It was cold. Or, rather, chillier than usual. I kept thinking...am I really going 98 miles to meet someone I've only talked to a few times online. But you made me smile. You made me laugh. And as I thought about my reasons...I watched your smile playing through my mind...I saw your eyes again. I remembered the way we laughed together, like friends who had known each other for years when we'd known each other but maybe two weeks, when we were playing tic-tac-toe and connect the dots and coloring on yahoo.
You made me laugh, you made me smile...and it felt right...you gave me a clear memory. So I figured it was the least I could do. Come to meet you. At least we could be friends. At least I could know who I was going to this damned dance with. At least I could figure out why your soul felt so familiar. At least I could find out why I felt like I knew that glow.
And driving up there, all I could think was...my GOD is ANYone worth this? The road stretched on and on, I was tired, it was dark...Even the songs on the c.d. were irritating...I was listening to my 2nd bike tunes mix. But, I thought, I really didn't have anything better to do...I could be at home going out of my mind...I could be spending this time biking for another 2.5 hours...I could be boring myself to sleep.
I remember worrying myself silly about getting lost, but when I started towards this random dot on the map you'd called Crossroads on Lincolnway...I felt I'd traveled it before. I almost knew where I was going. And when the lights came up and the exit loomed ahead, the only thing going through my mind was...I'm not really doing this, am I? I didn't REALLY just drive this far...I'm early...what's she going to say to that? Will it be alright that I'm what...2 hours early? How late will it be when I start back home? What if it's too late and I have to stay there...will she be ok with that? Wonder what she looks like in person? Is it really ok that I'm showin up at her work? Should I stay in my car...go in and ask for her...oh damn..SHUT UP!
And then I was there. Pulling into the parking lot. And suddenly I'd forgotten what the hell you looked like and I was wondering if I'd know you by what you looked like on webcam. But when you walked up there to say hey...
I can't remember every thought...just how beautiful your smile was, how captivating your aura was...how FAMILIAR the air between us felt...and how cute you were, looking embarrased and grinnin like a fool and trying not to at the same time.
And while I sat there waiting on you, I thought about the first time I saw your profile. All I could think was...huh, she's got a cute smile. And as I read the way you described yourself...I am who I am...I thought...are you really, though? If I met you in person, what would your soul say about that...would you be saying one thing while your soul says another? And as I looked at your pic, I found myself intrigued...because you weren't trying to hide. I saw you as you were meant to be seen...I saw depths and shallows, struggle and happiness...you were there, saying here I am...do you dare to get to know me?
I remember sitting on your bed for the first time and you saying I was shy. But I was just quiet, taking you in. I was a little unsettled, a little scared...why did it feel like I'd been here and done all this before? Laughing with you was natural. And that first kiss...
Just staring into your eyes...and I knew what was going to happen. But I was shocked with myself, cuz I wanted it to happen...I wanted to know. And it happened slowly, like electricity shooting through my veins, and the oddest thing was I felt it go through yours. I remember your smell, remember feeling your heartbeat, remember how soft your lips were, remember how aware I was that my hands were pinned above my head, remember how I was lost for a moment...not sure where I was just...lost there with you.
And when you pulled away I really was unsettled...it was a familiar taste. I already knew what kissing you was like...and that was like saying hi, it's been forever. I missed you so much...I'm glad you've come back home. But it was NEW, too. Like I'd never even kissed anyone before...like you were my first kiss.
And lying next to you that night...you said I could get dressed for bed. I was still in my jeans, shirt, and socks and I said that's how I went to bed. And then I laid down on the other side of the bed and you giggled at me. You said I don't bite and I promise I'll be good my hands won't wander. And I moved just a little closer...just enough to be off the edge of the bed and then you were right there... RIGHT there...next to me, wrapping your arm around my side. And you asked if I was ok with it cuz you could move if I wasn't and I just said you're fine.
I couldn't actually believe I was sleeping that close to someone...much less that I was sleeping over at a stranger's home. But then...I knew then that you weren't a stranger. I felt too much like it was natural to sleep in your arms. I felt too safe, felt too comfortable. And every day afterwards has been like that. Everything is new...like I've never been there before...but it's old, too...I've lived it with you before.
And I know you've said that. Each day is easy to live. It feels like we've been together a lifetime...but in reality it's been only two months. We're still learning things...but so much of it we already know..it's like a refresher course.
I know I piss you off...I KNOW I irritate you...I know I get under your skin...but somehow you still love me through it. We remind each other of each other. We're so much the same...and yet so different. And if you ever wonder how I can love you...why I love you..despite everything...
All I can say's what's there NOT to love...in your sorrow, you carry yourself with grace. You carry the light against the dark without letting either destroy you...you took my heart from me from the moment I first saw you, first felt you...your smile shows your soul. You're tender, open, passionate, powerful, innocent and not innocent, you love me for me, you are you no matter what. You've shown me a life that until you existed only in lies and dreams for me. You prove to me each and evey day that love means standing even when you feel uncomfortable, that love means I'll be there no matter what, that it means something other than what I've known. But most of all...what I feel, what I show you, the way I accept you...you give everything I give...you meet me in every place I meet you...we stand as equals.
