I had a problem on friday night, my filling came out, and I have no dental insurance.
One of my godmothers called me, and said do not worry I already made you an appointment, and I am paying for everything. Thank goddess all I had was to replace the filling.
On another note I barely got any sleep, and I still have not been eating as much as I should be. I had a cup of coffee, and a cookie. That is all I have had since friday.
I am really not wanting to see anyone, not even my own grandmother, I have not been going over there. I am really upset, and just really hurting, I did it again where no one can see. I am really tired of all this, being unhappy stuff.
It's like I am back at square one. I guess letting go of things is alot harder than I had expected. I just hope everyone is happy, or at least someone is happy. I just wish the person I wanted, actually wanted me back, but this life is not full of wants, it's only based on needs. Maybe I need to be alone, I work better by myself. There is alot less worrying about another person, and alot less spending of money I don't even have.
I have all my candles lit. I am listening to Annie Lennox. I am really tired,and I wish I had someone here to just cuddle next to, and fall asleep in their arms, but my body pillow will have to do. At least it can absorb these tears that keep falling from my eye's. I guess its some form of comfort right?
Whatever happend to me having this I don't care atittude that I am alone?
That I don't need anybody.
I never had to need someone, and finally it comes out in the end I do.
I just don't get it anymore.
So I have done it, I am not going through with anymore medical stuff. I am just gonna enjoy what I have left. It may not be much, but it is my own life. I am not happy, nor am I content with things, I just would rather live a life of somewhat quality, rather than trying to save it by being picked, and prodded at. I know my decisions have consequences, that I will never be growing old with someone, or having kids, and having my dream of just having a family. Even now I know that I can never have a relationship with anyone, cos it is not fair to them. It is not worth developing anything with me. Just friends, nothing more, nothing less. It is just what it is now.
I just want things to hurry up, and pass me by... I don't want to be here anymore.
~nfa
