lovendragon's blog: "the struggle for love"

In the city called fort Saskatchewan I had famiy. I stayed with them untill I could get a job. I moved in with my auntie and my cousin who at the time was 14 years young. I gave her my focus, and my protection. She began to explore the world and I did my best to keep her on a good path. She began to try drugs and I just made sure she didn't get hurt. She introduced me to drugs of all kinds. I refused to partake. She rebelled aginst her mother and i and robbed me many times. She hurt me a great deal. I soon became violent toward people who were a threat. I would not bend I would break. I knew every criminal in fort Saskatchewan. I began to hate. I met people who could kill people. i met drug dealers. I had them on my side. I don't know how. But through the years I have gained much confidence and a presence of menace. If i feel threatened I seem to grow. I now know that they feared me. i used it to my advantage to protect my cousin from herself. She began to hate me and she began to die before my eyes. I despaired. i knew not what to do and afte 3 years i had had no success except to gain allies i didn't really want. And then I met Jamie. The handsomest man i have ever met. He was a good lover and a good friend. I met him on the grapevine edmonton. We met we cliked and we fit. He gave me a rock to hold on to and I fealt better for him just existing. 3 months go by and my cousin is 80 pounds covered in sores and the creepy guy next door is watching me. He watches me as I walk to work and then home. Jamie gets promoted and dissapeares. I despair and then I get angry. I tell my aunt what is happening and succeed in showing my cousin her behaviour is unacceptable. I leave her to her own devices and to her mother. She tries to kill me as does her boyfriend. The man who got her into meth. They do not succeed and I narowly avoid assult charges. He was high i was not. I win. i meet Paul who seemed to need me and we lasted 2 years involving him being needy but (were not going out) From his lips to everyones ear. He had a big dick and so I tolerated him only for that. He cheats on me and i find out frome someones else. He gets the girl pregnant. His third child. He does not tell me for some time. I catch him acting differently and corner him into telling me what's going on. He tells all and I decide to forgive him because i became attached to him through habit. He marries her and does not tell me. I dump him and am tremped to beat him to death. He tries to get me back because she realizes the level of stupidity he possesses. No rehab for stupidity. He still tries to manipulate me today 2 years late. My aunt and i fall out. I move away from her home and move for the 8th time. in and out of my aunts house due to stress. It had happened often. i go through jobs and cannot keep them because I cannot tolerate any abuse. I vowed to myself I would never allow anyone to abuse me. To much old pain. I lost all my life in Fort Saskatchewan. All my belongings. A allowed a new man to seduce me and he succeeded very well. He kicked me out of his home and I came back to my home town. He has all i possess and i cannot go back. I am now more distant and know that if i am not carefull I will be taken agian. I can forgive and I can trust But I cannot allow full enterance into my heart. I now wait for a man to fully earn it. I am lonley and I sometime despair but I know that my mate is out there somewhere. Through it all i did learn who i am and who I want to be. I am now a truck driver and I love the freedome of my life. I am still not whole for that will never be granted to me and i know not how to earn it. God help me.

His name was Dan. he was tall and handsome and...Older. He was dark and mysterious and he acted like a gentleman. He drove truck and showed me the ways of driving. He loved it when i came home smelling like fried chicken and freshly baked bread. He lost at darts horribly on our first date. I kicked him butt and at pool he kicked mine. we talked and laughed and i gave him my youth. My virginity. He held me tight and i gave him everything. We stayed together for one year. And then he dissapeared. He claimed he was in jail. For 3 weeks and I believed him. He showed me more of himself. I forgave him and tried to be understanding. He showed me my first view of drugs. Pot... I fogave that too. He decided he wanted to move to Manitoba. I decided I would go with him. He went ahead and got us a place. I followed 1 month later. I brought with me my whole life. My most valuable belongings. My heart and soul. 3 months of happiness pass for me... not for him. Christmas came and I missed my family. I went home. 24 hours on a greyhound buss. i made it home and he was to follow and meet my parents. Instead he flead. He dissapeared. He broke my heart. I found him and had him ship back all my stuff. I had one last burn. All the utilities were in my name. Power, water, cable, statellite, and gas. Huge debt followed. I didn't want so much pain. I opened myself to him and he took advantage. I had to deal with the pain the only way I could. I turned myself off. i fealt nothing. I was a husk. I refused to speak for i knew i would be cruel to all. My family suggested a phycyatrist and I refused. I was turned off by choice untill i could be alone to digest my feelings. They didn't understand. Sorrow. I claimed bankruptcy and moved again. By the new year I was in the city. I could start all over with people who had never heard of me. For two weeks I weapt and raged. And then I started over. I was calm. I was me again. No whole for that i may never be. But better. Certainly better

To be shunned. To be ignored and harrased all at once. To feel there is no hope for the future. The desire for death. The lonliness the sorrow. This was me from grade 4 - grade 11. We never know the damage we do untill it's done and we have regrets. My transgression was to allow it to happen. I didn't know better as I do now. Children can be very cruel. I stayed hidden and have blocked as many memories as possible. I know I was afraid and didn't know how to stop being so. And then I managed to find a way to become emotionally dead. It didn't matter anymore. i walked out of classes because the teachers couldn't do anything. This was a time before Columbine. Before bullying laws. Before I would have had rights. I was told that if i ignored it it would go away. So I was told. Totally useless endevor. I decided to hide when I was In grede 6. Went for walks on the school trails. Country school, cross country shiing trails. This was my way to find some semblence of peace. The green trees and lush foilage. I loved it. And then they found me. I remember leaning heavily upon a tree and it shook because it wasn't a huge tree. The leave shook among the upper limbs and i looked into the sky in peace. Then they came. Droves and droves of my enemies. My tourturers. And so I flead to the trees. The yells were so loud and so lurid. Unyeilding. I was afraid. The next day all became worse. Worse than I ever thought it could. Tree branch penises came out. Created by the other children. They would chase me down with them and leave them at my desk, the claim... I was charged with fucking trees. A horrible thing to me. They destroyed my peace. My small shred of sanity. I tried to die. A few brave girls tried to comfort me because they fealt guilt. I had so little hope left. So I moved to a new school with some small renewed hope. But alas it was not to be. The rumors had spread through the county. They chased me. I decided that because of all the emotional sabotage I had sustained I would not allow myself to risk my self again. They could not get to me and I would not go to them. I rejected the thought of friends of compainionship of love of dating. But those who had good hearts preservered. they taught me that not all people are bad. Hope retured. Slowly but surely. And I earned a friend. And he earned me. I feared him and i suppose i still do. You can find him in my friends list. Ashley one lash. He saved me in a way. He helped me round out my rough edges. I graduated. he was my date. He was my make up artist and hair stylist. He was my rock. After Graduation I got a job and began my life. I met a man. He said I was beautifull and smelled good. He tried to challenge me to a dart game....