Blue Smoke's blog: "A little to the left... there we go."

Under my own roof and on the net. That's right my pets... I'm back... and this time... to stay!
Ken

So... I've not been on here lately. This is likely well known. The reason? Max... my laptop died. Now I have Tabitha, his desktop replacement, but I'm moving in a few days... and will not be back on until I have internet run to my new place. That might be as much as a few weeks. Just a drop ion the bucket compared to how infrequently I've been on as of late, but I suppose those of you who I call friends at least deserve some explanation. Hope to see you all soon.
Ken

Ok, so... if you've been watching... you may have noticed I have not been around much lately. When I do come on... it's usually just for a few minutes at a time. I've been working a lot lately. those 10 hour days are pretty nice when every weekend is a 3 day weekend, but at the same time, it doesn't leave me much time to do things off hours. All I mean to say is... sorry if I'm not the CT junkie I usually am... things are just sort of picking up in my life and the internet is paying the price for it.
Ken

I'm going crazy waiting for a review of this lay I designed the lights for. I'm a very unconventional person to have hired for the task, and while I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the play is awful... I just want to see something about it! Somebody who has seen it and can give insight on how it is. Somebody who will analyze it and, from an objective point of view, say exactly what it was that sucked about it. I have to call the producer tomorrow and ask for my money as well. Driving 36 miles to the theater every day really set me back in gas money, which I get back on my taxes sure... but that's not until the winter... so I've got to get things together now. The cash from my new job will start coming in in about 2 weeks as well... but fuel is no joke. Even though my new job is only about 10 or 11 miles away... 2 weeks of going there and back will no doubt drain my tank again, despite the miserly fuel efficiency of my little Neon. I need to relax in the knowledge that everything will work out. You wait long enough for something, and find it within your grasp, and any moment you spend not directly reaching for it drags out for what seems an eternity. "woo sahhhhhhh".
Ken

Where was I? Oh yeah... So, I finally finished my lighting design on Tuesday. I got a little glimpse at the show. I'm kind of sad. It's AWFUL! The script is not too bad. I kind of like it actually. The set looks great too, and you won't hear me complain about the lights. I didn't leave that place until I had what I wanted... but the material is gravely under-rehearsed... and I think the Director might be... well... bad at directing. I won't claim to be able to do any better, but she's playing a role as well, and I suspect if she could see how she is overplaying the character... you know... form an objective point of view... she'd be really saddened by her own performance. She also has NO CLUE how to block the show. She established where the entrance and exit points would be with the set designer... a true professional mind you... and then completely violated them when she got her actors on the set. I'm done with it though, and with any luck, the reviews will indicate that despite the poor performance of the players, the technical aspects were truly unique and enjoyable. Not enough to be a saving grace or anything... but a pleasant distraction from an otherwise abysmal show. On top of all else, I started my new government job on Monday. It's every bit of the "hush-hush" I thought it would be. Let's just say that lab coats and hard hats make an interesting combo. So, this afternoon, I'm taking a moment to catch up. I've been away a lot, as one might expect, with the new job taking up 10 hours per day, and the design taking up the rest. Things will be better next week though, and the following week... I get my first paycheck. Life is moving according to plan.
Ken

