1146709's blog: "Me"

First off…I won’t be naming any names in this posting.  All the people I will talk about know exactly who they are.

Ok…the last seven months have been interesting…to say the least.  I tried my hand at a relationship.  This was a relationship with a woman (let’s call her Indy) who I met on Fubar.  I put myself in a situation that, if I had the chance to do all over again, I would have stepped away from.

I first started talking to Indy in October when I first arrived in Indiana.  We went on one date.  I took her to Red Lobster and then to my apartment for a movie.  She disappeared off the face of the earth after that.  I may have heard from her a few times during November and December.  I thought that she didn’t like me so I decided to move on.  I started chatting and talking to another woman on Fubar.  I was very close to having a face-to-face meeting with this woman.  I called it off at the last minute because I had gotten back in touch with Indy.  I was pretty torn as to what to do.  I made a decision and decided to call off the face-to-face meeting and pursue Indy.

I was planning on going home for the holidays in December.  I asked Indy what her plans were for Christmas and she told me she was going to be alone.  I decided to invite her to spend the holidays with my family.  The intensions were genuine.  No one should spend Christmas alone.  She agreed and I came back to Indiana to pick her up.  We went to my family Christmas Eve party and then stayed the night with my Dad.  We had sex that night for the first time.  At that point, I figured my search for THE ONE was over.  We went to my sister’s house for Christmas Day and then I had to take her back to Indiana.

We basically lived together when we got back to Indiana.  I was taking her to work (a 75 minute drive when you factored in my drive to work after dropping her off) every day.  I was picking her up from her apartment every night.  I can count on one hand the number of times that we did not spend the night together at my place.

We lived without argument for the first three months or so.  That first argument (I can’t remember what it was about) was basically done on Microsoft Word.  She typed a message to me that I read when I sat down to my computer.  Her low self esteem began to show as she basically blamed herself for whatever had happened.  She said that she was stupid and pathetic.  I, of course, disagreed with her and we made up.  She told me how she hated verbal confrontations and that hatred was the reason why she typed the message to me.  Another confrontation we had was about her sending me useless text messages.  I would get texts from her that would say “GRRRRRRR” or “Yawn”.  She would tell me how bad her feet hurt when I was in Ohio (A.D.D. Moment: What the hell was I supposed to do about her sore feet when I am in another state?).  I thought all of this was weird, but I went with the flow.

I was sent to Wisconsin for a week in April.  It was right around the same time I was featured on the F-Word.  The F-Word feature came out and I was sent a message by another woman (Let’s call her Buckeye).  Buckeye made a very good case for herself.  She put herself on my radar.  I’m a guy, so I listened to what she had to say.  She basically wanted me to leave Indy and start a relationship with her.  I was still in love with Indy so I declined.  Buckeye was attracted to the fact that I wear a uniform.  That attraction led to us exchanging phone numbers.  After that, she would send me nude pictures of herself to my cell phone.  I am partly to blame for all of this because I bought in to her advances.  I allowed her to send the pictures.  I text/flirted with her while I was at work.  I was wrong for all of this.

What my flirting with Buckeye did was shine a different light on Indy.  It couldn’t be helped.  Indy and I started disagreeing more and more.  Sex with Indy started to get stale.  She tried very hard to get me to have sex CONSTANTLY.  She would feel up my crotch while I was taking a nap.  She would ask (what seemed like) every other five minutes.  When we actually did have sex, she would ask for “Round Two” as soon as we were finished.  To be totally honest, I faked orgasm with Indy about 80% of the time just to end the session.  Another thing I couldn’t stand was that Indy would just lay there during sex.  She wouldn’t say a word.  I was so frustrated with her that I grew to hate having sex with her.  I was coming up with excuses to not have sex just so I could avoid it.  I started leaving her at her apartment at night.  I would tell her that I was working late and having to go in early the next day to avoid going to pick her up.  She would only spend one or two days with me.  I avoided her as much as I could.

I went home on leave for two weeks and I was planning on seeing Buckeye while I was at home.  That never happened because Buckeye was torn about cheating on the boyfriend she had just hooked up with.  So I went back to Indiana without seeing Buckeye at all.  She apologized for having cold feet a couple of days later.

