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notallwhowanderarelost's blog: "Poetry"

created on 03/20/2009  |  http://fubar.com/poetry/b286374
When is enough, enough?
Life is a very peculiar thing. It has its ups and downs, and just to keep thing interesting life throws a few curveballs in for good measure. I was goin through my old blogs tonight. The last blog I wrote was about me taking charge of my life shortly after the Lisa suicide debacle. I am better now. Hell I was better then I jus didnt know it or couldnt see it. I can see clearly now, but as they say hindsight is always 20/20. Since that time there have been numerous changes in my life, not all for the better. But that is one of life curveballs. It seems that im destined to have more than a few thrown my way. Its true that I have walked my own path pretty much since the day I turned 15. And a lot of the problems and difficulties I'm having in life are a result of decisions I made when I was younger. I can deal with that. But in the meantime, does everything else have to work against me?? 
   
     Be that as it may. I didnt start a new blog to rehash the past. Im just bitching to be bitching I guess. Ever since Lisa left I have re-examined my relationships and their short comings and downfalls. I dont allow myself to be sold short anymore. I do realize that no one on earth is perfect and their will always be some type of issue to deal with. But I refuse to SETTLE for anything less than what I deserve. I had a decent relationship with an old friend of mine shortly after the whole mess with Lisa. But as the old saying goes. Don't ever cross the line and date anyone your friends with. Things were great at first, but the started to fall apart shortly afterwards because we were heading in 2 different directions. She wanted me to be something she wanted. I wanted to be me. But all in all I think that it ended well. I hated like hell breaking her heart as I know how deep her feelings went. I felt like shit for breaking her heart. But it was the only option I had. I couldnt allow myself to be changed into something I wasnt. It wasnt fair of me to ask her to change. Nor is it fair for her to ask me to change. Love is about caring for that person no matter who they are or what their flaws are. Granted I probably have more than my fair share of them ( once again my fault) but i dont hide them or try and ignor them. I do my best to deal with them as they come.
  
I wandered around for awhile. I came across a woman who made me rethink things. I will spare her name as she wants nothing to do with me at this time. It wasnt the funny way that we met it was her reaction to me. Not that im anything special. Im not as thin or as built as I once was and age has changed a few things. Physically and mentally I have way mellowed out since I was a 20 something full of piss and vinegar. The attitude is still there but the fuse is longer nowadays way longer. Some might take this for a sign of weakness. but make no mistake. Who I used to be is still very much alive and kicking, its just that the cage is stronger and he doesnt get to come out as often as he used to. So please dont ever mistake kindness for weakness. But Im getting off the subject. I met a woman who had made me change my way of looking at things. She was young yes. But very kind or so it seemed at the time. She was very open and honest ( or so it seemed) about her emotions . Things progressed very rapidly as relationships go. She had a fwe issues from her past, nothing outside the ordinary as far as midwest women go. I fell very quickly for this woman as she was what i had been looking for. I wanted a woman i could talk with and be open about things with. Problem was is that in being open and honest. I basically gave her the keys to ruin our relationship. There is an old saying that states there is something about being "too honest". I think I was too honest. But I dont know how to be any other way. Yes I have made numerous numerous mistake in the past. I still make then from time to time as that is part of being a human. I did everything I could think of to try an maintain an honest and open relationship. But Im not sure exactly where things went hay-wire. Wether it was when the financial troubles started or the time we lost power for a time. Times do get hard from time to time in life and if you happen to be ina relationship while the hard times are happening, well thats just part of life. You take to good with the bad. Some people myself included have very little faith in human nature. Myself being one of those people. But I am willing to give everyone at least one chance. I have been known to give certain people more than one chance, but that has always been a bad idea. There is no point as most people dont realize what they have until they lose it and by then its too late and the damage is already done. As unfortunate as this facet of life is, it is a major part.
     I played my part in the dramam that was to unfold. I am no saint and I dont claim to be perfect. There are a few true friends among my many readers and many of you know me very well. The only thing I claim to be is honest, decent, faithful, hardworking and devoted. I am sorry that this is not enough for some people. 
    
     I grew up poor. I do not think that this is a bad thing. I showed me the value of money. It showed me that I have morals and values. In that I dont need money to be happy. While it is true that love doesnt pay the rent. It is very difficult to live on love alone. While most of us would love to try, this is absolute lunacy.

