Not that most days aren't, but well this one was kind of weirdish special. I went to dinner with my aunt, and for the first time in a week sat down with my grandma. We are the three generations left of the name Amelia. We were talking about my grandma's mom Amelia, how she used to play the piano, and sing to us great grand kids. My favorite song was "De Colores", meaning all the colors. We would have this rainbow parachute, and dance in a circle while we sang with her. It's crazy how time passes by. I almost forgot about all that.
Earlier today I was in the Wal Mart with my aunt, and my cousin. We were looking at dresses in black, because we knew my cousin Olivia was about to die any day now. She had fell into a coma late yesterday afternoon. Now this is my grandma's neice. So she is pretty up there in her age. She was 78, or so. Wonderful person. I am glad I got to know her when I did. Not many of my cousins around my age are close with other in our family, or even know about them. It's sad how everyone just kind of forgets about one another. The younger generation in my family tend to forget about all the other one's. I don't I love being around all my older aunts. Most of them are in there early 50's to late 70's. I know I have cousins who are like 85 unreal right? Haha! It's fun to be around them though. My great aunt eva is 75 that is on my dads side. Then my favorite great aunt is my great aunt Francise ohh she is just the best poker player in the world!
So we get home like at 8:30pm, and we went to go get the car from my mother, and my sister. My grandmother was having a mad fit about it for weeks, so we went to get it. We came back home, and my cousin Robert calls me on my cell, and tells me that my cousin has passed on. It was weird how we were shopping for dresses, and she just like passed away I guess this after noon, according to my cousin Robert anyway.
I really just like I don't know how to feel right now. I am sad, but at the same time, what's the difference. Here I have this big huge family, and we barely even have a connection with one another. I mean ok I feel so alone, even though I have family here in AZ, and all over the world pretty much. The immediate family consists of 250 people, the whole sha bang is like almost 600. We counted heads again just this past year when we got together at a funeral. It's sad we only come together when someone dies in the family.
There is so much to be said. I feel at a complete hault with my emotions. So much is happening, I feel helpless, confused, and all very much so closed off by things like this. Am I a bitch for not wanting to get to close to people? Or is it just me being a drama queen?
All I know is I am sick of people thinking they know me. Trying to call me out like I am decieving them, when all along if they were to take a look in the mirror, they would find they are decieving themselves. I have noticed alot of so called friends on here think they know me. NONE of you fully know me. Very few of you even have a fucken clue, those two people who do, who are close to me. They respect the fact that I don't feel like sharing myself. Growing up I have always kept an arms length with people, and I will continue to. I have a big heart, but cross me, and your done! I am very loyal, and will be what you need me to be for you. I am a damned good friend, and the fact that any of you fucken betray me is just ridiculous!
I am a person with feelings to. I may not show them all the time, but I cry just as much as you do. I hurt just like you. I am not different from anyone else on this site. I do consider myself a leader I don't follow lowly people who want to hurt someone cos they think it's ok to. I do have morals that I live by, but I will admit to slipping up just like everyone else. I am gonna say this. Talk about me all you want cos I could care less about what others think of me. You who do talk about me only look like an ass in the end.
My point is in all of this. I have noticed who I am, and who I am becoming. My family has taught me alot. I am glad of where I come from. It's weird cos I never fully wanted to be here cos of all the problems. Well everyone has problems, mine just kind of happen everyday. It's actually kind of cool, cos then I have memories of all when things happen. Even if they are not good ones all the time. It maybe a soap opera, but thats all I have left. I am not close to them. I have my boundaries, and I am learning to let them go, but at the same time embrace my family. I am reclusive to all who have hurt me. My family being one of them. Friends even more so. So if that is why you think I am decieving, or hiding something well I have done it my whole life. I don't get to close, or let you in. Been hurt to many times it's my safety net. Believe, and think what you will, but I know who I am, and that is all that matters in the end.~NFA
