros. Maybe I should just end it.

You hurt me. You made me feel like i was worth something and you ripped that all away. You werent willing to sacrafice your time and money on me, but you were all willing to make me sacraifce those for you. You didnt give me the time of day and you never acknowledged me ever, but you can be affectionate and crap with other girls. You said you loved me and that was it it was all talk. I said I loved you and I did something to show that I loved you. Im angry and upset with you. You cant toy with someones feelings, but that doesnt matter to you anyway. My feelings werent taken into consideration when you decided to rip my heart out. I doubt that you will ever read this because you never look at my profile anyway and you hardly read what I write so why am I even writing this? I dont know Im just really angry and upset and I needed something to vent what i was feeling. And i dont know what im doing anymore and it doesnt matter anymore anyway cause i dont matter

I see nothing in your eyes And the more I see the less I like Is it over yet? In my head I know nothing of your kind And I won't reveal your evil mind Is it over yet? I can't win So sacrifice yourself And let me have what's left I know that I can find The fire in your eyes I'm going all the way Get away please You take the breath right out of me You left a hole where my heart should be You got to fight just to make it through Cause I will be the death of you This will be all over soon Pour the salt into the open wound Is it over yet? Let me in So sacrifice yourself And let me have what's left I know that I can find The fire in your eyes I'm going all the way Go away please You take the breath right out of me You left a hole where my heart should be You got to fight just to make it through Cause I will be the death of you I'm waiting I'm praying Realize Start hating You take the breath right out of me You left a hole where my heart should be You got to fight just to make it through Cause I will be the death of you

In life sacrafice is part of our daily routine. Should I have this or that OR should I sacrafice those two entirely and have this later? We may not realize it but sacraficing things are necessary if we want to follow something or be with someone. One thing that I dont understand is why somepeople choose to not sacrafice their security and leave their comfort zone and just follow what their heart tells them. If I sound like a hippie...too bad. Im not a hippie, but Im mostly talking about relationships. Ive watched couples and talked to them and ive realized that in someway or another one or both had to sacrafice something to be with the one that they love. They really didnt regret their decision because they said that it was something that they wanted to do in order to be happy with that other person. Another thing is that people become so engrained in their surroundings and dont venture out and try to find something different. Its scary I know that because Im scared of it. Home is where your heart is, and its easy to get lost. I know that I need to venture out, but I dont understand why I had to be that person. How come I sacraficed so much already and ended up with nothing. Am I not important enough? Apparently not. Im a little bitter because everytime i sacrafice myself to try and save something Im pushed away and left with nothing. I end up empty handed and alone. Its easy to be comfortable in that little life that you have made for yourself, but the question remains what are you giving up to stay in that comfort zone? So I asked the question is it possible to sacrafice something, and yes I believe that it is possible. However it depends on the person and whether they truely want to sacrafice something to be happy. I guess I didnt give up the right things, Im still empty handed and alone.

Its been a long ass week of total emo crappiness. I mean when you think of the word emo, dont envision the emo trend crap, but the whole i want to crawl into a hole and die. where what i have to do is keep myself busy so i dont think about anything. so guess what im gonna share my emoness cause hell its better than crawling into a hole and dying right now at least... so to start with my biggest deal is that my classes and my major arent suiting me. well that and my minor, i just picked a combo that i thought would be perfect for me. well guess what i was wrong, i love history but damn i just cant keep up with it. The homework is getting harder and the classes are just well not interesting me like i thought that they would. So now i have to go back to square one and re-evaluate everything. so its awesome that i have to go back to square one to begin with, im unhappy and my teacher for English history is hounding me cause im not doing well in her class and i almost failed her midterm. im completely unhappy cause i knew what i was talking about and bam doesnt matter anymore cause im wrong. thanks i hate you too. so while that happens my mom tells me again that she wont be moving out here because the insurence with held her medication and she didnt have the income to be able to come out here and stay. plus my grandmother and my aunt say that she just isnt ready to be out there anyway. so now my mom is recovering from that and hoping that she has no after effects from being off her medication for so long. and the fact that now she isnt going to be moving out here. it doesnt end there....then while im dealing with that my relationship ends. i dont want to go into details cause im still sore about it. so just when i thought that maybe God didnt like me very much right now, he throws another blow...my friend Rachel gets into an accident and her boyfriend Andrew dies, who Andrew i know we never really knew each other, but i knew that you were an awesome guy and my thoughts and prayers go to his family and friends. and Rachel is now in the hospital slowly recovering, but you never know can you. I havent been able to see her and i didnt want to visit her in the hospital after an accident. so im throughly convinced that God either hates me or he is dumping stuff on my lap cause i cant possibly think anything can get anyworse. watch something will... P.S. im still whole and uncut and i plan on staying that way. so whoever wagered that i was going to either kill myself or shred myself into pieces guess what your wrong. thanks for the vote of confidence.

I like, Where we are, When we drive, In your car. I like, Where we are, Here. Cause our lips, Can touch. And our cheeks, Can brush. Our lips can touch, Here. Where you are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. I like, Where you sleep, When you sleep, Next to me. I like, Where you sleep, Here. Our lips, Can touch. And our cheeks, Can brush. Cause our lips can touch, Here. Where you are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. Our lips can touch. Our lips can touch, Here. You are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your... You are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite, miss you quite..." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now theres no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. Here, here, here, here in your arms. Oh, here in your... arms.

I cannot see beyond this void, this is something I cannot avoid. my friends, and family cannot help me, I've lost my way can't you see? Follow the path, lead the way, I can't hide my pain away. Breathing fast, my heart is racing, still can't deal with the problems I'm facing Everything spinning round and round, yet everything stops when I hit the ground. heart beat slowing, and its hard to breathe, my world is swirling all around me. Good bye mother, good bye father, I'm sorry that I was such a bother. Please move on and do not dwell, for it was because of you that I fell. You hit, you shoved, you pushed to far, and now you left a permament scar. It was with a hevy heart that I did decide, that I would commit suicide. ~Jennifer Fitzgerald-Cox

Im running from a dark and dreary past, Into your arms Ill be at last. Your heart beats like a drum in my ear, And then I have no fear. For our love has taken root and grown strong, It will never lead us wrong. Forever together we will stay, Until our bones are to lay, In a flowing meadow overlooking eternity. ~Jennifer Fitzgerald-Cox

My love for thee is like a rose, fragile and bold, Your love for me is like the rain, You come when you please, Drowning me, Then you leave again without warning, Leaving me to wilt and wither. Cant you see that I want you? Cant you see that I need you? My heart wants what it wants, And my foolish heart wants you. So come back as the sun that revitalizes me, Or the gardener that tends to me. But just come back to me ~Jennifer Fitzgerald-Cox