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Jewels Eyes's blog: "introductions"

created on 12/07/2010  |  http://fubar.com/introductions/b338161

Christopher.... a rant

I am so bloody sick of the name Christopher.  Why does every mother and father think about naming their son Christopher?  Why does it annoy me so much?  Because I like differences.  I used to have 1 Chris in my cell phone.  Then last week, just boom!  I had 3.  Now, if your name is Christopher, don't take this to heart.  I know it's not your fault you have a common name. 

I really have nothing against the name.  I'm just annoyed that so many people have the exact same name. 

passing away....

Whoever decided to call it "passing away" was an idiot.  "Passing away" sounds so peaceful.  But dieing is anything but peaceful in my mind.  I have had to fight to live for the past 3 years, I don't want to die.  I don't want my parents to die.  What is peaceful about someone who appears to have no health problems just dieing one night?  Especially when they are all alone and their spouse they saw yesterday had no idea anything was wrong?  What is peaceful about that?  It makes no sense.

My best friends dad died 2 days ago.  He was in Mexico for a week and then he flew to Las Vegas for a business meeting and his wife flew back to Washington D.C.  His wife is a nurse.... she would have known if anything was going wrong with him...

He never showed up for the business meeting so they sent someone to look for him.  They found him in his hotel room.... dead.  My friend.... my poor friend.... What do I say to her?  How can I comfort her when I haven't lost a father?  I have lost my soul, I have lost my baby, I have lost friends, but never a father.  I lost my neice, but she wasn't my father.

This man, he was younger than my dad is.  How do I know my dad will not just keel over dead someday?  It's just wrong.....

the pointless life....

What is the point of life?  Especially if you are a woman who has had a colorful past?  I mean think about it.  It doesn't matter how a girl looks, if she has had a bad life, she has had a bad life.  There doesn't seem to be a way out of it.  It's like this deep dark hole that is swallowing me.  Every time I take a step forward, I am forced to take 3 steps back and 1 step over.  Why can't life ever be simple?  Even for one day? 

I hate this time of year.  All the snow, the ice, it's beautiful.  I love the cold even though I complain about it.  But the days are too short and the nights are too long.  The nightmares get worse and the fear of the light becomes even more heavy on me.  The slightest bump in the night will make me reach for my hunting knife.  How many times have I almost sliced my family members because they startled me?  I don't even know.  I don't mean to be a paranoid freak.... but I will never let another man touch me like that again.

What is the point of having legs that look like a super models?  what is the point of being told constantly how beautiful I am?  What's the point?  I hate my life.  CMS ruined it for me.  I had 3 jobs, I was working like a maniac, and still had to make time to drive 160 miles every day round-trip to visit him.  I was barely making it.... and then he came along.  He made me buy his cigarrettes (I will never do that for a man again), he made me pay his rent, he made me buy him a gaddamned leather coat.  Fucking ass-hole.  I could have purchased enough feed to keep all my horses that winter if it hadn't been for him. 

Some people ask me why I stayed with him.  They tell me I should have run sooner.  But who in their right minds would run away from a man who is medically insane and capable of killing you, when he has told you that he WILL kill you if you run away from him?  I wanted to live.  Not only that, he threatened to do to my mom what he was already doing to me. 

Rape... what an ugly word.  I used to tell my friends that being raped and murdered wasn't on my "to do list" and that is why I would go in groups everywhere with other girls.  Funny.... I trusted my boyfriend and I got raped.  Oh yes, there is that gasp of horror everyone has.  Yep.... I know... I should have left.... but really.... that knife was sharp and he had no sense of right and wrong.  He would have sliced my throat or worse.  He knew I was a virgin, and he couldn't stand the thought that any other man may some day get to take that.  So he stole it at knife point.  And all the while he told me he loved me.... even though I was ugly, stupid, and mean.

Anyone who has seen me knows I am not ugly.  Anyone who has met me knows I'm not stupid or mean.  My IQ rivals that of the modern day geniuses.... and he called me stupid.  I'm 5'10", my inseam is 36" or 38" depending on the pants, my bust size is 34D and I weigh a whopping 130 LBS.  I'm a natural strawberry blonde and my eyes constantly change from gold to green to blue and back again.  So why should my life be pointless?

Because I believed in a man who ruined me.  I'm now on the verge of bankruptcy at the age of 23.  I'm working at one of the best jobs in my city and yet still cannot keep out of court for a measly $1000 that I can't pay.  All I want to do is crawl in a hole and die... but do I?  No... I plaster a smile on my face and keep going.  I fucking hate my pointless life....

Who am I?

Have you ever had a feeling that things aren't all that they appear?

I have.

 

I was born into a Christian family.   They have loved, supported, and taken care of me my entire life.  We have fought, laughed, and loved eachother to the fullest.  I know that when disaster hits, they will never leave me.  However, I also know that there are rules that I have to follow as well.  Rules chaff at me.  But I guess they are supposed to keep me safe.  They didn't, but they are supposed to.

My life was a golden one when I was younger, but I have been angry since before I could remember.  I got everything I asked for, and yet I never had friends who understood what I really wanted.  I was bullied, teased, and made-fun of.  As I got older, women didn't seem to get along with me.  I tried to be nice to them, but my sense of humor is more like a mans.  I am very upfront and women seem to require a softer approach.

But life is good.  I have my horses, they are my life, my love, my passion, and everything I want.  I take joy in them and what I can do with them.  I rehabilitate underweight and abused horses.  I love the thrill of seeing this massive beast bend its will to mine.  When they begin to attack, the adrenaline rush is enough to send me into a euphoric state of mind.  The pride I feel from getting the 1,100 lbs animals to allow a small child to ride them is like none other.  The rush I get from speeding over the ground on my Fiery Red Horse, there is nothing like it.  To know that you decide the fate of such a noble creature.... it fills one with awe.

I will not tolerate a man disrespecting women.  It's bad enough when women disrespect themselves, but to have men join in on that?  Not if I can help it.  I stand for decency from both genders.  I stand for love, respect, and trust.  If you cannot give me those, I don't want you around.

I don't ask for much.  Not really.  My best friends are vampires and a Lugaru.... I am very open minded.  

Those are the basics about me.

<3 <3 <3

 

 

 

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