KillSwitch77's blog: "thoughts"

IM just fuckin tired now. I need a serious lower back fusion from skatin when i was youngert and my days down shovelin coal at the lakefront. i have a inch of height my vertabrea sticks out like 2 inches farther than all the rest. it always feels like i have a screwdriver in my back and im tired. i sleep for days because wasted movement means more pain and i am losing my will to even get up anymore. i am not a quitter so i am against suicide but im losing this battle its 30 mg perks 3 times dayly and im still in some numbed sense of pain it has changed my p[ersonality i find myself nodding and affirming people conversing with me wiht out actually hearing what they are saying. because i am trapped in my pain. i dont have insurance atm and i am fucked. i have always be;lieved when one door closes another opens up but i am starting to lose face here. my attitude for life is deteriorating rapidly and I am treading water right now. just thoughts so any of my friends dont get worried keith would never hurt himself intentionally id rather look my enemies in the eye than do harm to myself. im just tired i cried to my mother today which i have only done twice in my 31 years of life besides bs when i was little. im vunerable and this is not comforting to me. i have always been a stand up guy who is self reliant and now im reduced to asking for help from people i would never want to see me like this cause it would hurt to see me that way for them.

i sleep for days and days, frightful dreams just arent so frightful anymore, i see everyone ive left behind, beckoning me to join them in limbo. ive dreamt of ways and ways, pitiful claminess of awaiting atrophy sores, i realize now life has no rewind, cant leave but in the end we all go. take from me, wait for me, laugh at me, wink at me, smile for me, lie for me, kill for me, dont do for me. sinking or floating, laughing or gloating, rising or falling, crying or balling, what does it matter? isnt this just one of my dreams?

well first off let me say Fubar fuckin rocks. I apprciate all the feedback and support ive been shown on this site. Now to business, I have grown into the man i am through many hardships and alot of good experiences also. My friends have come and gone and the ones that are still very much a part of my life I have bled for and they have done the same for me. my father is a huge influence on my life as is my mother. I am a deep thinker id like to think, and saying that I am still coming to grips with who I am truly am. I am a few characters all wrapped into one vessel. the people who know me the best have seen them all. I have a niece and 2 nephews and they have given me a fresh outlook on life probably when i needed it the most. you know they say god only gives you what u can handle well I do believe that in certain ways. I am firm believer in the syaing "when one door closes another will open up". I have rolled with so many punches just basing my karma on that alone. and so far it has been true. The last job I held was repairing and refurbishing hydroelectric turbines, but i have done everything from roofing and cooking to high end office and tech shit. truth be told im not where i want to be right now in life but then again i couldnt really tell you what would be ideal for me right now. like i said earlier i have been doing alot of soul searching as of late. Anyway to all the ladies on fubar you are all beautiful to me in one way or another I have not confined myself to one ideal of a perfect woman considering the amounts of facets each person contains. I have loved 3 women my entire life and to some that is 3 more than some people will ever find. I am currently not in love or even dating for that matter. I seriously would like to but sometimes it feels as if i was designed to be a lone wolf. It is not that i am unfaithful or disloyal it is just that i am a pacifist when it comes to jealousy or arguing over what should be a skillful exchange of communication and giving. You can never own someone and in return I seriously believe you can never truly know everything about someone. Isnt it when we run out of things to say and ask that a relationship stagnates? sure the beginnings are always supernova and then they cool off and we are left with a orbiting satelite relaying back and forth little bits of information about each other. If we listen close enough and show geniune interest then things will grow, when communication degrades so does the temple two people build for each other. anyways, back to the main subject, me..... I drum at home(i will add photos of the set) this eats up some free time of mine. I play games online or alot of single player strategy games. I have a myspace and a fubar profile, amongst others but these two are my favorites. well thats enough for this blog i guess i welcome any feedback or comments. flame it if you want I really dont mind "any publicity is good publicity". stay real and be yourselves.