When your in the business that most of my friends and I are in your on the road a lot. And in the course of that time together on the road you hear a lot of crazy shit. A couple of things to clear up(and I know a few of you are going to argue this point) 95% of us are ASSHOLES. Oh we can be nice hell we can even be charming(if we want something) but by and large we are infact a bunch of drunken assholes. And there are Varying degrees amongst our various groups I do not deny that from the slow build up to soul crushing sarcasm (Barry) to the Just plain blunt get the fuck away from me assholes(ME) Now that I have made that statement let me continue on with my story.
We start our story just after our show last night in KC. I know mid week show what were we thinking. Turns out it was a great crowd probably 400 mexicans who were insane.We are starving and need beer in the most obscene ways. I have personally been screaming about it since about 6. Its 1030. I wanted some fucking beer and some god damned wings.So we all agree to go to Hooters.Now anyone who knows me knows me knows I can not stand Hooters. The food is greasy and the only thing worse than the food is the bottom feeders theyn have convinced to cater to jack asses like me.(How shitty does your life have to be for you to work at Hooters???? You dress half naked and flirt with on average 75 White trash pieces of shit who tip you shitty. Fuck it be a stripper. At least there you will make some fucking money. But then again I have not seen very many Hooters Sluts that I would really want to see naked. I think you see my point)You know its going to be a bad night when I manage to get pissed off right from the get go. We walk in and some Stupid Gutter Slut begs us to sit further in the back.I am ok with this at first because I think she is fishing for money and is begging us to sit in her section.(Even I am not above a little charity)Turns out it was the exact opposite. She was BEGGING us not too. (Your sole function in a place like that is to feed and cater to us and you send us away? God knows she probably did not make enough to feed herself that night. And asshole or not we all know how to tip atleast.)So I am pissed off by her sheer nerve to send us away.I think at that point I said something along the Lines of " What kind of bullshit is this? We got passed over by a Bottom Feeder? Why are you too lazy to do your job?" The guys quickly shut me up. Finally the wonderful soul who is to be our servant shows up. She has all the personality of a dead dogs dick. Great!!! I bellow I want a water and Fuck it I have to piss. We decide to order 50 wings and so on and so forth order our drinks. I get back to the table to find that we can not have our wings!!! What the hell is that shit about??? That restaurant has but one purpose in the universe serve shity food and hire bottom feeders who can not make it as strippers. Thats it. And they manage to fuck this up. This sends me into demensions of Pissed off unseen by most mortals. At one point in the tirade that I now go off on the servant comes to the table with drinks. Try and keep up here there are 6 of us. Craig Barry Jose Jared Some mark and myself. The Drink order is not hard. Ready? I want a water, Jared a water, Craig a large heffenwises and a water, Barry a large Blue moon, Jose a Large Bud light, and The mark a diet coke. God damned how hard is that? First fuck up....They do not have Large Glasses tonight...... BULLSHIT..but they are going to bring them 2 pint glasses per order.Its bullshit but we can live with it. She comes to the Table with 3 pints of beer(not the 6 she should have (LAZY)) the diet coke and 2 waters. I look at her and ask, "How in the name of all thats holy could you manage to screw this up?" She is remiss to see the problem....I have nothing in front of me but an empty coaster....This is not Rocket science folks I promise....Yet she manages too look at me as if I just asked her the square root off 225...."You forgot my water!"...Craig appologizes for my behavior....I ask what behavior It was just water.Group Consensus is that I was being an asshole (Really I mean come one are any of you really surprised by that?). Barry takes this as a Personal Challenge.
Barry:How long you worked here?
Moron: About a week?
Barry: Bullshit your a worker You have to atleast worked here over a year...
Moron: Nope just started Last week.
Barry: Bullshit I know a worker when i see one.
Moron: Well I did work at another Hooters for over a year.(Well the moron you have worked as a bottom feeder for over a year. Do they give out awards for people being so insanely stupid?)
Barry: I knew it. How do you do it?
Moron: Do what?
Barry: This your job, walking up to a neverending series of assholes and pretending to give two shits about them? You just see their wallets huh?
Moron: NO I really am just a nice person.
At this point she walks away from us to talk to another guy who came in after us and yet managed to get food. This guy was a major douchebag. Comes in with a bible and a suit. I do not get it but whatever floats his boat. He is also about 40. She is flirting away like there is no tomorrow and tell him how much she missed him and to come see her again soon. BLAH. She is working him like a fucking hooker with a Bipolar Pimp. He gives her way way too much money for the shitty service he got. (unless there was a handjob I did not see) She walks back over to us.
Barry: That right there you worked him and you were no more interested in him then Giovanni is in me.
Moron: No he is a really good guy.
Barry: You can not possibly have been interested in that tool.
At this point she starts to smile then looks upset Barry has made his point. She is a hustler and she worked him. She is no better than a common whore. She takes our money in silence clearly upset. About this time 4 cop cars roll up and we are pretty sure we are going to jail. Nothing new there. We depart not going to jail.
Start heading home drinking some of the best 'Shine I have ever had...NO I will not tell you where we got it so do not ask. Barry passes out as he is want to do and Jose and I begin to chit chat about many things: sex tips, (your welcome for that one Barry use it well) Some of the gimmicks we have used to get laid in the past, About Jose's ideas for Gimmicks to break into the business, About a possible Barry Vs. Giovanni Slautherfest, about breaking into the business and the one Person in the world that I have major heat with "The Southern Boy" I think he may even have blue eyes. That would in fact make him a Blue Eyed Southern Boy.
Barry amazeingly wakes back up on this and says that if we continue to make shows together that eventually me and my arch nemisis would eventually meet up. Jose says that I sound like I would beat his ass if that happened.
Barry: Giovanni could not beat his ass. He wrestled a bear and won.
Me: It was a trained Bear Barry.
Barry: No it wasn't man I am telling you he hip tossed a fucking bear and pinned him.
Me: I am telling you jack ass it was a trained Bear.
Barry: No it was not! The Bear did not post.
Me: So it was a sandbagging Brown bear but it was still a trained Bear.
Barry: No man I am telling you he hip tossed a Brown Bear.
Me: He hip tossed a fucking sandbagging Poorly trained brown bear you happy now?
Barry: See he would beat your ass because you know how to work!
