Trixie's blog: "random ponderings"

I don't think that many of the peope around me can define "happy" in a way that they can measure. It's something that we all strive for, but our goals for happiness continually change. So how do you achieve happiness if you don't know how to define it. I thought that maybe by the time were in their mid 20s they could define what did and did not make them happy but I'm seeing more and more people older than I am not understanding why they are unhappy. I know what makes me happy, angry, or sad and I don't blame my feelings one way or the other on others. Own your feelings for once, own up to the fact that you just enjoy being depressed. I truly believe that many of the people around me thrive on being unhappy. I thrive on making others happy, I'm a pleaser, I go out of my way to offer to do things for others because it makes me feel good inside to know that for one second in that persons life they were counting on me. I'm a human being and my moods shift more than the tides but I own every single one of my emotions. I hate September, it's a hard month for me, I want to curl into a ball on the last day of August and not wake up until the first day of October. I don't go around showing every person I come in contact with how depressed I am when I look at the calendar and realize it's the 20th of September again. I don't want to bring everyone around me down or for my depressing attitude to define who I am. If I were to die tomorrow I want people to look back on their relationship with me and know that I cared about them. I want them to know without a doubt that I am not self centered, I care about their well being and I was there at 3 in the morning when they needed someone to vent to. Maybe i'm not that close to some of you, maybe you don't think those things and I'm sorry if we're supposed to be close friends and you don't think you'd miss me if I died. I can't change who I am for anyone, and I wouldn't if I could. I am who I am, I know what I can and can't do and when I break down because the hardest time of my life rips me apart I do it in the quiet of my own room. I can't bring myself to tear my friends apart too. Maybe I'm crazy, it seems like I am sometimes but how can I call anyone my friend if I'm going to allow my hurt, my fear, my hate become theirs. I want to make people happy, not make them as miserable as I am. 

Ok I'm done venting now..I swear I'm going to write a happy blog one of these days.