Very early this morning, my grandmother passed. Truthfully, I did not think it would affect me so much. I was really just worried about my mom, since this was her step-mother. As I have told so many of my close friends, the term "step" when it comes to those in my family, does not hold much accuracy, as most of the "steps" in my family have been "steps" for so long they have become non-steps, in the natural terms. Just like the "half" siblings I have, they are not half, or step, but whole.
As I wished myself in to forgetting my memories, they came back. I didn't get sad. I became nauseatited. My "step" grandmother has been my grandmother for many years. Just like my "step" grandfather, as it is with my "step" mother, these people have been a part of my life for so long that there is no politically correct terminology that can leave them anything other than a member of my beloved family. The years have passed, and when she did I did not know her as well as I once may have. But that does not discredit who she is and will remain in my memory.
I do hurt for my mother, as this woman was so much a part of my life, she was so much more for my mom. My biological grandmother passed in 1994, and I am still unable to recall my beautiful grandmother with my mother, as it pains her so. Grandma Kate was the last of my mothers parents to go. This is why I worry for her. As she ws my last grandparent to go (and the last of my mothers parents), I know this somehow disconnects our family tree from the rest of the living world.
All I wanted tonight was to not be alone. I did not want to come home. At the same time I did not want to be out, or around anyone.
I told one friend this, and he complied. He then convinced me to go out, as this might be best, to be around people. It was good, until I realized history repeats itself.
Back before the days of The Girl, I had many friends. We hung out, we partied, we did whatever. When I became pregnant and could no longer go out, I was forgotten. Tonight I realized even without child, I am still forgotten. I went out tonight, only wanting love from those I thought would give it to me, and they had so much more going on that they did not have time to give it to me. I know that the world should not revolve around me, but for God's sake, I left the bar and nobody even noticed.
Am I selfish to have wanted to be around people? Or did I just choose the wrong people to want to be around? After all of this, even my boyfriend is mad at me for going out. My two loverlie girls, Amelia and Heather, were the two that truly wanted my company. They were the two that either sat with me or offered to sit with me, no questions asked. When this all came down, the first to hug me was Heather. I didnt cry, but when I came damn near it, it was on Heather's shoulder.
Why is it, after so many years, I KNOW that the people from work are likely not my friends? I have so many times over established my drinking buddies from my true friends. Why have I been suckered again? Did I once again think that just because I needed people to be my friends that they would be?
Why have I learned a lesson over and over again only to be re-taught that very same lesson?
My heart is now coming off of my shoulder, with everyone but those who proved to me tonight that they were true. All I wanted was company, and so few people offered it to me. Those who did, really rock my world. Those who didn't, somehow, even in my moment of clarity, managed to shatter it.
Rest In Peace, Grandma Kate. I'll see you when I get there.