So, I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now that I need to express. Doing so makes me feel more put together. I just don't have much of a theme to tie them all together, so I'm going to make 3 blogs in one here. None will be terribly interesting I imagine, but they help me, and they will give insight into who I am if that is something you are interested in. Health I Am a fairly healthy person. I smoke cigarettes. That's clearly a no-no, but I still do a better job taking care of my body than most, so I write it off as my vice. I think I've earned one. The thing that's got me thinking is I had a physical done for this job that I'm FINALLY starting on Monday. Everything came out above the board... except my cholesterol. It's not exactly high. 193 to be exact. That's in the high end of acceptable as I understand it. The idea that everything else is exceptional however has prompted me to stop eating those "Quad Stackers" from Burger King. 4 layers of beef, cheese, and bacon. I can't help but love them, but happiness takes sacrifice I suppose. I also have a habit of making a full pound of bacon every morning with breakfast. I've got a wife and 3 kids to feed, along with myself, so it's not really excessive. There is always eggs and toast and such to accompany it, but I always seem to end up eating the leftover bacon, however much it may be. Probably not a great thing since I haven't started working out again yet. I will soon, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.But I've got a lot on my plate just now, as shall be explained below. Art I'm neck deep in my first professional design job. I've been a theatrical technician for the past year and some change, which I enjoy because it lets me observe art, and even play an active part in it, but it cuts me out of the creative process, which is not so much fun. I had some really great gigs, and met some really interesting people, but I was always just a tool of whomever the "real" artist was. Sure this does not pay as well as some of the other things I've done, but this is my first lesson (since I never went to school for anything like this) in artistic collaboration. Let me tell you what I've learned about art. It's not about what you can achieve when you have everything. It's about what you can achieve despite your limitations. Without limitations, art is a picture on a canvas too big for the eye to see, and it's heart is lost. You see, I'm designing the lights for this show. I'm having a lot of fun doing it too. I've built some custom effect pieces as well. Simple mechanical designs to give unique effects to the atmosphere of the performance. I was asked about them at a meeting yesterday morning, and the people cutting the checks seemed quite impressed. Awesome! But, they only like it now because they have shared my vision and understand how I will manifest it... I am a little intimidated by the fact that I have to make it all happen. I've never done this much work on my own before. The director was kind enough to tell me that I had "Carte blanch" creatively, which is good for me, but I suppose I wanted her to interpret the script a little and give me some limitations so I knew what I had to work with. Well, I still have plenty. It's a small theater, with few lights to work with, and a VERY small board on which to operate them. On top of that, I will not be available to be the operator, so the person they hired to do so will have to be able to bring that vision to life. I trust that he can do it, but I feel obligated not to over complicate it as well. I've got everyone telling me I'll do fine. I have faith in them, so I suppose that means I have faith in myself by default. There is one person I've been having trouble with however... and that leade me to the finale. Love My wife and I have been feeling some tension lately. I've got a new job starting in just under a week, and I've got this design job unfolding faster than I can keep up with it. It's all going to be OK, but I'm under some pressure just the same. She's feeling it too, but she's got her own world of stuff to deal with. She has been having seizures for the past 3 or 4 months now. Her doctor has given her medicine, but it's not doing a whole lot to help. She can't work anymore, and she is having a hard time keeping up with the kids. Me being so busy is surely not making it any easier on her. She was a housewife for 4 years while I was in the Army, but never with 3 kids. At the worst, she had to deal with 2, but the 3rd came along right as we were getting out, and she started work right after that, I by default became the "housewife" and did my freelance work at night, when she was off, and the kids were asleep. She's dealing with stress, and a feeling of uselessness as she has even lost her driver's license due to the seizures. I'm trying to be there for her, but I'm not getting the support I need at times to do what I have to do. To build my reputations as both a Civil Servant and an Artist. Our problems really came to a head the other day, and she went as far as to throw her rings at me (we each have 2 wedding rings. It's personally symbolic). All has been smoothed over after a day with our respective best friends and some kick ass make-up sex, but the stress still lingers. I just hope that us having more money will actually help. All too often I hear about it not fixing anything, but it really has been the root of as lot of our issues, so my fingers are crossed. Well, that's all I've got for now. I hope you enjoyed. Have a good one.
Ken

I think sometimes we forget what government is. For better or worse... it is a business. We, citizens and residents, are it's customers. We pay them, and we expect a few services. Like a business, they have an obligation to cater to the demands of their clientèle. And like a business, they will only do as much as is needed to keep you buying what they are selling and keep their own pockets fat. There are a few differences I suppose, but they are subtle. In effect, the government of a nation has a monopoly on it's service. It's not like your cable company, where if they are failing to deliver, you can just fire them and go with satellite. And it's not like you can boycott their services to make change. They will have you arrested. They have a hell of a collection agency, and their own security forces as well, with essentially unlimited jurisdiction. The point of all of this is... it's not votes that change a nation... it's money. The country moves on money. Think it should not be that way? Help me figure out the best way to handle it. We actually get to pick the "executives" in this company, but we all too often do it based on the passion of the issues. Perhaps it's time to get a real businessman in there... not one looking to fatten his/her own pockets, but one who wants the company to serve it's customers better than any other company out there. One that still knows the value of keeping it's customers happy. Just a thought.
Ken