I was honest with this woman. I was decent and was pursueing our relationship and the possibilities it held with everything I had. But as for a few of the financial troubles I have been having as of late. It was driving her nuts. I am not the most organized nor am I the best with moeny. I can save it. And I do have long range plans. But money is not the most important thing in my life. I do deserve to have a comfortable life and I would like to be able to do the things I want to do in life. But I am comfortable in the knowledge that I will survive to the best of my ability. I will never have a super nice$300,00+ home. But I will be surrounded by family that loves me. People I can count on for love and support.  And people who will be there for me no matter what happens in life. Long as those things are present in my life, then money isnt all that terribly important. Granted it is needed for things that make life comfortable, but they are not necessary for a happy life.

With all that being said I am at fault forb eing drunk and saying some things that probably shouldnt have been said. I wasnt in the proper frame of mind to be having any type of important relationship discussion at all. I should have just left it at the point that she wanted to go home as life was too hard and she thought that I didnt have the drive to give her the life she deserved. But I guess with a mix of the alcohol and my state of mind I did what I shouldnt have done, and I let everything that had been building up in my mind out. She Left. A few days go by and I finally hear from her. In my mind a woman who moves everything out of your house, clothes, houseplants and all isnt planning on coming back.  I was hurt beyond words. But sad as it is to say. I think im becoming used to being hurt, and maybe this is my sign that i should jus leave things as they are and let things come about in there own time. I am not looking for anything at present, I am merely content to see what kind of curveball is coming my way next.

My roomie chris is right in saying that I do fall way to easily. I dont see that as a terribly bad thing. I do see it as a weakness as Im taken advantage of time and time again. But I do need to be extra selective on the next relationship. I do wish the old one could have worked but I see to many issues now that shes gone. I would have gladly done anything for her. But I am not what she wanted. She wanted a trophy boyfriend. And I am no ones fucking trophy. I am what I am. What you see is what you get. And that is all.

Well maybe not all......................
I do have a question for you all.
Where is the line?
When do you have to say that enough is enough?
When is love not enough?
When are things going to get a little easier?

The good thing about these questions are that everyone has a different answer for them and no specific one is the right one. It is all dependant upon the person and the circumstances. What works for one may not work for you. So far nothing has worked for me.
I love you Katie and Lindsey for being there and telling me things are going to get better. I sure hope you guys are right. Im getting sick of the same old shit. People getting scarred and running away or things are getting hard and then running away. 
Or people just plain giving up. Hopefully things will change from here on out.

On a side note. I have left out certain minute details to protect the identity of this last disaster. (Sorry Lindsey) But I have done this out of respect to not drag this woman thru the mud. I hate her decision but I have no choice but to live with it. It is a sure sign that things will get better. Maybe someday I will get to see the faces of those who will finally see how wrong they were. But that is a petty wish. I hope all are happy with the paths they have chosen to walk in life. I am happy that they decided to walk with me for however short a while it may have been. But it made me realize I am not alone on this journey. We are all on a journey its just a matter of traveling alone or travelling together. I hope I dont have to make the journey alone.

