stRAnGEr's blog: "Twisted Existence"

Where to start...
A lot has happened in the past couple of years. I've been threw three cars and three houses in three years. 3-3-3 halfway to hell.

Let's start with employment
 1. I quit my job on my 30th birthday a few months ago.
 2. Good riddance.
 3. Still unemployed, but took a road trip to Florida and still doing just fine.

Vehicular CARma
 1. Bought a Toyota Matrix after my nasty breakup a few years ago.
 2. Totaled it two years ago by spinning 180 and rolling 360 into a frozen creek w/o seatbelt.
 3. Bought flat screen TV and got completing out of debt with insurance money.
 4. Spend remaining $900 on Saturn with cracked head for new wheels.
 5. Totaled Saturn last year when it collided with a Kubota on the same road the Toyota was lost.
 6. Bought fully loaded Buick Century with insurance money and loving it!

Housing
 1. Lived with my best friends for one year after seperation.
 2. Moved in with my better half and lived in 100 year old farm house for two years.
 3. Bought 3 bed 1 bath on 7 acres a year ago and couldn't be happier.

Relationships
 1. Met Amy and her two kids, Brandon and Demi.
 2. Three year anniversary May 30th.
 3. Many more anniversaries to come. :-)

That about sums it all up other than the random things in my life, which is most of my life.
All in all, I believe things have been great in my life recently...
Random Notes:
 1. I have the stinless steel kitchen I always wanted.
 2. We own two cars outright.
 3. Our Living room is a Japanese theme.
 4. We think our house is haunted.
 5. Life is good.

Side note for the fellow nerds out there...
I just built a new pc two months ago with BluRay DVD/rw with 3D playback, 2TB HDD, 8G RAM Intel i3 processor.
All in a Shuttle XPC case with HDMI output and 7.1 SS...Burn baby Burn!

 

-stRAnGEr

I remember a time when Christmas meant something more than the amount of money spent on gifts for people you care about. Gone are the days when simply receiving a gift was good enough. Why is we feel the need to reciprocate gifts? Something purchased as an a symbol of friendship and love should not be immediately followed with a customary "I'll get you something as soon as I can..." What the hell? Saint Nicholas would be ashamed. He never once asked for a return on his investment of good will and tidings of joy. Christmas is not a ROTH IRA or a diversified portfolio. Spending money is a neccesity in a capitalistic society, not a way to expand your net worth. Stop making comments that I spend too much or that you weren't expecting a gift and therefore were ill-prepared to give me something back in return. My God, the world has gone insane. I remember waking up to the belief that a joly fat man had left a varitable fortune worth of free merchandise under a plastic tree trimmed with lights of false hope and garland glittering with years of childhood memories built upon a lie. Santa has been replaced with gift cards and statements of "I have the receipt if you don't like it" uttered before the gift has been unwrapped. Stop it! Let me live a lie. I want to believe the world can do something to save itself at least one day a fucking year. Why does it have to be shattered with idealistic comments, diluted beliefs and hand-me-down stories of Christmas Past? I do believe in Santa Clause. He lives in the hearts of the few people willing to share a meal with a stranger or buy the one present a friend wants, but will not let themselves purchase due to other obligations. I bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and etch my arms with the fire and brimstone we are all spiralling towards. My flesh is melted for every disrepesctful comment and ill-gotten thought made by everyone I encounter. When you wake up in the morning, be grateful for the family and friends that call and not for the wrapped symbols of greed and selfpity left beneath your tree. Remember the times when you were young and money meant nothing except that a single dollar was a fortune and your parents' love was wealth unto itself. There will come a day when you find yourself abandoned by everyone and relying on the good will of a stranger to help you through the darkest moments of life. Will you look back on the light you shared with family and friends or withdrawal into the depths of a bottle to make it through? -Robert

The human mind is a very tricky thing. It's like a mime that yells at you for being too close or a British Guard who chases down a purse snatcher...just ain't right. Why is it when you have good intentions something always fucks them up? I keep testing myself to see if it's possible to have female friends and my mind always has to put it's two cents in and try to make it something it isn't. Stupid Brain, I smack you with popsickles. I have also come to realize that I am forgetting people. I had three people come to me at the bar last night who recognized me (despite me losing the 3 foot poney tail I had the last time they saw me), but I couldn't think of their name or where I knew them from. I think me brain is getting broked in old ages. Oh yeah, I now own two laptops and two and a half desktop computers. (I also have one laptop I'm ordering a new screen for and then I wil have three) lol -Robert

I think I have a crush on a gas station attendant. At least I think she has nice tits *evil grin* - I also got hugged twice just going into the gas station...I knew the first woman, but the other is a mystery. This town is full of nuts. Ugh, I need a smoke and another beer, then I will rant. -Robert

My life is an enigma of consolidated trivia about the mundane world of retail sales and trial by fire. I seek to destroy the world that harbors the soul of my being, but by deceiving the persona that I believe in. Alone, I walk with friends that deny me and my very existence. I begin to discover the secrets they bring me, but deny them acknowledgement that they even exist. Death to those around me, including myself...for a man divided is an enemy unto himself. -Robert

Why is it when I drink I get meloncholy and cold, but mostly cold...lol I had forgotten how great it felt to burn. The smell of flesh and hair burning instantly under the heat from the molten metal of my lighter. My arm, but only the left one, is awash with the scars of years of self multilation and torment. I knew with my last gf that I was modifying my behavior when I gave up the act of masochism, but I replaced it with a love of erotic strangulation. Now I am free to be myself again. I have to be careful though, don't want the corporate fatheads to realize their beloved general manager has a dark side when he isn't at work. *evil smirk* -Robert

