jklein's blog: "Words put together to form sentences"

We’ve  all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in
our  cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as  we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.  For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for  taking a dump
at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk  really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and  everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know
where it came from. Be  careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been  expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your  pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the  bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a  FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you  constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out  while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually  accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an  escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a  man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did  not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for  all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel  uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at  a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a  hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall  until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness  of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the  toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of  air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid  being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from  the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the  bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in  and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does  not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the  COURTESY
FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops  at work and is Doggone
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the  Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under  their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of the Closet  Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK  (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency  pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor  the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE  HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the  building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are  predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a  pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone  who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the  door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that  can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the  stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all  uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts  all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be  used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars.  Very effective when used in conjunction with
a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert  potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will  remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in  peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting  the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a  Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See  CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a  series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an  Escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT  BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend  ext ended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.  An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as  you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This  benefits you as
well as the other bathroom  attendees

     *THE STAND OFF* That’s when you  and another person are in a stall and
     you are  both waiting for the other one to leave until one of  you
     finally decides to give in and come back  later and when it’s the
     other person it feels  like sweet victory!