Have you ever wondered... ...Why New Jersey is really the only place in America you can drop the "new" from and people still know what you're talking about? Nobody goes to York, or to Hampshire. They of course are real places, in England, but nobody ever assumes that you are hopping a plane to the U.K. if you say you're headed to "Jersey" for a few days. And now New Mexico, I can understand. I mean, it IS sort of in the same cardinal direction from almost anywhere in the word as the "old" one. And apparently the culture of one is significantly influenced by the culture of the other. In that respect, they are easy enough to get confused without the fact that one is the name sake for the other as well. ...If animals have menopause? The question came to mind the other night while overdosed on caffeine and unable to sleep. I was pondering the meaning of life, and It just hit me. My path of thinking was one of the mechanics of life. We are born, we breed, we die. Do we serve an unknown purpose before we replicate? If so... than are we really needed after we do? If we serve a purpose after we replicate... than what is it, and are we succeeding? Do animals have any similar purpose. If so, do they also lost the function of breeding when they hit an age at which it is impractical to devote energy to such bodily systems? ...What keeps Teflon stuck to the pan? I saw something on TV about it the other day. They DID explain that the reason it does not stick to food is because while the carbon and iron found in most foods will easily bond to most metals, the fluorine molecules in Teflon will not bond with them. It did NOT however explain why it DOES stick to an otherwise fully stickable pan. Just thinking out loud.
Ken

Ok, so I'm still a bit new here... but I don't hide much about myself, and need some catharsis just now. Feel free to ride along with me on this little self exploratory journey, but keep hands and arms inside the car at all times.

I have lost myself a bit. I didn't mean to, but who does? I feel like I've been awake for a week and drinking coffee the whole time to keep myself together (it never works...trust me). I know this feeling, but the last time I had it, the circumstances were different to say the least.

Ok, enough of me being all cryptic... I feel like I don't have a firm enough grasp of what's going on around me. I work as a freelancer for various film, television, and theater projects in the area, and I haven't had any work lately. My mind and body are atrophying. I can't keep my mind busy enough to keep from caving in. My body is going right with it.

I need something to do. A problem to solve. An obstacle to overcome. Sure, take the easy route and say something smart-assed like "Finding more work can be your obstacle." but it doesn't sattisfy me... and I've already looked. In New York I'd do just fine. I could even pull off a staff position up there because there's a demand for what I do... which is a lot, but nothing in a greater demand here than the supply of people to do it.

I guess that's what draws me to this site so much. All the people and so much to do and say. So many to meet, and always so much going on at one time. Maybe I'm going manic, or maybe just being overly dramatic. I'm gonna go paint something.

Ken Please forgive the fact that this blog has moved itself to the top. I just went to edit some typos, and it went from the bottom all the way to the top. It's actually the first blog I ever wrote on this site. So much for the editorial process.

The future. Greatness. Desire. It's just within reach. Sure it's a long road, but half the fun of it is just being ON that road. All these years, and I'm just now making the turn. I'm in the final stages of the screening for this government job. I already have it... I just have to do physicals and paperwork. It will have me working 4 10 hour days a week. It's perfect for giving me time to make my art. Especially since it's federal. Huge promotion potential... good benefits... job security... and the stability to both have a family, and be an artist. It's probably a shit job, but I promise you... I've had worse, and as long as I can do what I please with my free time, I'll be happy. The Greatness? Oh, I almost forgot. I'm a bit of an optimist. It's not so much to a fault, because I can usually convey my vision to a person well enough for them to want to be a part of it. In a way, it's a tool for acquiring allies, and in my kind of art... you need them. So, to achieve greatness, I have to work. Fight. Put my stories out there. Obviously I'll need somebody to come behind me and keep things in order. I tend to go the long way about expressing myself, particularly in writing, but I can articulate it better. The whole writing thing moves so slowly that I lose track of my own mind at times. Anyways, that's where I am. Greatness... I'm going for it. And you know what? I'm really confident that even if the wheel of fate decides that I will never succeed the way I hope to... I'm gonna have a good time making it work to keep me down. And if I die a failure... I'll at least die a great one. That's greatness to me.
Ken