Cowboy Cassanova's blog: "General Stuff"

Fire/Rescue Memorandum Office of the Fire Chief To: All Riding Members From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following: 1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre- code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). 2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. 3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." 4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." 5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." 6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." 7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge". 8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a f***ing dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man! ________________________ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa _______________________ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those. Santa ________________________ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your f***in head. Who names their kid "Francis " anyway. I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead. Santa ________________________ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up. Santa ________________________ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little f**kers! Santa ________________________ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I'm skipping your house. Santa ________________________ Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head. Santa ________________________ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home ? Love, Marky Mark, First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Clinton Third, I can get inside your shit hole just like all the hobo's in town do. I will mail your mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas... Your friend, Santa

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...then things get worse .

OKay a little explination here...for this one, you have read it and think about it for a minute, this is an actual church bulletin that came from a local church. I think they packed a month into one bulletin, however, this is how it was, copied and pasted here untouched, and in it's original form, so take a min and read it, I'm sure you'll see why it's so damn funny. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

are you ready for this? Always Her hair was up in a ponytail Her favourite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, And she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, If she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates Of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school Eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, For everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called, A student from the class. To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, For a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" She heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," Another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day." The words did not offend her, As she smiled up at her Mom. And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique. "My Daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories He taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, And ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone. "Cause my daddy's always with me, Even though we are apart I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart" With that, her little hand reached up, And lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favourite dress. And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love Of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, Staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, He's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, But heaven's just too far. You see he was a fireman And died just this past year When airplanes hit the towers And taught Americans to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, It's like he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, And saw him there that day. And to her mother's amazement, She witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, Who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy," To the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, By the love of her shining bright star. And given the gift of believing, That heaven is never too far They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget and remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry and that you've forgot your friends. Take the time...to live and love.

AN EMS MOM is in a class of her own,Like an angel from heaven, like a queen on a throne.Her heart and spirit as large as a mountain,With a smile that sparkles like a sun-splashed fountain.She's put up with me since the first sound I'd spoken,Even to this day - that's a feat seldom broken!While she's fully aware of the danger I face,She rarely shows it not even a trace.But deep within - her thoughts are more prayerful,"Lord, watch over my child - OH please - be careful."A beautiful lady with her charm and appeal,Never missing a birthday or my favorite meal.Like a rare-cut diamond; a priceless breed,Always ready to help any person in need. Not mentioned enough, like a prayer or a psalm,"You're loved more than ever," my EMS MOM."

An EMS Dad is in a class of his own, Like the king of a mountain or a king on his throne. His heart and spirit make him larger than life, And his smile is like diamonds without any strife. He has been there for me from that very first day, Always there to guide me on my way. Though constantly aware of the dangers I face, He never says a word, not even a trace. I feel his prayers protecting me, His pride for me is plain to see. His love and support he has shown along the way, Is the reason I am in EMS today! Not mentioned enough, my love for you straight from my heart, And may God bless you when we are apart.

On July 22nd I was en route to Washington, DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until landing in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane, and I heard a gentleman asking every male if they were Mr.Glenn. At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital." My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live,but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness. The return flight seemed to last forever,but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage. Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before. Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said,"Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms. [TEAR BREAK...smile] By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine when we took Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely. In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound. The story is not over (smile)! Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down Mommy. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story. "Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the 'birdies' came." "The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled. "Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me." ”They did?" "Yes," he said. "one of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked. Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white." "Did they say anything?" "Yes," he answered. "They told me the baby would be all right." "The baby?" my wife asked confused. Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave." My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left his body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened?" she asked.. "We went on a trip." he said, "Far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult. "We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty Mommy," he added. "And there are lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies." He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay, but the man couldn't hear him. He said the birdies told him he had to go with the ambulance, but they would be near him. He said they were so pretty and so peaceful, and he didn't want to come back. Then the bright light came. He said that the light was so bright and so warm, and he loved the bright light so much. Someone was in the bright light and put their arms around him, and told him, "I love you but you have to go back. You have to play baseball, and tell everyone about the birdies. "Then the person in the bright light kissed him and waved bye-bye. Then whoosh, the big sound came and they went into the clouds. The story went on for an hour. He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much." In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further habits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies. Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies." Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled. Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