Thanx for listening to me bitch.
Love Warchild 

sadly this is all true

My thoughts.........take them as you will! Current mood:Sad/Crying/Thoughtful I have been reading a lot of these in the bulletin boards of the various sites that I belong to, and i thought Id throw in my 2 cents worth. I realize I can be a long winded son of a bitch. But I am getting really frustrated with the whole " Why are men/women so fucking complicated" routine. I just want to cry. Some I'm going to lay out the basic framework of men. I have dated numerous men and women over the years. And while I am not a relationship expert, I have made a tremendous number of mistakes and learned from them. I have also been the saint in a relationship or two and still been shit on. So with this in mind. I give you my thoughts................ Men are very base creatures by nature. We are generally the hunter/gatherer. We feel the need to provide and protect. We are very callous and caustic by nature when interacting with members of our own sex. Everyone of us believes himself to be the alpha male of the pack. Whether we are or not. We come in all shapes and sizes. Big and small, tall and thin, short and fat, and every combination and color in between. We protect what we believe to be "ours" whether it be an object or possession or a person. We can be very fiercely passionate about almost anything. But the showing of that emotion outside of ourselves is a rare thing. Most of us have had it beat into our heads at an early age ( physically or otherwise) that the showing of emotion is unmanly. and therefore to be avoided at all costs. While we can share this emotional state with our partners. It is still very difficult to express something that has been ingrained in our minds that we shouldn't. So most of the time we don't share this or when we do it is on an extremely limited basis. We have the same emotional range that women do. But our conditioning as it were has put the expressing of certain emotions in a bad light. But we shrug it off and think it unmanly to express such things. Thus there the problems really begin for inter sex relations as we don't express the full gamut of emotions that a female will. This isn't to say that we don't feel these emotions its just that they arent expressed openly. We all have the same insecurities: jealousy,trust,betrayal,self esteem issues,self worth, social anxiety,etc,etc. I do honestly believe that most men are just better at hiding them. At least until a relationship gets to the point where things are about to go to another level, and hes laid bare bones before his significant other. I am not about to go into all the vagaries of individual personalities and their flaws. Liars,cheaters, abusers,and so on. As those behaviors are a product of the old nature vs. nurture argument. While it is true that a person raised in a violent situation is more likely to repeat that pattern in adulthood. That is not always true. It is also true that the exact opposite is also sometimes true. But anyway the purpose of this blog is not to analyze the male thought process as we would be here for years. The purpose of this is to give the womenfolk some insight into how we "generally" react or fail to react to certain situations. I hope Ive covered as much as possible given my mere 32 years of experience. Happy reading!!! A man may flirt about all day long. But he is still thinking about the woman he has at home. Most times it is an insecurity that makes him feel the need to be needed as much as possible by as many people as possible. A man is way more emotional than you may think. Just because he doesn't cry at the end of " The Notebook" doesn't mean he doesn't want to. It just been programmed into him not too. A man will go to great lengths to get a woman's attention. Even negative attention is still attention on a much baser level. This is the peacock display. The better our feathers look, the brighter they are, and the more there are of them. The more women will notice them. This is a very normal behavior. Some men take it to ridiculous lengths, but it is normal. Most men are typically insecure on some level. Some more so than others. We feel the need to possess people, places, and things. We want to be the only man you talk to. Partially out of jealousy, and partially due to insecurities. We want to be the only man "you" need. Not because we don't mind you having other males around. but that brings in the protector side of us. This most of the time doesn't end well for all parties involved. But it can be overcome. Communication on an emotional level is difficult for us at the best of times. Even alone with us you've probably noticed that talking about emotions is kind of like pulling teeth at times. The times we do speak of these things. please listen as you have no idea how difficult it is to do so. Leaving a man with a hanging message: "You know what? Um. never mind." will drive him to extreme lengths to try and figure out what it was that he did wrong. And because base communication is very difficult during normal times, these heightened times will drive them to jump to extreme conclusions as they try and figure out where their mistake was made at. When a man is comfortable enough with you to let you in and talk about the things on his mind or his emotions. The best response you can ever give is to just listen. Don't just "hear" what he has to say "listen" to what he has to say. Their is a massive difference between listening to someone and hearing them. Sadly both sexes seem to have this same problem in differentiating between the two. It may sound like a bit of a stretch, but at least in my case and a few others Ive found out that. Men love you a lot more than you love them. As their is not accurate gauge on which to measure emotional response. I have thought and thought on this and its been my experience that when I tell you " I love you". it isn't just a series of words strung together. It means "I will die for you", "I will protect you from all harm", "I will provide/take care of you forever", " I will sacrifice everything i am to make sure your all you can be". PERIOD, no shortcuts, no breaks, nothing. Yes! Katie Mae this means you too. Most men are "all or nothing" types. It either one extreme or the other. But almost never have I seen this level of commitment of a woman's part. If I could get a tenth of what I put into a relationship out of it. I could die a happy man. This may also explain why some men are not comfortable being friends with an ex-girlfriend. But it also has a lot to do with our insecurities, because we feel that everything we are isn't enough for you. That's why guys 99% of the time have a harder time with break ups. You almost never hear of a woman attempting suicide because her boyfriend left. Men do it all the time. Due to the same insecurities that drive us to seek out one who completes us. it the same insecurities that push a man over the edge. Men use a lot of colorful language to describe women they find attractive. Hot , Cute, DDAAMMNN. and so on. Words such as gorgeous and beautiful are not heard as often. not because of a deficient vocabulary, but because using such terms will give someone else too much insight as to how hes feelings or thinking at that time. Remember that showing any emotion is something were not programmed to do right from the start. It really sux too, as that is a double edged sword. Show nothing at all and your considered a heartless bastard, show too much and your a wish-washy little bitch. go figure Men being such as they are with showing little to no emotion at all in the beginning. Are very emotional creatures. it just takes a little digging to get past all the years of brain washing to find out who they really are. They will rarely tell you how we are feeling or thinking about something. When we say that we "are going crazy over you" we usually are! Men will also fight exceedingly hard to push you and everyone else away from him when he is up against a problem of magnitude. In reality the harder we push you away the harder we want you to push to get closer. Once again the inferiority complex is kicking in. We need to be wanted and needed. But for some reason all our programming tells us to push you away when we need you the most. No man can handle all his problems on his own. Not one of us can. But very few indeed will ever admit to that fact. I myself have been guilty of this many times. Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you. Truly loved you, he still does. Women seem to have this gift ( in my experience anyway) of totally blocking others from seeing any emotions at all. especially when their hurt. Some kind of evolutionary throwback that tells you to not show a weakness. ( sound familiar!!) and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life. Yes sad as it is to say it. We are just poor communicators, with too many sources of input with not enough outputs. I cant even begin to tell you that this is the roughest of rough drafts that has ever existed. The infinite combination's of nature and environment take on so many forms that to classify one individual is nearly impossible. But to catch the briefest glimpse into the mind of the beast is sometimes a blessing. Ill prolly get yelled at for generalizing to much or not enough, because people will not take into account that everyone is different. We are all the same species, but the various things that make us who we are is so vastly different that if would take lifetimes to decipher it all. Better to not know. In parting I want you women to know this record is based on "MY" experiences and on those of the people close to my life. If your man doesn't fit in here. Fine, but maybe this will give you a guide to better understanding him. I'm putting this out there in the hopes that the next woman to come into my life will be prepared. I don't throw "I Love You" out there for sport or to make you more sexually available. I mean what I say. I love with every fiber of my being. With all that I am. This last break up has affected me more deeply than I ever thought possible. It was all in part due to my misinterpretations of her feelings, and her own emotional demons that she couldn't face. I will deal with this for the rest of my life. I will forever have you in my heart and on my mind Lisa. Please get better, if not for my sake. than for the sake of the next man you do this too. Good night .. ..

