Troubleina's blog: "Troubleina"

Have you ever cried so much, it's like looking thru a glass of skim milk? that your eye lids are swollen for days? the salt deposits are on your lashes, thick and clumping together? that is where I am. What i want is within reach, but far enough away i can't have it. Distant, yet near. My heart aches, and it feels like the only one. I feel alone, and unwanted, not desired, unattractive, and not worth any effort at all. I feel like *EVERYONE* in my life wants me to do for them, but not one, is willing to do for me. My heart has been ripped out, and crushed, and i've cried till my eyes are swollen shut. I just want someone to truly love me, not expect me to love them, chase after them, beg them, and it not be returned. I want to really be loved. really, honestly, pure love. I want to know what it is, to be the object of such passion, and desire. I want to know that i am worth the chase, and the effort to do so.

IF YOU WANT TO BE A SLAVE… If you want to be a slave If you want to be enslaved You must show him your inner strength as well as your Unquestioning trust If you wish to be found pleasing to him, you must struggle to Please him and not yourself. If you wish to devote your life to him, you must learn that Your role is not as his peer. If you would consider yourself his, are you prepared to be Slave even when its not easy or fun? If you call yourself slave, will you obey even in fury or Tears? Do you eliminate the “If”s from your vocabulary, and Realize that slavery is not conditional? A slave gives from the heart, she doesn’t consider it a ‘gift’ It’s not all wrapped up in rainbows and pink ribbons, It’s bound in determined sacrifice and decorated with her Tears of pain, effort and bliss. It’s the sheerest, most primitive, raw expression of self she Can give. She gives only what is left, after the pride and defenses Crumble and she is left exposed to his eyes. She gives herself, because she could not imagine not giving To him. She is bound by own need, as strongly than the steel around Her neck You have no right to be respected, to expect love in Return for your slavery You have nothing to expect, except that he will do as he Pleases. You have no right to sensor your slavery, or your thoughts Or deeds Are you ready to be treated as a slave? Are you ready to put someone’s happiness above your own? Do you put aside your own desires and accept that they will Only be fulfilled if he chooses to do so? Are you ready to strive only to please, and to not grow Lazy and ride on past successes? Do you have the ability to lose your selfishness, your sense Of looking after yourself first? Can you leave your pride behind? Consent is given once, when the collar is begged. For a slave there is no limits or conditions on consent Everything is given then, in that one moment, Whan a girl crawls to beg for ownership, Regardless of wether it is denied or not. Consent doesn’t involve negotiating, a power you gave up The moment you felt his ownership You have no power once you surrender all Never give what is most sacred to you if you cannot trust The person with your life. Never forget its not about you anymore. Never lose site that it is a priveledge to be owned. And a huge responsibility to those that own you. Never forget to be grateful if someone does take on you as a Possession. Can you be truly and hopelessly and absolutely owned? Are you woth being owned? Only he knows. And if you impose limits on the Master you claim to beOwned by… You only own yourself… ADREAMFORUANDME

@ fubar copied with permission :)

I liked having hurt, So send the pain below where I need it, You used to beg me to take care of things, And smile at the thought of me failing. But long before, having hurt, I'd send the pain below, I'd send the pain below. Much like suffocating, Much like suffocating, Much like suffocating, (I'd send the pain below...) Much like suffocating, (I'd send the pain below...) You used to run me away, All while laughing. Then cry about that fact, 'til I returned. But long before, having hurt, I'd send the pain below, I'd send the pain below. Much like suffocating, Much like suffocating, Much like suffocating, (I'd send the pain below...) Much like suffocating, (I'd send the pain below...) Much like suffocating. I can't feel my chest, Need more, drop down, Closing in. I can't feel my chest, Drop down. I liked, having hurt. So send the pain below, So send the pain below, (Much like suffocating) [I liked] So send the pain below, (Much like suffocating) [Having hurt] So send the pain below, (Much like suffocating) So send the pain below, (Much like suffocating) So send the pain below.

Unchain my heart Baby let me be 'Cause you don't care Let me Set me free Unchain my heart Baby let me go Unchain my heart 'Cause you don't love me no more Every time I call you on the phone Some one tells me that you're not at home Unchain my heart Set me free Unchain my heart Baby let me be Unchain my heart 'Cause you don't care about me You've got me sowed up like a mellow case But you let my love go to waste Unchain my heart Set me free I'm under your spell Like a woman in a trance baby Oh but you're no doubt aware That I don't stand a chance Unchain my heart Let me me go my way Unchain my heart You are in me night and day Why leave me two a life of misery When you don't care about the beans for me Unchain my heart oh please Set me free Alright I'm under your spell Just like a woman in a trance oh baby But you're no doubt aware That I don't stand a chance Please unchain my heart Let me go my way Unchain my heart You are in my night and day Why leave me to a life of misery When you don't care about the beans for me Unchain my heart Please set me free Oh set me free Oh man why don't you do that for me You don't care Won't you let me go That you don't love me no more Like a woman in a trance let me go I'm under your spell Like a woman in a trance And you're no doubt aware That I don't stand a chance no Oh You don't care Please set me free

they go after others for the attention, and the love, and anything material that they can. they don't care if they hurt anyone, because they don't invest in the matters of the heart. they don't care if a heart is broken, since they really don't feel anything, it doesn't involve them. they don't care about the drama, infact the more drama, the more entertainment. this is a game, about how much they can take, and da playa isn't happy, till they have all of you. Da playa doesn't have a clue, shut my door to you, shut you out. Da playa doesn't have a heart, shut my door to you, shut you out. Da playa has women lined up for him, i'm not one of them. shut my door to you, shut you out. no more. the door is shut.

