It started as any weekend should....I woke up.
Ok so its Friday about noon. I get a txt From Michael ( Names have been changed to protect us from the stupidity that ensues.) and I quote " I get of at 6 then we procede to burn the Nam down." So sure enough 6 rolls around and we go to the mall to get suited up for the coming disaster. Now we get to a store and this stupid ass Clerk starts fawning over Michael. "What do you like wrestle or something?" and so on and so forth. So 45 minutes later with an intense desire to hurt this young "woman" (put in quotations because I am not sure what it was) we finally escape from the store. We look at one another with that knowing look that says this is going to be the weekend we die. So we start the trip to the NAM. If you have been there you know from Joplin its about an hour to an hour fifteen. We make it in 45 minutes and only almost get pulled over 3 times. So far so good. We are walking to the bar and i mutter, "We are so going to Jail tonight." As we prepare to cross the street I eye some Chrstian Fantics. Now those of you that know me that I am not a fan of conventional religion but I leave those that are alone. Not tonight.... These Douche Bags are wearing signs on Dickson street(The bar district of the NAM) that say shit like " A christian woman should be home cooking and obedient." Now for whatever reason this offends the shit out of me. I spout of Totally offensive and Michael grabs me telling me to shut up. We walk into the bar and Michaels first words to me are, " This is a N bar." We are there 15 seconds and it has already begun. We get there and our good buddy Champ is a bouncer there. We do our greetings and so on and walk to the bar. We get a couple of beers and the night starts to go downhill quick. In the first half an hour Michael and i have 3 beers and two shots. So far so good. Then it dawns on us as the Booze burns our stomaches that neither of us had eaten at all that day. So 2 long island Iced teas later the good stuff starts. I make a couple of txts and a couple of phone calls later to turn out that maybe I should not have. Our buddies Carter and Thomas finally find us and we continue to drink our weights in Booze. Michael at this point notices Thomas is chugging Beer so he feels it would be a good idea to start chuggin Long Island Iced teas. Michael at this point learns a new word and begins to bandy it about like a child with a new toy. We proceded to get shit hammered Drunk. As we try leading Michael from the Bar he tries to woo a woman he finds intriguing."I'd put it in your butt," He says to no avail. "Hey Hey Bitch I said I would Put in in your ass." again this poor young woman has no clue that she is being hailed by Michael. " Hey hey Cu*t N***er I said I wanted to put it in your ASS!!!!" Amazeingly this woman still does not hear this so as she turns her backside to him he stalks her ass while singing the War song from Star trek (you know the one where Cpt. Kirk and Spock do battle) We finally get him outside and then have to fight him as he tries to drive the car. We pile into Carter's truck. Thomas Michael and Carter in the front and me in the bed. We try to get to another Bar with Michael screaming obscenities to everyone we pass as well as a few to me. So of course I am screaming back at him as we drive a million miles an hour.
I will end part one here but tune in soon for the conculusion of this wonderful tale.
