When is enough, enough?
Life is a very peculiar thing. It has its ups and downs, and just to keep thing interesting life throws a few curveballs in for good measure. I was goin through my old blogs tonight. The last blog I wrote was about me taking charge of my life shortly after the Lisa suicide debacle. I am better now. Hell I was better then I jus didnt know it or couldnt see it. I can see clearly now, but as they say hindsight is always 20/20. Since that time there have been numerous changes in my life, not all for the better. But that is one of life curveballs. It seems that im destined to have more than a few thrown my way. Its true that I have walked my own path pretty much since the day I turned 15. And a lot of the problems and difficulties I'm having in life are a result of decisions I made when I was younger. I can deal with that. But in the meantime, does everything else have to work against me??
Be that as it may. I didnt start a new blog to rehash the past. Im just bitching to be bitching I guess. Ever since Lisa left I have re-examined my relationships and their short comings and downfalls. I dont allow myself to be sold short anymore. I do realize that no one on earth is perfect and their will always be some type of issue to deal with. But I refuse to SETTLE for anything less than what I deserve. I had a decent relationship with an old friend of mine shortly after the whole mess with Lisa. But as the old saying goes. Don't ever cross the line and date anyone your friends with. Things were great at first, but the started to fall apart shortly afterwards because we were heading in 2 different directions. She wanted me to be something she wanted. I wanted to be me. But all in all I think that it ended well. I hated like hell breaking her heart as I know how deep her feelings went. I felt like shit for breaking her heart. But it was the only option I had. I couldnt allow myself to be changed into something I wasnt. It wasnt fair of me to ask her to change. Nor is it fair for her to ask me to change. Love is about caring for that person no matter who they are or what their flaws are. Granted I probably have more than my fair share of them ( once again my fault) but i dont hide them or try and ignor them. I do my best to deal with them as they come.
I wandered around for awhile. I came across a woman who made me rethink things. I will spare her name as she wants nothing to do with me at this time. It wasnt the funny way that we met it was her reaction to me. Not that im anything special. Im not as thin or as built as I once was and age has changed a few things. Physically and mentally I have way mellowed out since I was a 20 something full of piss and vinegar. The attitude is still there but the fuse is longer nowadays way longer. Some might take this for a sign of weakness. but make no mistake. Who I used to be is still very much alive and kicking, its just that the cage is stronger and he doesnt get to come out as often as he used to. So please dont ever mistake kindness for weakness. But Im getting off the subject. I met a woman who had made me change my way of looking at things. She was young yes. But very kind or so it seemed at the time. She was very open and honest ( or so it seemed) about her emotions . Things progressed very rapidly as relationships go. She had a fwe issues from her past, nothing outside the ordinary as far as midwest women go. I fell very quickly for this woman as she was what i had been looking for. I wanted a woman i could talk with and be open about things with. Problem was is that in being open and honest. I basically gave her the keys to ruin our relationship. There is an old saying that states there is something about being "too honest". I think I was too honest. But I dont know how to be any other way. Yes I have made numerous numerous mistake in the past. I still make then from time to time as that is part of being a human. I did everything I could think of to try an maintain an honest and open relationship. But Im not sure exactly where things went hay-wire. Wether it was when the financial troubles started or the time we lost power for a time. Times do get hard from time to time in life and if you happen to be ina relationship while the hard times are happening, well thats just part of life. You take to good with the bad. Some people myself included have very little faith in human nature. Myself being one of those people. But I am willing to give everyone at least one chance. I have been known to give certain people more than one chance, but that has always been a bad idea. There is no point as most people dont realize what they have until they lose it and by then its too late and the damage is already done. As unfortunate as this facet of life is, it is a major part.
I played my part in the dramam that was to unfold. I am no saint and I dont claim to be perfect. There are a few true friends among my many readers and many of you know me very well. The only thing I claim to be is honest, decent, faithful, hardworking and devoted. I am sorry that this is not enough for some people.
I grew up poor. I do not think that this is a bad thing. I showed me the value of money. It showed me that I have morals and values. In that I dont need money to be happy. While it is true that love doesnt pay the rent. It is very difficult to live on love alone. While most of us would love to try, this is absolute lunacy.
I was honest with this woman. I was decent and was pursueing our relationship and the possibilities it held with everything I had. But as for a few of the financial troubles I have been having as of late. It was driving her nuts. I am not the most organized nor am I the best with moeny. I can save it. And I do have long range plans. But money is not the most important thing in my life. I do deserve to have a comfortable life and I would like to be able to do the things I want to do in life. But I am comfortable in the knowledge that I will survive to the best of my ability. I will never have a super nice$300,00+ home. But I will be surrounded by family that loves me. People I can count on for love and support. And people who will be there for me no matter what happens in life. Long as those things are present in my life, then money isnt all that terribly important. Granted it is needed for things that make life comfortable, but they are not necessary for a happy life.
With all that being said I am at fault forb eing drunk and saying some things that probably shouldnt have been said. I wasnt in the proper frame of mind to be having any type of important relationship discussion at all. I should have just left it at the point that she wanted to go home as life was too hard and she thought that I didnt have the drive to give her the life she deserved. But I guess with a mix of the alcohol and my state of mind I did what I shouldnt have done, and I let everything that had been building up in my mind out. She Left. A few days go by and I finally hear from her. In my mind a woman who moves everything out of your house, clothes, houseplants and all isnt planning on coming back. I was hurt beyond words. But sad as it is to say. I think im becoming used to being hurt, and maybe this is my sign that i should jus leave things as they are and let things come about in there own time. I am not looking for anything at present, I am merely content to see what kind of curveball is coming my way next.
My roomie chris is right in saying that I do fall way to easily. I dont see that as a terribly bad thing. I do see it as a weakness as Im taken advantage of time and time again. But I do need to be extra selective on the next relationship. I do wish the old one could have worked but I see to many issues now that shes gone. I would have gladly done anything for her. But I am not what she wanted. She wanted a trophy boyfriend. And I am no ones fucking trophy. I am what I am. What you see is what you get. And that is all.
Well maybe not all......................
I do have a question for you all.
Where is the line?
When do you have to say that enough is enough?
When is love not enough?
When are things going to get a little easier?
The good thing about these questions are that everyone has a different answer for them and no specific one is the right one. It is all dependant upon the person and the circumstances. What works for one may not work for you. So far nothing has worked for me.
I love you Katie and Lindsey for being there and telling me things are going to get better. I sure hope you guys are right. Im getting sick of the same old shit. People getting scarred and running away or things are getting hard and then running away.
Or people just plain giving up. Hopefully things will change from here on out.
On a side note. I have left out certain minute details to protect the identity of this last disaster. (Sorry Lindsey) But I have done this out of respect to not drag this woman thru the mud. I hate her decision but I have no choice but to live with it. It is a sure sign that things will get better. Maybe someday I will get to see the faces of those who will finally see how wrong they were. But that is a petty wish. I hope all are happy with the paths they have chosen to walk in life. I am happy that they decided to walk with me for however short a while it may have been. But it made me realize I am not alone on this journey. We are all on a journey its just a matter of traveling alone or travelling together. I hope I dont have to make the journey alone.
Thanx for listening to me bitch.
Love Warchild
