-Subject says it all-
Ive been without you for 2 years. Has it already been that long? It doesnt feel that way. One would think 2 years is, more than enough to be over someone. It doesnt feel any easier to me.
I dont know exactly when, but I realize now, at some point i understood it was impossible to forget you as i was. Because we were mirrors. You laughed at what I laughed, you cried for what i cried. You liked what I liked. So whenever I did something, anything at all, it reminded me of you. So I had to change what I was. Stop laughing at what I laughed. Stop crying for what I cried.
Ive changed. I became... something else. It looked like a good plan at first. Yes, I was somebody else, and happily over you, right? Right.. Except that I didnt like what Ive become. I was like, trying to justify that you wouldnt love someone like me, not after you chose him over me, anyway. You made me a better man when I was with you. When you went away, I just got bad.
Now Im just miserable. Im living something... something that Im not. Im not satisfied. Not the least bit. Yeah, I got a good job, makin quite good money, travelin around the world, gettin all in the fancy clubs, et cetra et cetra. I have a lot fun. But im not satisfied. Im not happy. Deep inside, I know this isnt the real me.
So all this time, I bear all this, because you told me that you were happy, and for me, your happiness was what mattered. Now, what do I do when you tell me, that youre not happy anymore? Youre not satisfied? How do I go on living such a lie?
Bottom line, even though I discover something bad about myself, i AM satisfied. Because this is what real me would do. The old me. And it makes me happy, to understand myself. Even if what I understand is not so good, now, I can fix it.
I wont give up myself for you. Even if it meant that I wont forget you for all my life, I wont. I wont try to change what I am, who I am. Maybe I wasnt always happy, but I was at least satisfied with myself. Maybe I wont ever be happy without you, never again. But at least I wont take my chance away to feel satisfied about myself.
God knows, how I would want for you to read this. I would never send something like this to you. But by some miracle, that you should read it, knowing that youd never be on this site. Well im realistic. I know you wont. Probably never. But I at least wanted that somebody reads this...
So you people, who made it to the end; thank you. It meant a lot to me.
-The end to part 1 of many to come.-