Shouldn't have touched the metal to the flesh...been years since I have induldged in such activities...college to be exact...fall of '00....the scars had all but faded.... I thought my demons were my friends, but in the end they're out to get me................. I'm coming apart at the seams............. Memories of a life hidden away.... Be normal, be white, be smart, be life affirming, be Christian, Be DAMNED. To Hell with everything they have forced upon me. I am Agnostic by nature and SelfDestructive by choie...Abuse me, Misuse me... Hello world. I smoke, I *smoke*, I drink, I torture myself, I burn my flesh in places not seen by my "general public", awesome or lonesome or someone or noone or fuck off.... The old me is back again, I have been reborn......................................... -stRAnGEr

Have you ever, literally, opened an old wound...? Kinda weird. Flame melted flesh smells weird, or is it the hair going up before the flesh? Don't tell me I'm wrong. Only I know what goes on in my head, after all I'm still crazy. Scar tissue to follow. The trick after a hot metal impact flash burn is to stretch the skin to minimize the scar and maximize the amount of skin that turns deep purple in winter. HAHA. No, I'm serious. Smoke break 2:54AM... Actually didn't get to smoke, went to grab another beer and someone in the other room had a fairly large image of a vagina on the monitor so I took a side trip to help him track down and dispose of the porn. *Twas what he claimed he was doing when I walked into the kitchen so...* lol Swtiched from BudLight to Killians, ewwww Arm slightly warm. Need to update my main profile pic, that long poney tail has been gone for two years now...

I've got another confession to make...and you'd be amazed at the secrets I keep. :-D I'm getting quite antisocial as I age. I keep running into old friends and potential new friends everywhere I go these days, but I just glare at them menacingly and ignore their friendly hellos. I spent an hour in Walmart and ignored three people and two associates. People just seem to get in my way. Reality bites the big one. :-) I'm halfway through the "8 films to Die For" - Nice horror movie collection. Some of them are lacking in plot and overcompensate in random flashes of skin, but the rest are impressive. I am also prequalified for 1 survey! Awesome My mother goes in for surgery on the 1st of October, haven't spoken to her in 6 weeks. My sister is on antidepress meds, no idea where she lives at. My youngest brother still lives at home and spends so much time online that he doesn't know what our parents are up to. My other brother moved to Louisville with his girlfriend some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. My dad still holds onto the belief that the world is perfectly fine and nothing is wrong, if he works all the time then it is. I may catch up with everyone at Thanksgiving if mom doesn't have a mental breakdown and start hallucinating and claim the turkey is the severed head of the guy living in the woods again this year.... My family is a twisted example of modern madness and chaotic dissolution of the social norm. This world will never be what I expected and if I don't belong, who would have guessed it? I have found that I have two options in life. Option 1: Work so much that the world passes me by in a blur and I leave an untainted corpse and a lot of money with no one to bear my burden. Option 2: Perform Option 1, but drag some poor sole along with me under the guise that I love them and want to spend the rest of my morbid existence with them by my side. I prefer to play the part of the wanderer. I have no permanent foundation. I stay with whomever will take me in for the night. My world is mobile. There was a time when I enjoyed life and drank heavily from the cup. I traveled for pleasure once, but now I travel to escape myself. I am enigmatic. A salaried, general manager of a business with years of experience and more money than someone my age should be entitled to, but I give it all away. I give strangers food and hitch-hitchers rides to anywhere they desire. My parents have bankrolled the building of most of their two story home on my credit, but I never speak to them. I put my youngest brother through college at my expense, but he dropped out and stopped speaking to me. I loaned money to friends in need and then stopped talking to them. I am truly insane. When I am working I know what I need to do. I have a system, a structure, a routine, a constant, a planner, an outline, a purpose. When I am off work I am lost...everything I own except 7 days wardrobe and my laptop are in a storage unit and have been for 11 months. It's such a shame what I become, after years of breaking down. I know that I have lost someone, but that someone isn't me... I hold on so nervously to me and my dreams, but so far it hasn't be anything but my imagination. Too many words causes the human brain to shut down so I will shut up....for now. ;) -Robert

Some vacation this is turning out to be. I wasted my entire first day playing Command and Conquer Generals Zero Hour. I guess I am entitled to do so seeing as how much I have been working lately. I think my parents are getting divorced. Most of this has to do with my youngest brother urinating in bottles and leaving them in his room like some twisted agoraphobic shut in. I have been getting a lot of calls from my family concerning the ordeal, which in itself is unusual because my family and I rarely speak. Such is life I suppose. Tomorrow I will get up early and find something constructive to do with my time....maybe.... It's strange to feel lke there is more you could be doing with your life when you are already well above the norm for your age bracket. I feel uncertain about my future and displeased with my present. Management is not all it's cracked up to be. It's time consuming and has little reward. The power I weild seperates me from my own family. Mom is always making comments about how much more than dad I make already, which results in a sad look from my father. It feels like my very existence is an insult to them. To me, however, it is not good enough to be in this position. I still answer to someone higher up the food chain than myself and that goes against everything inside me. I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. I talk to strangers about their problems all day and work and take it upon myself to resolve their issues when I am unable to do so with my own life. I am tired. Not literally, but in the very vague sense of the word. My physical being is exhausted and the mental part of who I am is all but destroyed. Somehow I believe there is more to life than this. More than achievement and recognition. More than power and money and the envy of people that you encounter in your daily routine. Where is the part of my life that makes me who I am? Where is that essence of humanity that determines my net worth? It's all lost, burried beneath the mountains of paperwork in my office. I fear it was accidently stamped "Not OK to Pay" and returned to the accounts payable department to be resubmitted after the missing parts are located. I fear I am destined to end up a hermit. My peers find me too powerful to approach and the people I would like to associate with usually seem to only be interested in a loan. Sigh, whine and such.... -Robert