Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don't like it but because it is >really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to >just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so >it's time we broke it down. Like this.>The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best >sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road >signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial >wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of >confusion streaming down your face.>Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "Although I am about to >rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here's a little treat >session to show you how I really feel." Instead of a screamed "OH MY GOD!!" >like her baby has>been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus >elicits a more splendiferous "ohmygodohmygodohmygod." Kind of like being >massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange >(that's French for "eat," you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays >or a "Calgon, take me away" ad.>Break it down!>>Be Down>Don't go down unless you're down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be >done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the dry >heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be >forgiven.>>Don't Say High to Dry>A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back >to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip >your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the >labia and a>little fingerial coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey dripping.>Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes >with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushing into this, so make >sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.>Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can >share like a 1950's milkshake with two straws.>Important: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all >the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the >tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman's pleasure is >about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.>>Submarine Mission for You, Baby>Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of there >and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of>grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you're going away on a >vacation.>Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your >head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It >gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping >for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.>Stat by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. >Don't get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That's something you >should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it's >all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is >good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in >a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, >then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a>few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time >in the long run.>When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird >crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long there or she might start to >think that you think that's the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for >you to make your move. If you're doing it right, she'll be moaning and >trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until >she looks like she's been holding her breath for three days.>Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first >lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second >thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker >smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin' crawdaddies.>Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more >explaining you should>probably just stick to jerking off.>>Parting the Red Seas>Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity >Creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to identify all >the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick >is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you >like a great big buffet.>>The Grand Entrance>Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows >you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up >her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. >Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it >really slow, like four seconds per lick).>This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real >sensitive, she'll probably>convulse as you pass over it and that means you're in for an easy ride. If >there's no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of >those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a thirty-minute session >of tongue tendonitis.>>Rock the Boat>Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If >you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. >Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and >show the little bastard who's boss.>After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. >He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can >pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the >seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. >When you push down on the area, he's the only one that>can't be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for >reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your >attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard >time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks >across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.>Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your >entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the >boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body >and his boat.>>Identifying the Clit Type>After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are >essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and >ones that don't. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you >should dump her right>away.>Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that >doesn't really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft >at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the >end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do >the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and >"Oh my God" means bring it on.>>Clits That Need a Serious Going-over>These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is >the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him >from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he's >on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your >mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. >He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit>and he has no idea of what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyways. >After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like >a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too >much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. >The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much >sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some >tongue fucking.>As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the >suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most >effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few >side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. >Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the >time to start changing tactics.>Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a>chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac >Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may >throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, >which is bad for morale.>Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't >over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's >multiorgasmic, you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole >routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just >keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.>>Clits That Don't>Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the >boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. >Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you're getting bored try >going in some different directions for>a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of >the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an >hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and >she doesn't cum, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much >work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something >few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some >payback when period week comes around.>>The Conclusion>Once you're done (totally finished), she's going to want you out of there >pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out >your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure >you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let >it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up >and wipe>your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on >and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the >cockpit of an F-15.>>EXTRA BONUS TRACKS>>Getting Fired>If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you've >just been sacked. She'll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the >truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look >at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the >problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you're really lame, >you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of >the old >"slow-down-you're-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that's-perfect" can >turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.>>The Power Lunch>Nothing keeps you in>the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the >middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it's a great way for >all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her >neglected clitoris that he's a somebody. If after a few seconds she still >isn't into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn't resist. >Give it up and get back to the boff.>Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep >your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the >whole.>>The Bottom>Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want >something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind >you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. >Incidentally, if you're trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, >try>eking it in during orgasm. If it doesn't wreck everything you could have a >Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.>Hole: We're not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section >because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and >should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.>Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred >thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a >slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.>>The Double Whammy>Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put >in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her >mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.>>Being Knackered>Tongue exhaustion is the number-one>cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we >said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a >rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with >your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another >solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your >mouth a rest.
