Thoughts for the day — Sunday, July 01, 2007
I crave what I don't have, but I fear what I'm unfamiliar with, wich is often what I don't have. So I guess I sometimes fear what I crave, and crave what I fear?
So a maybe it has come to be that I am moslty hooked on the anxiety that comes with or from getting what I want, more than the actual things I want. Maybe I enjoy the feeling of wanting and getting more than the feeling that comes with having?
Well, no. I am actually pretty happy with a lot of the things I have. Many of those things seem to have just kinda came about. Many of the things I try for and get, I appreciate less than the things that happen to come durring the proccess of trying to get things, or just seem to come out of nowhere. That's sometimes nice, but not too encouraging. I think it leads me to not try so hard, and wait for things to come out of nowhere. That doesn't make a lot of sense does it? I don't know.
The more I read about narcissists the more I begin to think I am one. Well except for the lack of empathy part. I think I have too much of it. That, and narcassists are often fake, and I'm mostly genuine, so much that's it's hard to hide how I actually feel even if I try.
Narcissists crave attention, something I both fear but sometimes enjoy if it's not direct and in person. I get my " fix " through the internet. If I really got all the attention I get on the internet in person, I would probably freeze, and shutter, and possibly die of a panick attack. My heart usually races thinking about leaving my house, or even sometimes my room. Narcisists are inlove with their reflecions.- What they see themselves to be rather than how/what they really are. I think I'm awesome, but know I'm not quite as awesome as I think I am. ( I also don't like arrogance, so I don't think I'm too awesome because I think I am awesome. ) I'm reminded of this all the time because of school. If I really was that awesome, school wouldn't really be that hard.I would have straight A's with minimall effort. As it is, I don't even with lots of effort. I do somewhat see other people as pawns, but not merely pawns. They are people too, with their own feelings and lives and agendas, which I do genuinly care about. I have almost always have had Preoccupations with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty. It appears in my day dreams, and now often in my nightdreams. I sorta have a sense of entitlement, Don't people know who I am? LOL. I don't like excess admiration though, it makes me feel uncomforatable. I also seem to have a need to control things, or people sometimes. Or maybe even feel an obligation. This comes from narcissistic-like beliefe that the people around me are incompatent, or idiots. So I should controll them for their own good, as well as mine. It came from being in the army for almost five years though. I'm not saying that makes it right, but that's my excuse. I haven't always thought I was surrounded by idiots. But for a while, it did seem like I was. It was controll other people, or let the idiots control me. Make sure things got done right, or sit back and watch things go to hell. ( Witch can be fun sometimes, because then you get something to complain about, and throw in their face later. ) I did a lot of things, made things easier for other people, and sometimes they treated me decently. ( being not treated like shit, is special treatment in the army, or atleast where I was. ) Eventually this lead to a sense of entitlement. " You can't treat ME like this, don't you know who I am?! " I actually thought all people were entitled to be treated decently. New people who came across me wondered why I thought I was special enough to be able to do things like eat during the hrs the chowhall was open. ( money was deducted from my check wether I ate there or not ) I didn't think I was special, I thought everyone deserved to be able to have a few minutes to eat. Even the non-meal card holders should be able to have a few minutes to go to thte chowhall and get some food. ( The people who didn't live in the barracks were insulted at the thought of eating in the chowhall. They were too godd to eat at the chowhall, and we weren't " good " enough to eat there when it was open sometimes.. ) I try to have a high regaurd for life, and the world around me in general. Sometimes events and certain people make that rather difficult though. Sometimes I think " I really want to have a high regaurd for ths person, or oganization, but the more I learn about them, the harder that is. "
Sometimes I read the stories about the narcissists, and side with the said narcissists If you really are surrounded by idiots, are you really a narcicisst by thinking that? The other person is alwyas complaining about how the narcissist treats them like they are stupid, and their emotions don't matter because they shouldn't feel that way. Well, maybey they really are stupid!!!! and maybe fucking crazy too!!!! I have a Happy Bonny poster that says " I'll be nicer when you are smarter. "
Ok, I think that this is allready long enough that not many people will read it. I'm done rambling y thoughts off. Hope ya'll had a nice weekend..
