I came out of my shell for others, and in the end all I am left is with heartbreak.
Yeah the ex's want me, and old best friends are still wanting back in my life.
I don't need anymore heartache. If you cared about me, if you thought I was worth fighting for, then why is it you were the one's to walk away.
People make choices in their lives, if they wanted you so badly they would show up at your door, and show you that they care, and not walk away.
I am sick of being last to matter, why can't people think before they act?
If I could go back, I would do everything as is, even knowing the torment I would only be bringing to myself. I really do blame myself. It's like I have some sort of defect, this past year has turned me into a different person. I am so emotional, not the good kind of emotional. I think crying is the worst thing ever that, and not being able to breathe kind of venting. I don't like being upset. I hate taking pills for fucken anxiety, wtf is that about, I was fine without them not to long ago, and here I am turning into some emo fuckwad! This is not me at all. I remember the me that used to kick ass, and not give a fuck about anyone.
I think I need to find that person again, she is in there somewhere. I will tell you this, my belief system has changed, all I have left is my spirituality, and my newly found morals. The one thing that has not changed is my loyalty side. I don't like unloyal people, there is just no use for them in my world. Why should I be devoted when in the end you would not do the same for me, even as a friend? Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you. It's called respect, communicating, and most of all trust!
I know what I want in a person as far as a relationship, and I know who I want that person to be. Although, I may never have that chance, it is ok. They were the best weeks in my life, being in London was amazing!And I got to spend it with the best company of all, even though things may have gone arye, I still hold you special in my heart.
Over the past few weeks I have contemplated what life would be like if I were just to let it all go. I mean like all the stress, and not do anything anymore. No more meds, and no more injections. No more surgeries, or no more doctors. I have had so many thing happen, and then there may never be that chance to have what I really want happen. So like I said in previous posts in my other journals, I am just gonna go with the flow. I am done with everyone needing me,I need someone to be there for me, not cos they feel they have to, but because they want to. I deserve better than this, I am worthy of what I want, and just cos you think I don't because I am sick Irina, you are wrong. I am still here, and still very much alive. I give up on love, and give into what I have now. The here, and now. All the small things that matter in life is what I hold special. Screw everything else. Well I have nothing left to say, but goodbye to those of you who are cruel, and troublesome creatures, and thank you to the ones that put a smile on my face, just because you have become part of my journey.
~nfa