exile

“ Exile “ Beneath the bright sun, the exile wonders His heart is turned in, his spirit ponders What sins he has done to deserve his fate Alone he must wait for his death day to come When he was a child, his parents forsook him They set him adrift, consigned to the dark whim Of fortune, He grew, and soon was a man ‘Twas then that his thoughts ran to vengeance and doom He challenged his father, and cut off his head He challenged the priesthood, and left the priest dead He challenged the people, and they drove him out Into exile, Now doubt plagues his mind and soul How different are we, than he wandering there Forsaken by nature, forbidden to care Of other poor mortals in trial after trail We are the exiles! Amusement to angels, but vermin to God!!

eternity

“ Eternity “ Blissfully empty A strong heart, once betrayed Now silent and cold Waiting, The spark of love…. Everything and nothing Wanting the past Fearing it as well Everything is uncertain, No Fate Only what we make for ourselves Eternal emptiness or…Eternal uncertainty Cherished object of love Now an instrument of death The heart, The nexus of the soul Full of life….. If put to use As cold and hard as stone When used and abused

Logic

With nothing to live with but regrets I have become bitter With nothing to feed my soul but bitterness I have become malicious With nothing to give but malice I am lonely With no one to talk too, I evolve into madness Within the cold comforts of insanity I have no regrets.

