Blue Smoke's blog: "A little to the left... there we go."

Ok, so I'm gonna be a father... but it's time to go to Iraq. Um... but I thought we were at war with... oh whatever. I did my time over there. Stories, life experience, and lessons the likes of which you don't get anywhere else in the world cam in a rush almost too big to take. After my service over seas, I still had a little over a year to serve out. I did so in an elite unit. It's cool and all... you know... being considered elite... but the price of what you have to pretend to be just isn't worth the glory. So, having seen the belly of the beast, I decided it was time to get out. My second child had already come along, shortly after my return from overseas, and the GREAT surprise... a third due just days before my triumphant return to the normal world. Great... how am I gonna pull this off? I did, and with a lot of help, or at least I'm trying. You see, I got my last paycheck in December of 2005... I've been doing my best to make money as an "artist" of sorts since then. Needless to say, an un-educated artist can't feed a family of 5. My parents helped out again. They've got a great big house, and have extended a gracious hand to me and my family for the past 18 months. We all live together in a big house, and sort of look out for each other. To get into the professional art scene... I took a few shortcuts. I am good with electronics. Something I wasn't trained for in the Army, but I figured it out, and honed it for use as a general handyman. I got work making $20/hr fixing little intercom boxes for a huge theater in Norfolk. It was my ticket in. From there, I managed to get an operator job on a few occasions, and even started freelancing for some big companies. Trouble is... no matter how well the work paid... it never lasted. So.. I got myself a government job. Rachel has been filling the gaps by working at Trader Joe's, a grocery store that until she told me she had been employed at, I had never heard of. I try not to go anywhere else now. I put in for a government job about 6 months after getting out... and here a year later... I'm almost actually doing it. What can I say... the government takes it's time. I also finally got a design gig. It's for a profitable theater company, but in a small house. I'm just glad to have the chance to actually make some art. I've been going nuts trying to figure out EXACTLY what I want to do. I've even been building a few custom pieces to exact my vision. If you can't find it... build it... that's what I think. Ok, so past and present down... here comes the part I've been trying to get at.
Ken

So I'd like to start with saying thanks for coming to read this, and give a warning. Tonight, I write like I speak. I have a myriad of ideas I want to convey, in a form of catharsis, as well as mental self organization, but I will no doubt trail off several times and never get to the heart of what I wanted to say. Sorry. That's just how it always ends up, and if you think it's disappointing to you... imagine how it makes me feel. And we're off. I just watched American Splendor. I want to be a filmmaker, and I call myself one now, despite still not having completed a feature length project. I call myself that to describe my nature and intent. Perhaps it's a little self congratulatory, but it's who I am, and I've learned that any sense of self denial is dangerous. Look at all those ultra conservative public figures throughout history that ended up exposed in some scandal that showed them giving in to all the things they fight so hard against. Do you really think it's all a coincidence? I found myself inspired. It's a fine line for an artist. differentiating between inspiration and plain ol' plagiarism. You can get around it sure, with little "Vanilla Ice" tricks as I call them. Change a name here or there... and effect the outcome to make it as you would have preferred to see it go... but none of that is me. I just got to thinking about greatness. Greatness is one of those things that seems to elude many who strive for it, and all to many never do. It's what I want personally. I aspire to do great things. To leave a mark. I suspect that on some level, that's what all, or at least most people do, but so many seem so quick to settle for mediocrity. It's sad. Perhaps a bit about what I am. I dropped out of High School in my Senior year. I was doing well enough, and might have graduated if I cared to... but I had political issues with the city's school board, and just decided that I didn't need them. I left and had a GED in hand before my peers had their diplomas. Then, I did a lot of nothing. I had been dating the woman who is now my wife for some time. We wanted to get married, but there was no real way for it to happen. We were living together in my parents house. They're good people my folks. They'd do anything for me if they thought it would make me happy, but I needed independence. After September 11th 2001, I was overwhelmed with a sense of social obligation and joined the Army. I have a tenancy to get caught up in the moment. This was an example of that. I must admit though... it made it a lot easier for me to get married. We'd have an income. This is where I learned my lesson about planning for a longer road. I did pretty well in training, and was recognized as a stand out soldier at every stage of the process. Rachel got pregnant about 2 days after we got our first place together. Here's me learning more lessons about life. Stick with me.. I promise this is going somewhere.
Ken

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

I will not drink energy drinks after 7:00 pm.

