I'm going to take a few days away from here. My heart is heavey and I'm crying inside. I can't cry outward because that's the way it is with me. Maybe a few tears, but then, bottle them up and hide them. The way things are right now, well...work sucks, life sucks, love sucks, prophecy sucks. The feeling that no-one really cares is strong and I'm alone.
I wish I could blow my fucking brains out, but I can't. Not only is it a sin even in my believes, but I'm afraid I'd fuck it up and make things worse by becoming an invalid unable to finish the job and become a drain on the family. Also I went and had a child so it wouldn't be right to lay that on her either. I do love my child, I just never wanted her. I didn't want kids. My husband did. He finally admitted to the fact that he was glad I kept her.
I never wanted to be born. I was an excuse for my mom to get out of an abusive home. My dad never wanted me, but back in the 50's a girl got pregnant she got married. My mom nearly miscarried twice but the afterlife doesn't want me. I have died twice; drowned when I was 5, but was sent back. Died on the table during an emergency operation once and was sent back. 'They' don't want me, either.
There is no real love or happiness for me. Mostly because ever time I say I am happy, if falls apart orgoes horribly wrong. The prophecy that sucks is my husband will leave me. He doesn't love me anymore. He just hasn't really faced it yet. The other part of love sucking is the other who has a talent for making things work the way it is wanted no matter the circumstances, hasn't; claiming circumstances are interfering. uh huh.
I guess I'm just tired of being lonely in a crowd, of looking for the Goddess without guide or help, of blundering blindly after love that doesn't seem to exist. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be happy. To be able to say that I am.
Okay, I guess I'm rambling. I do that when I'm down. But i have no-one to talk to anymore. Besides no-one really listens. I'm only told that others are worse off or I have no right to feel the way I do. Or worse yet, someone tries to jolly me along to 'make me feel better'. That's no real help. And no, professional help won't help because they don't really care except at so much an hour.
All I can say now is that I'm crying inside. There is no outlet for me except here. If anyone has managed to get this far in reading I'm surprised. Forgive this 'old wolf bitch' as I consider myself most times (there is werwolf blood in the family tree). Next time when I write here it will be different. Thank you for your patience.
