To be shunned. To be ignored and harrased all at once. To feel there is no hope for the future. The desire for death. The lonliness the sorrow.
This was me from grade 4 - grade 11.
We never know the damage we do untill it's done and we have regrets. My transgression was to allow it to happen. I didn't know better as I do now.
Children can be very cruel.
I stayed hidden and have blocked as many memories as possible. I know I was afraid and didn't know how to stop being so. And then I managed to find a way to become emotionally dead. It didn't matter anymore. i walked out of classes because the teachers couldn't do anything. This was a time before Columbine.
Before bullying laws.
Before I would have had rights.
I was told that if i ignored it it would go away.
So I was told. Totally useless endevor.
I decided to hide when I was In grede 6. Went for walks on the school trails. Country school, cross country shiing trails. This was my way to find some semblence of peace. The green trees and lush foilage. I loved it.
And then they found me.
I remember leaning heavily upon a tree and it shook because it wasn't a huge tree. The leave shook among the upper limbs and i looked into the sky in peace.
Then they came.
Droves and droves of my enemies.
My tourturers.
And so I flead to the trees. The yells were so loud and so lurid. Unyeilding.
I was afraid.
The next day all became worse. Worse than I ever thought it could.
Tree branch penises came out. Created by the other children. They would chase me down with them and leave them at my desk, the claim...
I was charged with fucking trees.
A horrible thing to me. They destroyed my peace. My small shred of sanity.
I tried to die. A few brave girls tried to comfort me because they fealt guilt. I had so little hope left.
So I moved to a new school with some small renewed hope. But alas it was not to be.
The rumors had spread through the county.
They chased me.
I decided that because of all the emotional sabotage I had sustained I would not allow myself to risk my self again. They could not get to me and I would not go to them. I rejected the thought of friends of compainionship of love of dating.
But those who had good hearts preservered. they taught me that not all people are bad.
Hope retured.
Slowly but surely. And I earned a friend. And he earned me. I feared him and i suppose i still do. You can find him in my friends list.
Ashley one lash.
He saved me in a way. He helped me round out my rough edges. I graduated. he was my date. He was my make up artist and hair stylist. He was my rock.
After Graduation I got a job and began my life. I met a man. He said I was beautifull and smelled good. He tried to challenge me to a dart game....
