jklein's blog: "Words put together to form sentences"

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the
top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile
precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled
across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did
horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a
moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes,
hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to
do...

Quit drinking before noon.

There have always been a few things that I think about, mostly when I am driving, sitting in a quiet room; fine doing just about anything. Nothing real thought provoking just thoughts to pass the time of everyday life.

Like when we get to be grandparents, are we going to tell the stories of, when I was your age we only had 800 channels or back in my day I had to drive 3 miles to get something to eat? Will I be the old guy sitting on my porch telling kids to get off my god damn yard?

See nothing to serious, of course I am not a real serious person. Need proof? Just look at the shit that bugs me on my page.

Here are a few more things to chew on.

Ok stay with me on this one, this tends to confuse the hell out of people. I honestly think they are just too slow to keep up. Please don't be one of those people.

Lets assume for the sake of this thought that there is a default set of colors. Blue, green, orange, yellow, red, etc.

Now lets we are looking at 3 shirts; one red, one green and one blue.

To you you see the red one as the default color purple, the green one is yellow and the blue one is white. I see the same shirts as the red is the default green, the green is red and the blue one is orange.

All the while we call them the same color as eachother?

Is that why some people like some things and others do not, simply because the color they are seeing is not attractive to them? For example, people who like art, see a combination of colors that is visually appealing to them while people who aren't big on art see a combination of colors similar to the water brushes are cleaned out in.


Last one, why in all of the technological advances can we not have cereal that stays crispy? I am sick of soggy cereal. It's a damn speed race if you want to have crispy cereal for the entire breakfast experience.

If you have any simple thoughts you would like to share feel free. I am always looking for something to think about to pass the time.

When people say while watching a movie did you see that? No loser. I paid $12 to come to the movies and stare at the floor.

When people say life is short? What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

When people say it's always the last place you look? Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

People who call on the phone at 4.30 in the morning and ask 'Did I wake you up? Oh no!!! You didn't, I am usually up at this hour cutting out my paper dolls.

The phrase "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Now tell me one thing? Why in the world would I go out and buy or steal or beg for a goddamn cake and NOT be able to eat it?

People who stop beside you while you are soaking wet, and say "It's raining isn't it? Rain?? What rain?? NO it's NOT raining. I am this way because I forgot to take my clothes off when I took a shower this morning.

When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Those idiots who sue for anything. It's your fault your fat, not McDonalds'.

When kids over-quote one-liners from funny movies and tv shows to the point where they aren't funny anymore. There's always those kids that think that if they recite Adam Sandler movie quips over and over that they just get funnier and funnier. Well, they don't. And the same goes for the kids who think that quoting a joke from Chappelle's Show or South Park means they know what their talking about.

People who tell you that you don't hate something, you only 'extremely dislike' it. No, I'll tell you what I feel thank you, I don't need your help.

People who can't swear right.~ The people who curse better than anyone would be Joe Pesci and Samuel L. Jackson. Used frequently, yet tastefully, yet somewhat sparingly. And with the right combination of words. I know plenty of kids who just vomits vulgarity without thinking about and it sounds stupid.

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors &windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Telepath wanted: you know where to apply

Inland Revenue: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Watch out for the idiot behind me

I’m driving this way just to piss you off

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy

Don?t piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies

Which is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkansas, Tolerance?

Ban toilet cleaner- Germs have feelings too

Be nice to your children- they choose your nursing home

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Reality is for people with no imagination

Rehab Is for Quitters

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it ’PMS’ because ’Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.

Police Station Toilet Stolen.... Cops have nothing to go on.

Ham and eggs - A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Welcome to Kentucky - Set your watch back 20 years.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Ground Beef: A Cow with No Legs

never takes life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Despite the cost of living, it’s still popular.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Clones are people two.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

All generalizations are false.

I brake for fairys, elves, gnomes, the toothfairy, the easter bunny, santa and other little creatures that only I can see

New! Divorce Barbie. Barbie doll with all of Ken’s accessories.

Men are not pigs. Pigs are sweet, intelligent, sensitive, clean animals.

I love animals- they taste great.

Where there’s a will, I wanna be in it.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

Never let school get in the way of your EDUCATION.

Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk.

I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter

Everyone makes mistakes, thats why pencil have erasers

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Obsession is the word lazy people give to those of us who are motivated.

I have PMS. Therefore I can legally kill you.

When in doubt- shup up!

If they dont have chocolate in heaven, I AINT GOING!

I’m talking to myself- please don’t eavesdrop!

I got kicked outta Scouts for eating a Brownie.

Diahoerea is a heredatory ilness, it runs in the genes.

Im a bomb technition, if you see me running, try to keep up.

We’ve  all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in
our  cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as  we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.  For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for  taking a dump
at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk  really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and  everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know
where it came from. Be  careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been  expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your  pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the  bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a  FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you  constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out  while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually  accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an  escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a  man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did  not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for  all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel  uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at  a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a  hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall  until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness  of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the  toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of  air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid  being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from  the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the  bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in  and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does  not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the  COURTESY
FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops  at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the  Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under  their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of the Closet  Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK  (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency  pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor  the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE  HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the  building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are  predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a  pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone  who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the  door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that  can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the  stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all  uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts  all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be  used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars.  Very effective when used in conjunction with
a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert  potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will  remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in  peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting  the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a  Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See  CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a  series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an  Escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT  BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend  ext ended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.  An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as  you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This  benefits you as
well as the other bathroom  attendees

     *THE STAND OFF* That’s when you  and another person are in a stall and
     you are  both waiting for the other one to leave until one of  you
     finally decides to give in and come back  later and when it’s the
     other person it feels  like sweet victory!