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Troubleina's blog: "Troubleina"

created on 06/19/2007  |  http://fubar.com/troubleina/b93318
I feel alone.... because my husband is trying to isolate me. Every friend I make, he goes behind me, to tell them I am a liar, a fraud, and I'm worthless. I talked to someone, who filled my needs from a distance, and my husband encouraged it to continue, he participated. My husband found someone else, who lived 10 miles away, and cheated, and only stopped when he was caught lying. He then moved on to another relationship, with someone a great distance, until I caught them. My husband will tell most of this. He leaves things out. What he doesn't tell is, that for the better part of 18 months, he has neglected me, refused, YES REFUSED, to give me sex. I have begged, and cried and pleaded, only to be told, "later, in a minute" or something to that effect. I know enough to know that when a married person stops giving the other sex, there is either some sexual dysfunction going on, or he is cheating. He cared enough to go to strip bars during this time, and lie about it. I doubt it was a dysfunction. In the beginning when I first started talking, i thought that we could work things out, and the other person knew this, i told them that my marriage was the most important thing. I still loved my husband very much. Up until our Anniversary, did I think it could be salvaged. Maybe even a little past that, but that general time frame. I love him so very much, but I am no longer able to look past the things he has done and said to hurt me. the degrading names, the physical issues, the mental, and emotional abuse. He picks things he knows bothers me, and hones in on that, and whittles away at me, so inside....there is nothing left. I still wish he could become the man I used to love, and cherish....I just don't think that even if he did, i could stay now. It has become to difficult for me to look at him, and not see what he does to me, the lies that he tells, the way he peels apart my heart & soul, to inflict pain, and how he laughs at me for it. He does all these things, and then laughs at my pain. Even now, he makes fun of me, saying "what are you lying about now" he won't listen to my feelings, i am a joke to him. It was all a joke when I begged him to stay too, instead of leaving me....becuase this is the treatment I get. Even now, as I write this, he stands off to the side, with a look on his face, trying to see what I am saying, scaring me....making me wonder if he's going to hit me, or something else physical. There have been other phsyical issues lately, and he's not always the one to start them, we both hit, we both attack, but i doubt that he is affraid of me. I am afraid that he will seriously hurt me. Over the summer, there were quite a few incidents where he tried to hurt me. Permanently, and now, months later, he looks at me, and tells me that I have made it all up, that nothing happened, and I am crazy. But I know better, and so do the other people on the phone that I called when it was happening, who heard everything. I just want my children to be happy...and all he has told me, is that he will take them from me, because I am psycho, and an unfit mother. That is the main reason i have stayed thru all of this. I don't want too hurt anymore. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to love, and be loved in return. Is that so much to ask? Do I have to be alone forever?
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