1146709's blog: "Me"

First off…I won’t be naming any names in this posting.  All the people I will talk about know exactly who they are.

Ok…the last seven months have been interesting…to say the least.  I tried my hand at a relationship.  This was a relationship with a woman (let’s call her Indy) who I met on Fubar.  I put myself in a situation that, if I had the chance to do all over again, I would have stepped away from.

I first started talking to Indy in October when I first arrived in Indiana.  We went on one date.  I took her to Red Lobster and then to my apartment for a movie.  She disappeared off the face of the earth after that.  I may have heard from her a few times during November and December.  I thought that she didn’t like me so I decided to move on.  I started chatting and talking to another woman on Fubar.  I was very close to having a face-to-face meeting with this woman.  I called it off at the last minute because I had gotten back in touch with Indy.  I was pretty torn as to what to do.  I made a decision and decided to call off the face-to-face meeting and pursue Indy.

I was planning on going home for the holidays in December.  I asked Indy what her plans were for Christmas and she told me she was going to be alone.  I decided to invite her to spend the holidays with my family.  The intensions were genuine.  No one should spend Christmas alone.  She agreed and I came back to Indiana to pick her up.  We went to my family Christmas Eve party and then stayed the night with my Dad.  We had sex that night for the first time.  At that point, I figured my search for THE ONE was over.  We went to my sister’s house for Christmas Day and then I had to take her back to Indiana.

We basically lived together when we got back to Indiana.  I was taking her to work (a 75 minute drive when you factored in my drive to work after dropping her off) every day.  I was picking her up from her apartment every night.  I can count on one hand the number of times that we did not spend the night together at my place.

We lived without argument for the first three months or so.  That first argument (I can’t remember what it was about) was basically done on Microsoft Word.  She typed a message to me that I read when I sat down to my computer.  Her low self esteem began to show as she basically blamed herself for whatever had happened.  She said that she was stupid and pathetic.  I, of course, disagreed with her and we made up.  She told me how she hated verbal confrontations and that hatred was the reason why she typed the message to me.  Another confrontation we had was about her sending me useless text messages.  I would get texts from her that would say “GRRRRRRR” or “Yawn”.  She would tell me how bad her feet hurt when I was in Ohio (A.D.D. Moment: What the hell was I supposed to do about her sore feet when I am in another state?).  I thought all of this was weird, but I went with the flow.

I was sent to Wisconsin for a week in April.  It was right around the same time I was featured on the F-Word.  The F-Word feature came out and I was sent a message by another woman (Let’s call her Buckeye).  Buckeye made a very good case for herself.  She put herself on my radar.  I’m a guy, so I listened to what she had to say.  She basically wanted me to leave Indy and start a relationship with her.  I was still in love with Indy so I declined.  Buckeye was attracted to the fact that I wear a uniform.  That attraction led to us exchanging phone numbers.  After that, she would send me nude pictures of herself to my cell phone.  I am partly to blame for all of this because I bought in to her advances.  I allowed her to send the pictures.  I text/flirted with her while I was at work.  I was wrong for all of this.

What my flirting with Buckeye did was shine a different light on Indy.  It couldn’t be helped.  Indy and I started disagreeing more and more.  Sex with Indy started to get stale.  She tried very hard to get me to have sex CONSTANTLY.  She would feel up my crotch while I was taking a nap.  She would ask (what seemed like) every other five minutes.  When we actually did have sex, she would ask for “Round Two” as soon as we were finished.  To be totally honest, I faked orgasm with Indy about 80% of the time just to end the session.  Another thing I couldn’t stand was that Indy would just lay there during sex.  She wouldn’t say a word.  I was so frustrated with her that I grew to hate having sex with her.  I was coming up with excuses to not have sex just so I could avoid it.  I started leaving her at her apartment at night.  I would tell her that I was working late and having to go in early the next day to avoid going to pick her up.  She would only spend one or two days with me.  I avoided her as much as I could.

I went home on leave for two weeks and I was planning on seeing Buckeye while I was at home.  That never happened because Buckeye was torn about cheating on the boyfriend she had just hooked up with.  So I went back to Indiana without seeing Buckeye at all.  She apologized for having cold feet a couple of days later.

By this time, I was just about done with Indy.  I saw her for two days in three weeks.  I (legitimately) was working a lot.  I was going in around 6:30 AM and not leaving until around 5:45 PM.  I was even sent back to my unit headquarters in Ohio to work our Reserve drill weekend.  When I got back, I decided that the next time I saw Indy would be my last.  I was going to tell her about how frustrated I was and that I thought our relationship was going nowhere.  I never got that chance.  To Indy’s credit, she began to see that things weren’t going well.  My text messages to her began to become pretty scarce.  She asked my about what was going on in a text.  She talked about how stupid and pathetic she was and that I would be better off with someone else (A.D.D. Moment: Girls…if you keep hitting your man with the low self esteem act and telling him that he would be better off with someone else…he just may agree with you at some point).  That set me off and I decided that I wasn’t going to wait to see her to break things off.  I let my temper fuel my emotions and ended everything right then and there. 

Sometime during all of this, Buckeye and Indy started talking to each other.  I have no idea how deep of a friendship they had.  But I am pretty sure that I was more in the dark then I realized.  I informed Buckeye that me and Indy were done and talked about how Indy was in bed.  Much to my surprise, Indy’s Fubar status message the next morning complained of how I had said she was bad at sex.  I was livid when I saw that because I knew that only one person could have spilled those beans to her.  I said those things in confidence and felt betrayed.  Buckeye told me that she did inform Indy about what I had said.  She was doing it to provide closure for Indy.  I initially bought that explanation.  But, now I am having second thoughts.  Something told me that Buckeye was playing me.  I was going to go for the last laugh and do the “one night stand and never call again” plan with her.  But, I have decided to just wash my hands of the entire situation.

I still have to see Indy one last time.  I stored some of her belongings at my Dad’s house.  I have to go home and get that stuff to give back to her.  Once that is done, I will forget about this entire situation and start over.