My home in hell

My Home In Hell My home is one of heartache A place of steel and stone A barren cell, a home in hell And here I must atone For all my crime I pay with time Where lights glare day and night And though I rage and pace my cage I must stay and pay My home in hell is one small cell That no man wants to own For here I spend my life condemned A man the world disowns So I, The damned, Within walls crammed Lie in my man made grave A man all men condemn for sin But no man strives to save Each bitter day, I curse and pray To any god unknown My hope is fed on fear and dread But these are only bones I feel and ache as though a stake Were driven through my heart No greater curse, no hunger worse Than hunger within my heart I face the wall and taste the gall Of failure and defeat But hope is cheap where life is cheap And thoughts of freedom bittersweet I beat and maul the concrete wall And walk the concrete floor I damn each day the prison way And hope for chance one more Each lonely dawn the midnight spawns I stand and face the wall In bitterness and loneliness I await the whistles call To pay the price of human lice Who went astray top fall Who raped or stole or killed for gold And now must drink of gall Men scream and yell within my hell But I’m a man alone My tears of pain like bitter rain Spill down on naked stone Here every gate is one of hate Love has no place to hide For each lost fool who breaks a rule The way to hell is wide My chains of steel can never feel The things that I hold dear But chains of man are kinder than The men who keep me here For every lock a key is made A saw for every chain But each escape will forge the shape Of chains I’ll wear again But each day I fight to hold the right To call myself a man But if I try to run and die They’ll say a rat just ran My every loss becomes a cross Which I must bear alone For no appeal will sever steel Or move a heart of stone It somehow seems that all my dreams Must wait for each tomorrow My days and years are made of tears And misery and sorrow Convict knives take human lives No jungle holds more danger The years I stay both night and day Each man remains a stranger Deep in the night I wake and light A cigarette and listen To all the snores behind steel bars And long for all I’m missing I feel the sting, the bitter ring Of keys in metal locks The scrape of feet upon concrete As guards patrol the blocks The things men hate and mutilate Are things that all men value The mind of men the will within The spirit of god gives you The right to sin, and rise again A freeman, not a slave To find a friend and at the end Escape a paupers grave. I cannot tell to those in hell The dreams I send above And how the schrill of whistles kill Each passing though of love In prisons mill, time rapes each will Upon a rack of years I seldom find a mans who’s kind If I shed blood or tears All prison lice don’t have a price Of power, wealth or time And though I’d sell my home in hell For much less than a dime And prostitute good attributes For selfishness or less You soon learn well , that her in hell Your keepers sell each kindness Within these walls that never fall The damned all come to know A row of cells, a special hell Called solitary row Where seconds cheat and hunger eats The belly of each slave Where gas is shot and each man rots Within his man made grave The strong is right, both black and white And each put in a cell For each must pay in his own way Within his private hell And when each fool who broke a rule Is taken out at last A cunning knave he grins to save Himself from further fast But all his guile and every smile Are just to hide his tears And every laugh his only chance Lost in the wind of years My home in hell is one I’d sell To any passerby Or give away, or gladly pay So I could say goodbye To sleepless nights and glaring lights To guns, and bars, and chains To wall on stone and men alone And years I can’t regain To those who take my dreams and make Me live in hell forever To those who lash and try to smash The human spirit ever To those who steal the things I feel And sow my heart with sorrow And each farewll I bid in hell Is lost to each tomorrow Warchild----- Dec 23rd, 1996- April 23rd, 1998

Puppetry

See me as I am A puppet without a soul You twist and turn You don’t know why But in the end we all just die Faces in the darkness Living and Dying Laughing and Crying The puppet masters strings Are twisted and frayed So is your life Dead and decayed After everything I’ve done I hate myself for what I’ve become It took you to make me realize Life is an illusion!!!!!! Warchild 1996

prey

Will you pray for me When you finally realize You are prey for me!!

Me and my siblings

“Worlds Apart” At the beginning there were Four One tall and strong, Proud and full of ideals—(A convict) One tall and slender, Moody and graceful, full of imagination—(A writer) One tall and broad, Quick and decisive and full of curiosity—(A tinker) One small and slight, Proud and idealistic and full of possibilities—(A mother) They grew, were nourished, developed individually and Independently, matured were educated and fulfilled……. And yet they yearned One for life to it’s fullest-Consequences be damned One for entertaining others with the spawn of his mind One for understanding the world and how it works The last for fulfillment of all life’s trivialities -And yet they grew and matured- One sits with an uncertain future, praying for time To fly by as it did so in his youth One works himself to death to provide for himself In the hopes that his imagination pays off—praying On others fears and superstitions One eternally questioning everything- leaves the nest To let the world educate him, hoping to understand the Universe One leaves of her own volition to learn and experience life As her siblings have……..Hoping to achieve more than them!!!!!!
As I walk through life all alone, I look back and realize That there is nothing left. I’ve spent my life away, On Things that are pointless. Life can never be as it once was. As my heart weighs heavily with the pain of a boy who could Have done anything, The only thing to look forward to is the Thought of living in the pit of apitomey, I’ve made for myself, I know now the saying is true. “You reap what, you Sow!” Suicidal thought are running through my head— Wishing I were dead, wondering who the fuck to blame for me. Death, what is it really? Sometimes I think I’m more afraid of Living than I am of dying. Or the joy I want, Of the pain to come. Yet I think I’ll stick around and pull all the innocent ones into my Dirty little downward spiral. All in all the only ones who know me Are dead in my mind. I can see the flesh rotting from their corpses. They’re all going to die they just don’t know it yet. I told them They should have killed me as a baby!!! Warchild 03-22-1999
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