I think I know and/or have known someone that has dated at least one of each of the below stated types of men! LOL. Check it out for yourself! And to the guys..what type are you? 1. MR. THUG LIFE Advantages a. Real good at making love b. Fun and exciting c. Makes you laugh d. Has your back, will fight and protect you Disadvantages a. Usually drinks and smokes too much b. Always got drama c. Stays a thug forever d. In and out of jail 2. MR. NAW, I DON'T HAVE A GIRL Advantages a. Will take you out in the beginning b. Will introduce you to all his friends c. Compliments you all the time Disadvantages a. Has a girlfriend who he's been with since the 2nd grade b. Will not get rid of her c. He tells you about her after you've fallen in love with his ass 3. MR. BIG BALLA Advantages a. Will give you money with no questions asked b. Has a lot of style to him c. Will show you some of the nice things in life Disadvantages a. Never returns your pages-PAGER & NO CELL????? b. Feels he can come to your house at any given time without calling first-I DON'T THINK SO! c. Loves to be around his boys more than you. WAKE UP AND POOF HE'S GONE! 4. MR. I'M IN THE INDUSTRY Advantages a. Can get you and your friends on the guest list at all the jumping parties b. Can have a decent stimulating conversation c. Tends to dress nice Disadvantages a. You don't know if he's gay, straight or bi b. Seems flighty when you speak of a solid commitment c. You still have to wait in line to get in all the jumpin parties, then there's drama at the door d. All he has is a bunch of pictures with celebrities but he doesn't know them personally 5. MR. INTELLECTUAL Advantages a. Book smart b. Cares about how you feel c. Has a very good job Disadvantages a. Boring as hell b. Doesn't know what the hell he's doin in bed c. He is not street smart d. Always asking you when can he see you again 6. MR. GHETTO Advantages a. THE BOMB IN BED!!!!! b. Makes you laugh c. Got mad style and flava d. Has a temper, but generally a charming sweet guy e. Says he want a real relationship Disadvantages a. He got 3 or more baby mommy's b. Wants to lay up in your crib, use the phone, and eat up all the food c. Is in denial when you tell him about himself d. Comes home at 3:00 am and says he was out with his boys 7. MR. I'M A RIGHTEOUS BLACK MAN Advantages a. Will teach you about black history b. Revolutionary c. Inspiring & gives to you spiritually & emotionally d. Wants a wife and family Disadvantages a. Breaks up with you for a white girl b. Mo money-doesn't have a job c. Doesn't own a nice suit, always wearing camouflage d. In the end, you find out he is just a trifling, con mothafucka 8. MR. TOO DAMN GOOD Advantages a. Will introduce you to his mother b. Has a job and will take you out c. Will give you money for your bills d. Sometimes he goes to church on Sunday Disadvantages a. Secretly wants to be Mr. Thug Life b. Wears fake Movado & Rolex watches when he goes to the club c. Ignores you when the game is on d. You find out after you break up with him that he was cheating on you 9. MR. PLAYA Advantages a. Will tell you that you're not the only one b. Sometimes he's fairly decent in bed c. He tells you that you've changed him and he's ready to settle down d. Has his own apartment & car (invites you to move in with him) Disadvantages a. He doesn't acknowledge you in public, especially if there's women around b. Generally he is a punk (won't stand up for anything) c. He expects you to believe all his lies d. After you catch his lyin ass, he tells you that he told you that he was a playa in the beginning anyway 10. MR. I HAVE A JOB Advantages a. Of course....he has a job b. Doesn't have too many bad habits c. Will take care of you when you're sick d. Tells you that he is in love with you Disadvantages a. You stay in the relationship 2 years or more and then find out he's a shiftless, lazy son-of-a-bitch who wants you to do all the wifely duties but won't give you a ring. b. He ends up telling you that he loves you, but is not "in love" with you c. After he leaves you he gets married a month later 11. MR. BEST FRIEND Advantages a. He's your best friend, you tell each other everything, you get along very well b. He gives you advice when you & your man are having problems c. The ultimate gentleman d. Sweet and caring with a good sense of humor Disadvantages a. You end up hooking up with him only to find he ain't about shit either! b. Now, you gotta find a new best friend because you can't stand his ass no more Ok, now you know. Ladies what type of guy do you have? Fellas, what type of guy are you?