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Jewels Eyes's blog: "introductions"

created on 12/07/2010  |  http://fubar.com/introductions/b338161

the pointless life....

What is the point of life?  Especially if you are a woman who has had a colorful past?  I mean think about it.  It doesn't matter how a girl looks, if she has had a bad life, she has had a bad life.  There doesn't seem to be a way out of it.  It's like this deep dark hole that is swallowing me.  Every time I take a step forward, I am forced to take 3 steps back and 1 step over.  Why can't life ever be simple?  Even for one day? 

I hate this time of year.  All the snow, the ice, it's beautiful.  I love the cold even though I complain about it.  But the days are too short and the nights are too long.  The nightmares get worse and the fear of the light becomes even more heavy on me.  The slightest bump in the night will make me reach for my hunting knife.  How many times have I almost sliced my family members because they startled me?  I don't even know.  I don't mean to be a paranoid freak.... but I will never let another man touch me like that again.

What is the point of having legs that look like a super models?  what is the point of being told constantly how beautiful I am?  What's the point?  I hate my life.  CMS ruined it for me.  I had 3 jobs, I was working like a maniac, and still had to make time to drive 160 miles every day round-trip to visit him.  I was barely making it.... and then he came along.  He made me buy his cigarrettes (I will never do that for a man again), he made me pay his rent, he made me buy him a gaddamned leather coat.  Fucking ass-hole.  I could have purchased enough feed to keep all my horses that winter if it hadn't been for him. 

Some people ask me why I stayed with him.  They tell me I should have run sooner.  But who in their right minds would run away from a man who is medically insane and capable of killing you, when he has told you that he WILL kill you if you run away from him?  I wanted to live.  Not only that, he threatened to do to my mom what he was already doing to me. 

Rape... what an ugly word.  I used to tell my friends that being raped and murdered wasn't on my "to do list" and that is why I would go in groups everywhere with other girls.  Funny.... I trusted my boyfriend and I got raped.  Oh yes, there is that gasp of horror everyone has.  Yep.... I know... I should have left.... but really.... that knife was sharp and he had no sense of right and wrong.  He would have sliced my throat or worse.  He knew I was a virgin, and he couldn't stand the thought that any other man may some day get to take that.  So he stole it at knife point.  And all the while he told me he loved me.... even though I was ugly, stupid, and mean.

Anyone who has seen me knows I am not ugly.  Anyone who has met me knows I'm not stupid or mean.  My IQ rivals that of the modern day geniuses.... and he called me stupid.  I'm 5'10", my inseam is 36" or 38" depending on the pants, my bust size is 34D and I weigh a whopping 130 LBS.  I'm a natural strawberry blonde and my eyes constantly change from gold to green to blue and back again.  So why should my life be pointless?

Because I believed in a man who ruined me.  I'm now on the verge of bankruptcy at the age of 23.  I'm working at one of the best jobs in my city and yet still cannot keep out of court for a measly $1000 that I can't pay.  All I want to do is crawl in a hole and die... but do I?  No... I plaster a smile on my face and keep going.  I fucking hate my pointless life....

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