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March 2, 2007 - What no parent should have to go through. This is a blog of what no parent should go through and that is the loss of a child. This a select group that I hope no other parent will join. But I know such as life is that is not to be. You never want to open your door and have the police standing there at 4:30AM because you know the reason they are there and it isnt because you forgot to pay a parking ticket. There is only one reason and one reason only that they are standing there. The first thought through your mind is which child is it. A lot of things become blurred. You stagger around and you say NO that is not the way it is suppose to be. I'm suppose to go before my kids. They want you to sit but you think irrationaly that if you keep standing it won't be true but you know better as the scream comes out of your mouth and you pound on the desk with your fists hoping that will make it not true. The police thought that I was having a heart attack. People say alot of bad things about policemen but they do have a hard job and I believe this is the part that is the worst for them. When they have to notify a parent that a child is dead. They tried to get someone that could come over and be with me but all family lives out of state and the younger 2 children that do live here I was not going to call their home and wake them up and inform them their brother was dead . So imagine your worst nightmare times 2 that is what goes through your mind as you sit there. Wondering if you had done this or this or been a better parent would that have changed things. I will say I was not a good parent I was rough on the 2 boys as they were growing up. And then when the younger two came with my last marriage I totally flipped a 360 so went from one extreme to another extreme. So love your children as there is no tomorrow because there might be no tomorrow. That doesnt mean to let them run wild still disclipline them. But never forget to always talk to them take that time to be there to listen to their hopes and their fears. People say that it gets easier but does it really it might stop in intensity but it is still there. I think of him everyday and that is because I was so glad we were meanding fences and I also walk by his work place everyday I go to work. Or if I see a movie that I know he and I would of like to see. There has been a lot of wishes on my part that I had done some things different when the boys were growing up. If I could go back and change things if I knew that would help I would do it in a mintue. Or would I change places with him yes I would even though I'm afraid of dying especially dying alone. My kids mean the world to me and now my world is bigger now because of my 4 granddaughters. You should tell your kids everyday that you love them, raise them with a firm but gentle hand. Never turn away from your child in anger because someday that child might not be there. There will be a lot of regrets that you will take to your grave. You wish for forgiveness from them for the way you were. You will always cry for that loss which you never can get back. Just as the words that come out of your mouth in anger will be there never able to pull them back. Which brings to mind that old saying sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. That is rubbish words do hurt just as sharp as any sword. And you cant take them back once they are said. Children make the world go round love them.
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