You see, in my attempts to be a more personable father/husband in the morning, as well as prepare for a new job sure to involve waking up at un-godly hours of the morning, I have been trying to get to sleep at a better hour. Sleep is one of those things that I just need to have. It's often elusive to me at night, and by morning, I refuse to let it go. The problem is... my wife bought me a case of these store brand energy drinks from Trader Joe's. They are awesome! They taste pretty good, and after 2 of them, I come up with some really creative ideas for any of my many artistic endeavors. Trouble is... there simply is no off switch. It seems an easy lesson to learn, but I seem to somehow prefer being creative and exhausted to un-inspired and well rested. Go figure.
Ken

2 evening tickets @ AMC- $15.00 A Large Drink and Nachos- $10.50 A hummer in the movie theater after 5 and a half years of marriage- Priceless... Having 3 kids, barely making ends meet, and not having any real structure to your life sort of makes it hard to go out to see a movie when you want to. I'm a film buff, and as such, that really hurts sometimes. Especially when the rare opportunity presents itself to hang out with friends and have some "grown-up" conversation, and you get to hear about all the movie experiences other people are having. It's kind of like sex to me. Good or bad... it's always better to be having it than not. So, we went to the Zoo today with the kids, and my Aunt and her Granddaughter... my first cousin, once removed for those of you keeping track... and then brought them home hoping for some quiet time. That failing, my father offered to watch the kids for a few hours while the wife and I went to see a movie. A rare opportunity that I was not going to pass up. So, I chose "I Think I Love My Wife" A re-make of a French film from the 70's called "Sophie In The Afternoon". It's co-written, co-produced, directed and lead by Chris Rock, so I'm expecting something humorous. No such luck. I was also hoping for something that applied to my love life at this point in time, given that despite having a sex drive that would put a 17 year old to shame for reasons I cannot explain, I am not really getting any. It's not my Wife's fault. She has a few issues that make it difficult for her, and trust me... she tries to keep up with me, and even asks me to seek other women to experiment with... but I just don't think I could get any that I would really want. It's hard to explain... I believe Groucho Marx put it best when he said "I'd never join a club that would have me for a member." Anyhow... I digress... The point that I have strayed so far from is that for once... I am in a movie theater. We go in, and see that there is hardly anyone in the theater already... and the prized back row center seats are up for grabs. By the time the movie began, there was still nobody within a 7 seat radius of us. The movie got boring. It happens I guess. But what got interesting is how my wonderful wife decided to pass the time. Of course as is typical, we started making out a bit... and let that go where it went. Part of me still wanted to watch the movie... but I might remind you... I'm all wound up and really not getting any, so fuck it. The fantasy scenario happened! I don't think I need to explain in any further detail. One of those things that you hope for, but never really expect. Perhaps I'm getting old and boring if I think this is worthy of celebration... but none of that matters to me just now. I'm in too good a mood.
Ken

