Well, after a justification which was more necessary for me than for you, lets give it a try.
I fell in love with someone 2 years ago. It was complicated, as it is expected with me. I seem to have a tendency to fall for someone with whom it will be totally compicated. She was living in London, engaged for 3 years, 4 years older than me, had her own company, whereas I had only started my career when i met her a while before we fell for each other. And yeah, we met over net. Not through any site or random chatting though, she was a friend of a friend, and i needed an expertise in her area. So yeah, we met through msn. After a while, we realized we took comfort in each others company, we took care of each other, we healed each others' wounds. We were both used to carrying others, helping others.. And when I saw someone like me(same goes for her), it was a big time relief! Think of it, you are the one always having to think about other ppl, now someone is tryin to watch out for you, protect you! I soon realized that noone ever understood me(not even my friends whom I knew for more than 10 years), the way she did. Everything was so easy with her. I felt like a better man after I met her. She became a huge influence on me, a motivation for me to become a better man. I tried. And I succeeded for a while I guess.
Then came the visit of her. It was the first time I would see her, and ppl close to me thought that I was in love with her by now. They said they saw the "blaze in my eyes" when I was talking about her. I strongly rejected of course, and even worse, I believed myself. Knowing myself, I tried not to get things compicated with her(i.e:tryin not to get drunk when we were alone n stuff) I valued what we had way too much to risk it. I realized later on, even before we came out of the closet, I was trying to sit close to her at my place. Not intimately, mind you, but when she was sitting at the sofa, I was sitting at the other end, instead of taking another chair. I cherished her presence.
One night, I was totally drunk we came home(I dont remember the way back, I was that drunk), and the moment we were alone, I became totally sober. I was soooo tryin not to hurt what we had, I could will myself to be sober. She asked me that night, what we were gonna do with our feelings for each other. Lightning hit me. I was speechless. Dumbstruck. I asked a fitting question, fitting for my stupid demeanor at that time: What do you mean? She was patient, she told me that she did not want to run away from this any longer. I was protesting, she was engaged, I knew her fiancee etc etc. She ofcourse knew all of it. But she would not run away any more. I could feel my shelter blowing into pieces with her every word. Soo long, I tried to convince her that this was friendship, a strong one, a great one, but still a friendship. So long I tried not to complicate things. Only so long.
Rest goes in a blur. I never remember being so content with what I am and what I have in my life more than I did at that time. I literally ran from the parking lot to my apartment when I came back from work. I ran to her. Such a feeling of peace. I felt like I was completed. I was peaceful. Everything, EVERYTHING was perfect. I realized, you could love the way someone blinks. I realized that I could actually belong to someone, proudly, whereas in my all relationships I was sooooo proud of my freedom at the end of the day. I realized, I was not afraid of the idea of marriage, as I have told my 2 ex gfs when things were getting serious, and I wanted out. I realized that you could have an urge to shout in the streets like : "You see this woman, I love her and she loves me back.. I belong to her and she belongs to me". I realized that I had a missing piece in me, after she completed me as she did.
She said that she could not live in Istanbul. I, the one who never ever wanted to live abroad, decided that I could live in london. Our summer house could be in Turkey. God, I know how, where, when to propose her. Stupid I know, but I made a song as a proposal, was just waiting for the right time(which never came obviously). I was dreaming of our wedding!! ME!! I, who was way toooooo realistic to dream, an engineer to the bones, who preferred being realistic instead of dreaming and raising hopes up just to see them crush later on, was fucking dreaming of how the tables would be in our wedding for gods sake!!! Love is a strange thing, it can make you an alcoholic, drug addict, it can make you suicide.. But, it can also make you realize your potential as a man. What you could do. What fears you had. For the first time in my life, I was not afraid of dreaming. God, I felt like we could take on the world when we are together...
She went back to london. She broke off the engagement. Her ex fiance and I had a talk, I couldnt say I was sorry. How can you say that youre sorry when youre feeling like that? I promised him however, that I would make her happy. That her happiness was my priority.
Everthing was going good for a while. I went to london to say with her for a couple of days. Our relationship was like a mature one, like we were together for years and years.. We had that maturity level in our frienship plus the excitement. What a rarity!!!
I came back, things were still going good. Then came in her ex fiance in the picture again. And even i believed he had changed. I could not bring myself to blame the guy(he was really one of the good guys that are left after all). He was winning her back. And all I could do was to watch things from Istanbul.
She told me that she would get again with him not so later. I felt shocked. I felt unreal. I felt hollow. Empty. After a short discussion, she told me this would be how she would be happy. I was speechless. I could not protest, I could not object, I could not even cry properly. I realized painfully, I really meant when once I told her fiancee that her hapiness was my one and only priority. I withdrew. I became miserable for a time being. It is OK to live with a missing piece when you dont know that something is missing. But it is damn hard after you knew how it feels to be completed, and then being cut away from that feeling again. I sulked. Not to her though, to her, I was pretending to be OK. She, of course, saw through me, as she always does, but respected my decision for pretending, and tried not to play with it. I realized, I could not cry even if I wanted to. She was happy after all, how could I cry?
Things went on and on. They are married now. Hopefully happy. We dont talk as we did before, its forbidden zone now. We do small talk though. We miss each other. It still amazes me when she texts me after I tried to reach out for her, in need of her at times but decided not to because of my fucking chivalric common sense. I still feel theres a bond between us, stronger than anything that happened in our lives yet. I still feel her presence, influence from time to time, urging me to be a better man. I dont listen to that urge now.
All this time, Ive had some girls getting into my life. I thought that I loved somebody even. Only to realize that I am far, faaar away from healing yet. And god help me, I still hope that one day she will come back to me. I only hope that one day will not be too far away. I even hope that somehow, someway she will read this. So that she still knows how important she is to me, even after all this time. I hope that something will shake her back to her senses.
Hope is not the best of allies. Not always.
