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loneliness is wanting someone to trust

loneliness is sometimes crying at night

loneliness is wanting to smile more

loneliness is wanting to be happy more

loneliness is wanting for someone who may not come

loneliness is dying slowly

loneliness is wanting someone to smile at you

loneliness is wanting someone to talk to

loneliness is wanting someone to care

loneliness is wanting someone to touch

loneliness is wanting to be loved

loneliness is wanting to love

1-29-2008 Well here is more on what is going on. Brandon called me Sunday night to let me know that Davionna was pregnant. But didnt tell me much of anything else except that Davionna needed to do an abortion because she can't take care of a baby which is the truth as she has no job, she is still in school and no car no driver's license. So I called her and asked her did she have anything to tell me. Then she told me that she was pregnant and then she said that it was Jessy's fault and I told her that it takes 2 and wasn't she taking birth control and she said no she forgot. And she said her mother was yelling at her. And I would find out later the reason her Mom was yelling at her because she was paying for the birth control and she wasn't taking them. But it does get more interesting. I talked to Vickie and I called and left a message to Davionna to go to Planned Parenthood. And she didnt call me back. I told Brandon about it when he called later yesterday morning. Well he told his grandmother what I said. And then I get a call from Tammy my ex she is yelling at me to stay away from the kids and not talk to her mother which I havent talked to her mother since her mother was at the viewing for Jayme. And then she said Brandon was lying about that and I told him what she said and he said he told her that he told his grandmother what I said And she told me to not have Roxanne or Deb call Davionna which that is something I never did. I havent even talked to Tammy since she was at Jayme's viewing so all of this took me by surprise. And telling me she didn't like the idea ever that the kids came to see me or that I talk to them.This has me stressed I have no idea why this is happening. Called in sick so I can try to relax and get all of this written out. So I told her to tell that the kids that and she said no that I had to. So finally to get her off the work phone I told her I would call them and tell them not to call or come over which I have no intention of doing. So then she hung up. I mean Brandon is 21 and Davionna is almost 18 so they can see anyone they want to and there is nothing she can do about it. Well Brandon called me a little bit after that and I told him his Mother called me yelling at me and telling me to tell them not to call or come over. I wanted him to know exactly what I said so that when his mother said something he would know what I said. And he started to ball and I mean ball. He was so upset and he told me they were in the car cause he was going to help her to do something and then she started in that the reason all is wrong in her life is all my fault and all of this is my fault also. So Brandon defended me and he told her it was her fault and she was no kind of mother. So then he told me she punched him in the face and kicked him out of the car. So he had to walk to where ever it was that he called me from. And he was crying so much and he said that all he had was me. I was talking to Vickie about it and she thinks Tammy is jealous of all I have done for the kids. Where I have paid for some small bills for them, paid for school clothes and give them money at Christmas when she doesn't get them anything and this last year if it hadn't been for me Davionna would not have a cell phone which I pay the bill or that if it wasn't for me she would not of had school clothes. And also that I'm there for the kids like she is not. I mean Brandon came right out one day and told me that he loves me more then their mother. Which is bad because I just raised them and I totally believe that they are mine. I'm the only Dad they know. So we will see where this will all lead to. I will sit back and wait and see if the kids call me. I have no number for Brandon so have to wait and see if he calls again. And I will see if Davionna calls me. I left her a message. What does Tammy expect she kicked Davionna out at 15 and Davionna has been bouncing back and forth from her grandmother's and her aunt's and once back with her mother. She has never really been there for the kids. Not like I have been. I mean even when they come over like they do once in a while I give them gas money it is just 20 here and 20 there. Which Brandon don't really want it but beings I can do it I tell him to take it. And he said Dad you are the only one that is there for us and the only that cares. I did make the decision that if Davionna dont call or she runs up the cell bill I will shut off her cell off and I dont know if that would be the right thing to do but I will if I have to. And I wonder why this happens to me and is there something I did to deserve this. Brandon did tell me one thing and that the brain Doctor told her not to get pregnant because of the tumor in her head the baby would end with downs syndrome or be retarded or the pressure could kill her and I told Brandon what doesn't she care anymore and Brandon told me that he thinks she doesn't. And I found out that the reason they dont operate on the tumor is because it is inside her brain. And if they operate on it, it would kill her. So they give her medicine to keep it from getting bigger. Everyone except her Mother is trying to get her to go to planned parenthood. Brandon told me his grandmother told Davionna she would have to move out if she had the baby because she couldn't deal with it. And I know that I can't have her move in here because I couldn't deal with it either. So it reminds to be seen what happens. And Brandon also told her that she couldn't take care of a baby and he brought the money issue and I guess they said it was always a money issue with him but the he said what are you going to be on welfare like your mother. Here she has a business and a husband that dont work and she collects some type of welfare. And how she does that with a business and the husband hanging around I have no idea on she can do that. So it turned out to be a bad last 2 days. So I have no idea where this will all lead to. I guess just to sit back and see. Well I got a call from Deb wanting help to finish off the money she got for Paul's transmission because it went out and I had said if I could help that I would so she asked in the message if I could loan her $80 to finish it off so I called and left her a message that I will and I would be home today. So we will see if she stops by to get it which is okay with me. And she said she would pay me back as fast as she could and I dwont be worried about it, it it is only money. I can't take it with me. I have given money before $50 to help with cleaning supplies or Paul's apartment and then I gave him $60 for groceries because I can't see anyone going hungry. And she said to leave a message and I told her I din't have cash but that I could write a check. So we will see if she calls me back. I don't mind and I'm guess that is the good part of me. I don't mine helping and I can't take it with me. But only can write a check right now don't have the cash like I usually do. I can't understand why her husband won't help with any of it. He makes her pay for a lot and she has to work 2 jobs. That is so ridicolus. I don't know why I messed that up but I did. I guess I wasn't ready to be in a relastionship. I feel like I'm relaxing now so this writing in my journal has really helped me like I thought that it would.
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