By this time, I was just about done with Indy.  I saw her for two days in three weeks.  I (legitimately) was working a lot.  I was going in around 6:30 AM and not leaving until around 5:45 PM.  I was even sent back to my unit headquarters in Ohio to work our Reserve drill weekend.  When I got back, I decided that the next time I saw Indy would be my last.  I was going to tell her about how frustrated I was and that I thought our relationship was going nowhere.  I never got that chance.  To Indy’s credit, she began to see that things weren’t going well.  My text messages to her began to become pretty scarce.  She asked my about what was going on in a text.  She talked about how stupid and pathetic she was and that I would be better off with someone else (A.D.D. Moment: Girls…if you keep hitting your man with the low self esteem act and telling him that he would be better off with someone else…he just may agree with you at some point).  That set me off and I decided that I wasn’t going to wait to see her to break things off.  I let my temper fuel my emotions and ended everything right then and there. 

Sometime during all of this, Buckeye and Indy started talking to each other.  I have no idea how deep of a friendship they had.  But I am pretty sure that I was more in the dark then I realized.  I informed Buckeye that me and Indy were done and talked about how Indy was in bed.  Much to my surprise, Indy’s Fubar status message the next morning complained of how I had said she was bad at sex.  I was livid when I saw that because I knew that only one person could have spilled those beans to her.  I said those things in confidence and felt betrayed.  Buckeye told me that she did inform Indy about what I had said.  She was doing it to provide closure for Indy.  I initially bought that explanation.  But, now I am having second thoughts.  Something told me that Buckeye was playing me.  I was going to go for the last laugh and do the “one night stand and never call again” plan with her.  But, I have decided to just wash my hands of the entire situation.

I still have to see Indy one last time.  I stored some of her belongings at my Dad’s house.  I have to go home and get that stuff to give back to her.  Once that is done, I will forget about this entire situation and start over.

Page 3 My parents divorced in 1980. A pessimist would say that I was the cause that extended a bad marriage eight years longer than it should have lasted. I remember a long custody battle between my parents that eventually landed me and my sister with my mom. We were with her for about a year until we were deemed old enough to pick who we wanted to be with. We both decided to live with dad. I think the reason we decided to live with dad was because mom was making some pretty questionable decisions at the time. She was dating some guys that I was not very impressed with. The one she ended up marrying was the worst of the bunch. Mom married a guy named Michael McShane sometime in 1984. This guy talked a good game, didn't have the sack to back anything up. He was a habitual in the fact that not one shred of spit that exited his mouth had any truth to it. This man drove a wedge between me and my mom that took years to repair. Meanwhile...dad wasn't having too much luck finding a woman either. He did marry Rhonda Ransom sometime in '84 or '85, but ti didn't last long. I couldn't stand her either but dad would never let a wedge be driven between him and his kids. Rhonda couldn't handle that so she split around '88 or so. Mom kept clinging to Mike, even though he was lying through his false teeth, bouncing checks EVERYWHERE, and forcing my mom to have to move every 3 or 4 months. Had I known then what I know now....I would have put that scumbag out of his misery as soon as mom introduced him to me. He is the cause of a lot of pent up emotion that I held back for a lot of years. His negative influence effected me for years. I was so close to following him down the same road with the lying and self-imposed finacial problems. Mike wound up going to jail for excessive bad checks. My mom was granted an uncontested divorce from him. The last time I saw him was at his sentencing hearing. He can thank his lucky stars that I never saw him again. Dad went on to marry another woman. Her name was Ellen King. If you ask me, Ellen didn't have a damn clue at all. She is one of the wierdest individuals with whom I have ever come into contact. She had two boys: Earl and Donald. We were pretty good friends prior to dad marrying their mother. We went from instant friends to step-brothers. It was awkward to say the least. You really get to know someone when you are spending all day with them as opposed to a few hours during the day. I always knew Earl was a hot-head, but I had no idea about how bad his temper could be. He and I squared off a few times at home, but we would never go to blows. This was before I joined the Army and knew how to defend myself. Add my current knowledge to that equasion and things might have turned out different. Anyway...dad and Ellen would divorce and re-marry, and divorce again. Dad has lived alone ever since. Mom was diagnosed with lupus around the time that her and dad split up in 1980. She would spend significant time in the hospital due to her condition causing kidney failure. She tried a kidney transplant from one of her sisters around 1992. The kidney didn't take. She swore she would never put another family member through that again. She was put on the donor list and she got another one in 1995. This one was accepted. The life expectancy of a transplanted kidney was five years, and she lost that kidney in 2000. She went to dialysis three days every week until her death on August 14, 2001. Mom met Harry Garber in 1990 while I was away at Basic Training. She married him in 1995. Harry was the best thing to ever happen to my mom. He loved her unconditionally and still does to this day even though she has been gone since 2001. You can always tell which grave site is my mom's. Harry takes care of the head stone and keeps it decorated throughout the year with different themes to compliment the season. Stay tuned - More to follow...