I don't know how much I weigh. I don't know my body fat percentage. I don't know how much I can bench press. I don't hate people. I do enjoy the sound of a thunderstorm. I do enjoy making my kids laugh. I do enjoy making strangers smile. I do fear ignorance, my own more than I do other's. I do smoke cigarettes. I don't own a gun. I don't know how old my grandmothers are. I don't know my left from my right sometimes. I like cooking extravagant meals. I like being the center of attention. I like to pretend that I don't. I like being respected for my abilities. I like the idea of being lusted. I have spent a lot of time thinking about vanity. Thinking about how troublesome it is. Thinking about what lengths it drives people to. I've been watching shows about people consumed by their own vanity, getting dozens of cosmetic surgeries, and dieting themselves into malnutrition. It's frightful what people will do to appear acceptable in their own eyes. It's not so much a flaw of their resolve as it is a flaw of their sense of self. I am a vane man. I accept this. It's a part of me. I do not believe it makes me a bad person. My actions, I believe, reflect a person strong in convictions, while open minded to new ideas. A person who is strong enough for violence, but a firm believer in passive conflict resolution. A man who is political and religious, but never self-righteous. A man who can be clever, and yet pleasant. A man who is wise, but never greedy with his knowledge. These are the things I hope that I am. These are the things I want people in my life to help me be. I take pleasure in the simple vane parts of life, but I suspect that most, if not all, people do. I think denying that is foolish, and the few people I can think of in history who claimed to do so were found out as frauds. I think, if you want to change the world, first look to yourself and say "What can I do that makes me a better person?". Never skip this step. Greatness will come to you if you have the will to first be a good person. It means a lot of sacrifice, and for a long time, this will go unnoticed by those around you, but that is what will is for. I say, take pleasure in the things you enjoy, don't be ashamed of your desires, and always remember to give priority to what is important. Self indulgence is not the same as self improvement, but they are not un-related.
Ken

I have to know... do I seem like an idiot? Somebody came into my Stickam room just now. She wanted to chat on Yahoo! which, I really try to avoid unless I have had a chance to talk to you a little bit. I don't fill my Yahoo! list with "single serving friends". So, I asked for a little introduction first. The conversation went as follows. blue_smoke: How old are you? Jamie: 20 u blue_smoke: 24. Jamie: kool.. blue_smoke: Are you a student? Jamie: no Jamie: im a nurse. blue_smoke: What kind? Jamie: Just a RN. blue_smoke: What field? * Jamie left the room. * jamie joined the room. jamie: Hey what ur yahoo thing blue_smoke: What? jamie: dis thing sucks blue_smoke: What field do you work in? jamie: why u askin me Q liek that? jamie: going to cum kiil me or somethinglol? blue_smoke: To be honest... because you sound a little full of it. blue_smoke: Just an RN is not something an RN would say... jamie: Lol blue_smoke: And every RN I know is at least 22. blue_smoke: So, I just wanted some clarity. jamie: call essex county and ask if Jamie smith a Rn jamie: want the number? blue_smoke: Like that's not the most common name in the world. jamie: yuo bein cocky? blue_smoke: Just tell me a field... that;s all you have to do. jamie: field? * jamie left the room. Just to be clear, this is a copy and paste... so... what's the deal ladies? Can you PLEASE explain to me what this is all about? This is far from the first person who has lied to me thinking I was stupid enough to just plain buy it. I'm not a big fan of lies personally, but I'm just plain offended by bad ones. If I have to be held perephrially accountable for the poor actions of my gender, than somebody has to answer for this in yours! This is not an isolated incident either... it's just plain sickening. Sorry, I'm not meaning to bash all women, but I just hold you in such high respect, and seeing this darker side makes me sad for my boys. Maybe they'll be gay and I won't have to worry about it.
Ken

So, I went and spent $80 on a new cam. It's a real piece of work too... high quality optics, and some kick ass software to boot. I came upon a problem when trying to get some of the "next gen" software to work however, and I don't know if it can be solved. I couldn't get it to work the first time, so I re-booted... twice to no avail. Next, I re-installed the software, making sure to get all the settings just right. After that... I still met with no success, so I went and ensured all of my video card drivers were up to date. They were not, but they are now. And in a fit of desperation... I did what every geek should always know to do right away.... I checked the system requirements. Drat! foiled in my dastardly plan by a processor that is too slow. I need at least a P4 that's running @ 2.3GHz... I've got a P Celeron... running at a little over half that. I have a fairly common laptop computer however... perhaps there is a processor to fit the chipset of a Toshiba Satellite M35X series out there waiting for me that will do the job. Come to me oh much needed processor! I long to feel your Micro technological glory!
Ken

