TRUST
Trust is one of the cornerstones of any successful BDSM relationship. It is the absolute belief that, regardless of what is occurring, you, your emotions, your body, even your very soul, will remain unharmed and well. It allows you to unquestionably place your life into another’s care and control, securely, happily and confidently. It empowers you to achieve some of the greatest life experiences imaginable, and enjoy the calm strength that it provides. It is, quite probably, one the strongest emotions we can possess or give to one another, and as such it is one of the most devastating harms we can endure if it is violated. Trust is born out of the belief in one’s self, and in others. We build it in ourselves by making good, sound decisions, based on the knowledge and system of values we have. We learn to trust ourselves by the ability to make good ones, and to learn and grow from those that are bad. Trust in others is usually based on a strong feeling of connection, generally love and/or respect for another, coupled with a belief in what another has said and done. Trust, like respect, which generally go hand in hand, is an earned commodity, which cannot be demanded or requested. It is vital to remember that one must trust themselves before they do so with another. You cannot give away what you do not have. Trust in the BDSM world is radically different than in any other way of life.
In the vanilla context, trust in another connotes that a person will not do emotional harm, remain faithful, and act in a reasonable and respectable manner in most situations. Should a trust be violated, while painful, it usually only represents a radical change or the end of a relationship. In the lifestyle, trust in another represents a much stronger and deeper commitment, and should a trust be violated here, the results could be devastating beyond any imagination. In the vanilla context, while there is a commitment, there is usually also an “emotional reserve” of some kind, allowing for protection should the relationship fail. In the lifestyle, as the level of exchange and commitment is so much deeper and intense, there is rarely any kind of “reserve” withheld (those involved want to give as much as is humanly possible to the relationship), there is virtually no protection emotionally should a trust be violated. In a larger sense, the BDSM world also involves physical trust as well. Lifestylers are often called upon to participate in sometimes life threatening activities. Vanilla husbands choking their wives are considered abusers, and taken to jail, while Masters enjoying breath play with their submissives are fully trusted to let their partners live. Vanilla husbands pointing a knife at their wives are assaulting them with a deadly weapon, while Masters enjoying a form of edge play are again, fully trusted to let their partners live.
These represent some of the ultimate forms of trusting, which creates one of the greatest gifts that can be exchanged. That being said, the reader can fully understand why a violation of trust in the lifestyle is such a serious and potentially devastating event. The pinnacle of trust is to believe completely and without reservation in another, but arriving at that pinnacle eliminates any protection from harm should it occur. Your entire being is laid open to another. You believe in another because it is the one thing that you want the most, but that belief places you at the greatest risk. Usually, the belief is well placed, and the trust justified. If it is not, then your very world can be shattered to its core. Fortunately, recovery from a misplaced trust is possible with compassion and care for yourself, from yourself, and the understanding that you can learn from those that violate your trust so that it will not happen again. Trust in others is a deeply personal experience, which, when correctly placed, can be one of the most enriching and fulfilling of life experiences. Those receiving such trust must treasure and abide by it with all their heart and abilities.