Page 2 I stated school just like everyone in the 70's. I went to kindergarden when I was 5. There was no pre-school, no kindergarden entrance exam, you just went to school for a half day when you were 5. The school I went to was Highland North Elementary. I remember my cousin Jerry being there with me, as well as Ben Loebick. I met some new friends also. I can only remember falling into puppy love one time, but it was crush I had for about 4 years. Her name was Jeaneen Rogers. I was head over heels for her and didn't even look at anyone else. Now, I understand that I was only 6, 7, & 8 years old at the time. But I think that by not looking at anyone else, I developed my loyalty habits that I still hold to this day. After my parents divorced (I'll get to that story later), I moved in with my mom and she lived across the street from Jeaneen's house. I thought I had a great opportunity until she told me one day that she would NEVER go steady with me. I think her telling me that was enough to help me let go of any crush I had on her. I went to Highland North until 4th grade. A new Junior High School was built and the old Jr. high was converted to an elementary school. I started there in 5th grade. Of course...a new school meant that I found a new girl to fall in love with. This time I fell for a girl named Tanya Chafin. I remembe the first time I saw her on the first day of school. It was kinda like the cartoon when the guy sees a beautiful woman and his eyes turn to hearts. It was kinda like that. We were always friends but the fact that I was so shy back then prevented me from initially coming clean about my feelings. Once I did, we tried to go steady, but it was just too wierd for us. We danced our last dance on the last day of school in 6th grade and never had feelings for each other again. More to follow....stay tuned

- Page 1 Wanna know about me? Wanna "walk the mile in my shoes"? Wanna see what has made me what I am today? Sit back and take a gander at this.... Early Life I was born in Mt. Vernon, Ohio on October 5, 1971. I was led to believe that I was the product of "make-up" sex between my mother and father. They had been separated and were about to divorce. I came along and it gave them a reason to re-new their wedding vows, which they did in March, 1971. Everyone tells me that I was a very cute baby. I have seen some of my baby pictures and I would have to say (my ego not withstanding) that I have to agree. If I ever get a hold of them again, I may just post some to my page to prove it. I barely remember the house I grew up in being built. I do remember being there when some of the plaster for the ceiling was being done. I search my memory banks and can see a guy jabbing this flower patterned contraption into the ceiling. I would have told him to stop had I know how many ballons that pattern would cost me in the future. My dad worked for the Chattanooga Glass factory. His factory produced glass bottles for anything from soda-pop to ketchup to beer and wine. He worked a swing shift so you never know when he was going to be home. My mom worked for the Post Office in Mt. Vernon. All I can remember from her job was seeing her at the window whenever we went there. We always showed up when she had a long line so we never got to much interaction with her at work. I remember spending a lot of time in my youth with my cousin, Jerry Young. They lived right next door to us for a while before they moved away. I seem to remember them moving a lot. I never understood why. All I knew was that Jerry was moving again and that we had to help them. I met my best friend (non family) when I was just 3 years old. My grandfather's farm was a short distance away from our house so we would walk the gravel/paved road to get to his house. One day, me and my older sister were walking back home when we saw someone had moved into a house along our route. There was a small boy there who looked to be my age. His name was Ben Loebick. Ben had noticedthat there was a lot of tar on my feet and he asked his dad to see if they had anything to clean it off (The kid was three years old and was already trying to get into the feet cleaning business). His dad did his best to get the tar off of my feet but it was no use. But, I had found a friend that I have kept to this day. (KEEP LOOKING FOR ADDITIONS TO THIS BLOG)