So, I am hanging out on CT, listening to the playlist from my iPod, and I hear a song that triggers a memory. The song is Fat Bottom Girls by Queen. The memory goes a little like this. He and I are in the car, driving somewhere. I'm in my late teens, and a bit of a smart ass (oh how things change right?). The aforementioned song comes on the radio. Dad:"Ah, What a song." Me:"It's an old one." Dad:"Yeah, but I always get a kick out of hearing Freddie Mercury, an infamous homosexual, sing about big women." Me:*with an overt aire of sarcasm* "You mean Freddie Mercury was GAY?!?!?" Dad:*With a broken sarcasm detector*"Oh yeah! He was Gay as a three-dollar-bill." Me:"Um... not to be argumentative, but I believe the expression is "Queer as a three-dollar-bill"." Dad:"That's not very politically correct of you Ken, I'm surprised at you." Forgive me if you don't see the humor in that memory... I just laugh now every time I hear that song.
Ken

So, I haven't been writing blogs very much lately. I've been spending most of my time on the net actually conversing with different people. I have quite a few friends on here, and I really do make an effort to talk to whomever is on at any given time. Sometimes I get a reply... and sometimes I do not, but the ratio is in favor of those who do, so you have my gratitude. I enjoy a good conversation, but every now and again, I need this kind of one way expression to complete a thought or idea. I have some really good friends here now. Good ol' Sunny and Eddie keep me well plugged in to what's going on with them, and they are great people. Be sure to go see Eddie about getting the very best graphics done for your CT page, or for any other website. I have yet to see a task be given to him that he can't accomplish in short time, and with stellar results. If I'm shelling out so much as a dime for any graphic work in the future, I won't give it to anyone else but him. Artists are rare enough, but one that can be commissioned to do work that speaks so strongly to an individual's personality is even more rare. I have re-aligned some of my things this year to accommodate my self-employed status. I got a new phone, packed full of bells and whistles, and I can get a tax write off for it because it is primarily for business purposes. Tomorrow I'm going out to stop by some of my client's places of business to give the new number in person and let them know I'm still in the business and better than ever. For those of you who wonder, Rachel and I are as happy as we've ever been. Sure, we're still in a tight financial spot, but without obstacles to overcome together, a marriage can't grow. We have our problems, but not with one another. My production company is about to go through a solidification process, wherein all of the fund raising ideas we have, and all of the paperwork for incorporation and 501(c)3 come to fruition. Perhaps now we can tackle our mini-feature project over the summer. It's already 18 months in the making... it's time to get moving on it! As far as CT goes, I've been having a really good time. I made it to level 10 a few days ago (yay me!) and brought Rachel on under me, so please, go see her and bombard her with points too. I also am trying to help a friend out with something she is trying to get for herself, and if you're interested in helping out too, go to my profile and look at the bottom of my "about me" section. She helped me out in the past, so I know she's good for it. Well, I feel like I've had enough time and space to put my brain on the slab. Thanks for taking a moment to poke it with a stick and see what happens. I hope to hear from all of you who actually read these. I suspect that not too many really do. Enjoy your day.
Ken

So, if you're into getting these lisence images done, you're not gonna find anyone better to do one than my buddy Eddie. He finished mine last night. I think it's fantastic. It's a true skill to be able to not only make great art, but to be able to read the desires of a subject to deliver what they like with your own style in tact, that's a real artist there. I just thought I'd share what he made for me, and I hope that you guys will follow the link and show some love for this thing. He worked really hard for me, and I don't have much to offer back. Here goes.
Ken