Excuse grammatical errors and such nonesense for im not in the right state of mind at the moment.......
Life is like a box of chocolates .....you never know what your gonna get.....at least that is the old saying....but when your mind travels in a thousand different directions and your constantly going through points of dejavu...........well......to those that know me you know that story as well.....
I have alot of thanks for making myself come to nevada, and at the same time i have alot of regrets as well.. more so thanks than regrets but the regrets still outweigh heavily on my mind. there are some things right now that are on my mind that are making me so depressed that i dont want to eat or sleep....but thank goodness i have my dad whos been making me eat and my body telling me fuck you your sleeping rather you like it or not.......
i feel like a walking contradiction.....people say that im mean, then i am sweet, i am strong but i am weak......i feel lonely but im not, people say somethings wrong, but there are others who think i am so bubbly and happy.........why am i this contradiction that so many of you are botraying me as.....
i can tell you why and it probably starts with my first life in clan..........see i was not a mute....i realize this now.........i could talk, i just refused too.....i refused to because i didnt wish to let anyone know how i was feeling because i was suppost to be one of the strongholds....im suppost to be one of the ones protection everyone from everyone else...and the ones who are strongholds, do not need a stronghold for themselves, they are suppost to be able to deal with every situation life or mother nature decides to throw at them for amusement. and yet, with each lifetime, i seem to fucking pop up no matter how many fucking people ive helped, no matter how many god damned strage situations ive survived, no matter how many times ive had my heart ripped out....i keep reappearing.........and why i think ive figured out......but we shall see if i pop up again.........
The reason why i keep starting over is because of my inability to coop.... I bottle it up and bottle it up till the bottle overflows then i become a raging fucking loony toon........which is why everyone says i have the temper problem that i do. the reason why i didnt talk at the camp even though i had so many there secretly hurting me is because i thought i was meant to save the others not myself.....and i was wrong in that analogy, for if i cannot save myself, how the fuck am i able to save others.....
Yes i am very strong......ive prooven that to others........but at the same time, i have weaknesses, im allowed to be weak, and until tonight i wasnt grasping that fact.......god how could i have been so stupid, and it was my stupidity that probabaly lead me into the stupid situations that i put myself into without realizing it and getting hurt all the damn time.......even protectors at times need protecting........even the strong need someone stronger.........the weak prey on the weak..........its not a matter of the strong will survive......everyone needs each other to survive period....not one person or object is a strong hold for society.........not even the gods.....why did it take me so long to sift this through my mind if any of this is making any sense to anyone............ive cried.......ive bled, im allowed to be weak once and a while, and as much as that fucking sucks its true...........you know everyone.......there was one time i was weak, one time i needed help.....one time i called upon family to help me......and you know what most of you fucking said.....it wasnt your god damn problem.........and some of you ive had to help in one way form or fashion rather it was fighting for you, helping you monitarily or just giving you a god damn ride somewhere, rather i liked some of you or not, and people can attest that i have helped people i hated for one reason and one reason only....because they were family, and unfortunately blood is thicker than water, and most have forgotten that fact........and it kills me........most of you are going to continue to repeat your existances throughout time because you will never be able to grasp that fact through your minds....and you know what....for some reason that actually saddens me because you will never be able to find peace. rather i hate you or not it really is sad.....but you know what, i may be wrong as well, that may be the wrong answer and i may repeat my life again till i get it right.....but im pretty sure that is one of the things wrong with me.......but for right now if i need to talk....at least i have someone here that will actually listen to me......and not someone who will listen to see what they can get out of me later. I am Lora Alexandra Havic............I may be a strong hold, i may be a guardian........i may still have some in need of me....but for right now.......im still searching for my saving grace, and until i find it, until i am able to save myself, i am unable to save others.....iam sorry i let some of you down, but i can not help someone if i am unable to help myself.........time for me to dissappear for now....if you have any questions on my sanity feel free to ask....