To try to submit, your very being, your mind, heart and soul to someone is a gift beyond any other. To give that, which we have been taught to hold on to, does not come easy. To find that person, the right fit, the right combination, of devotion, trust, control, dominance, and yet the loving heart, and someone who understands what it is you are giving, the cost of it all. The need, the ache, the pain of not giving. The pain of finding that person, and not yet not be able to truly submit, be it due to distance, family, work,the inability of the other person to take what you offer, or other obstacles is so great, the ache and pain so intense, it is all consuming. At some point, should the dream, the desire, the need be abandoned? give up what I truly want, what I am inside? Knowing that i will never have what i seek, it is killing me inside. It is devouring me from the inside out.

You want me, you don't want me. You pay attention to me, you hang up on me. I am what you want, but I'm not enough. You say the right things, then you shut me out. You hold my heart, yet you rip it to shreds I love you, but it's not enough I beg for you, but it's no enough I cry over you, and you turn your back. I am not a Yo - Yo I am broken hearted I just want to love, and have it be recriprocated.

I am so tired of people telling me what a player I am, people who don't know me, have talked to me one time. Where are you getting your info? no one ever asked me. Who have I played? I am on the verge of deleting this account, because of the psycho biatches who are stalking me, and won't leave me alone, they are all over my page, on fake accounts....saying things, leaving comments, blogging, etc.... I have never once publicly said anything about these people, and I'm sick of them saying things about me, when they haven't even asked me, met me, talked to me etc.... Do not judge, lest thee be judged thyself I am not a pretender. So maybe I picked the wrong person/ people to talk to. I am just trying to be a genuine friend, and I expect the same. The rest of you, can kiss my fat arse. Stop stalking me, and talking about me. Just go away.

I feel alone.... because my husband is trying to isolate me. Every friend I make, he goes behind me, to tell them I am a liar, a fraud, and I'm worthless. I talked to someone, who filled my needs from a distance, and my husband encouraged it to continue, he participated. My husband found someone else, who lived 10 miles away, and cheated, and only stopped when he was caught lying. He then moved on to another relationship, with someone a great distance, until I caught them. My husband will tell most of this. He leaves things out. What he doesn't tell is, that for the better part of 18 months, he has neglected me, refused, YES REFUSED, to give me sex. I have begged, and cried and pleaded, only to be told, "later, in a minute" or something to that effect. I know enough to know that when a married person stops giving the other sex, there is either some sexual dysfunction going on, or he is cheating. He cared enough to go to strip bars during this time, and lie about it. I doubt it was a dysfunction. In the beginning when I first started talking, i thought that we could work things out, and the other person knew this, i told them that my marriage was the most important thing. I still loved my husband very much. Up until our Anniversary, did I think it could be salvaged. Maybe even a little past that, but that general time frame. I love him so very much, but I am no longer able to look past the things he has done and said to hurt me. the degrading names, the physical issues, the mental, and emotional abuse. He picks things he knows bothers me, and hones in on that, and whittles away at me, so inside....there is nothing left. I still wish he could become the man I used to love, and cherish....I just don't think that even if he did, i could stay now. It has become to difficult for me to look at him, and not see what he does to me, the lies that he tells, the way he peels apart my heart & soul, to inflict pain, and how he laughs at me for it. He does all these things, and then laughs at my pain. Even now, he makes fun of me, saying "what are you lying about now" he won't listen to my feelings, i am a joke to him. It was all a joke when I begged him to stay too, instead of leaving me....becuase this is the treatment I get. Even now, as I write this, he stands off to the side, with a look on his face, trying to see what I am saying, scaring me....making me wonder if he's going to hit me, or something else physical. There have been other phsyical issues lately, and he's not always the one to start them, we both hit, we both attack, but i doubt that he is affraid of me. I am afraid that he will seriously hurt me. Over the summer, there were quite a few incidents where he tried to hurt me. Permanently, and now, months later, he looks at me, and tells me that I have made it all up, that nothing happened, and I am crazy. But I know better, and so do the other people on the phone that I called when it was happening, who heard everything. I just want my children to be happy...and all he has told me, is that he will take them from me, because I am psycho, and an unfit mother. That is the main reason i have stayed thru all of this. I don't want too hurt anymore. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to love, and be loved in return. Is that so much to ask? Do I have to be alone forever?

I'm a flirt. I'm a tease. I like sum attention just as much as the next person. It's hard being in a relationship where your significant other doesn't think of you as attractive, desirable, or anything positive. I'm told I'm every degrading name in the book. Told I don't matter. Denied luv and affections. Is it no wonder I wandered elsewhere for sum attention? Now that person, the significant other, is using me like a firehydrant. Following me everywhere I go, Peeing on me like a dog pee's on a fire hydrant. Still doesn't want me, still treats me the same, but won't allow me to talk to anyone else. They talk to anyone, and everyone, chat, webcam, phone.....and yet I am called a whore, cunt or slut if I do so. What makes it different for them, than me? If I talk to someone, they immiedately go behind my back to start shit, so they will no longer want to talk to me. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I have never felt so lonely, without friends, someone to talk to, to share my feelings with. I am not less of a person because I too have feelings, and want to be needed.