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Christian's blog: "The Horror"

created on 03/29/2007  |  http://fubar.com/the-horror/b68935
This Article was rejected from the annals of http://www.helium.com/ Early in life, we learn the laws of nature, and we understand that there is no way to break them outside of our imagination. That is why we need video games to rule and kick ass over all humans and non-humans. It's all about domination and imagination. The richest man alive can never do what I have unless he plays games. Can the force of his will revive someone from death? His money can buy him nothing I have ever done with Kratos, the "God of War," under my command. I play video games more than I read books, and there are many reasons for this, the main being lack of leisure time. However, we all know that a game is more engrossing because it offers visual and physical stimulus. I mostly read non-fiction, when I read because I would rather be controlling a wizard in a video game than reading about one walking around playing with his staff. Now the point of all of this is quite simple: I wanna kick some ass on a scale more major than Truman. I can't use our president we have now as wanting to kick ass because I've been to Iraq, and I kicked more ass at Halo 2 than I did in downtown Baghdad. However, our inbred, mentally handicapped president and his lackadaisical approach to all aspects of life is not the topic here. I wanna kick ass and drop bombs - that is the point - like American history has taught me to. So, it all hits me, when I am playing "Dead Rising" for X-Box 360; I feel it completely disappoint me when I realize, "I'm not kicking ass at this game." As hard as I try, I'm not kickin' ass! It's not my fault, however; I'm blaming the game not the player. I love the idea taken straight from "Dawn of the Dead." However, I hated how unbalanced the game play was. I am supposed to be the hero in the game, and I keep getting killed by this clown, who won't die when I shoot him in the head. How about the reappearing convicts that can take more shots than me? I gave up playing this game, when I reached the clown boss mainly because I was disgusted. All I can say about this game is that the zombies are wonderful, and I actually liked the concept they had for how the zombies came to be undead monsters. Everything else is a waste, and I really hope someone re-hashes a better version of this beautiful game I cannot enjoy due to foul production errors. The biggest mistake in this game is the hero should either be stronger or, at least, be balanced with the enemy. It's time for the b.a.m.f's (bad ass mf'ers) to make their comeback. Some of them may need to be resurrected from 20 year old graves in our minds, but they are desperately in need in order for us to kick major ass again. Anyone remember the Bionic Commando? He kicked Hitler's ass! He needs a comeback! Anyone remember the first Turok the Dinosaur Hunter for N64? That mf kicked some major A! He had guns that made miniature nuclear explosions! The grenade launcher blasted velociraptors all over the place and decimated the landscape. I haven't played a first-person shooter since then with weapons that powerful and cool, and unlike the broke-dick soldiers in "Gears of War" for xbox360, Turok could jump! It's sad that such great 3-D environments and weapons died with that game, or was it too much power? Is there a secret law the government passed to censor having a miniature atomic detonator in a game? Another great part of this game were the codes. You could have invincibility, unlimited lives, unlimited ammo, and all the weapons. There are no codes like this for "Dead Rising," and if you use the cheat codes for "Marvel Ultimate Alliance," you are penalized. I just wanna kick major ass, not have to hide, die, and wait for the game to re-load over and over again. I am not saying one should rely on codes to play a game; we all knows there is beauty in skill. What I am saying is that weakly programmed protagonists suck! My next question: Why hasn't there been a kick ass "Contra" game since SNES? Also, it is high time for the "Double Dragon" brothers to come back and have great game with kick ass karate fighting! I'd love to see a new "Double Dragon" game mixed with some great philosophy in the storyline and different fighting styles/leveling up. There are some things that should remain true to the original game when doing a remake, but the contra remakes suck my ass. I want 20 levels with a code for 30 lives! Instead, you get penalized for using the code and see a crappy ending after 6 levels. I enjoy games with a challenge; without that, a game is boring, but what I don't like is hours of frustration due to the programmed weakness of the character I am controlling. When I turn on my PS2, I'm nobody's bitch! I love to play Role-Playing games also, and I love Final Fantasy 7. However, when it comes to the time invested to raise chocobos and complete many of the mundane tasks in the game, I found myself feeling like I should have been doing something more important; something else on the plain of reality was calling me. When I remembered my characters were already strong enough to defeat Sephiroth without "Knights of the Round," I didn't need to waste my time for something that will never truly bear fruit in the long run of playing the game. I am too impatient in my quest for power perhaps, but the most exhilarating part of rpgs for me is finding new weapons, magic, and kicking more ass! So, if FF7 does make a come back on PS3, let's make it a little more slick and a little less time consuming! If there is anyone, who remembers the "Shinobi" remake for PS2, I thought that game kicked ass and set a lot of standards as far as his mid-air dash and wall running abilities. The only part of Shinobi that pissed me off was one of the later levels, where my ninja died when he fell in the water. The concept of water killing you in a video game has been overused already. Dante from the "Devil May Cry" series has a lot of strengths; the only way he is lacking is the time consuming pursuit of red orbs. So "Contra" needs to come back with some real strength and gusto. Bringing back "Bionic Commando" would kick some arse also. Doing "Double Dragon" would easily be awesome as well. I'd love to see a remake of Final Fantasy 7 that has enough changes to the game play to make it amusing to FF7 veterans. I really don't want to buy the game if it is the same as the original only with enhanced graphics. A remake of the original NES classic "Kung Fu" seems viable in some weird way to me. Who knows? It's definitely worth a try. I'm loving that Xbox is releasing "Castlevania Symphony of the Night" for only 12 bucks or something; this gives us hope for more classics to be re-vamped. The overall point is: don't make me - a normal, mortal human being, living under laws of nature and America - work too hard to be a bad ass at a video game. I have enough depression and oppression without turning on my game systems, so please give me strength, power, swords, guns, ninjas, bombs, more friggin' zombies!

Zombies

My girlfriend and I watched the original "Dawn of the Dead" tonight. It was her first time seeing it so of course it made it more fun for me to watch it my 75th time, enjoying it more, because she loves zombies as much as me. The original "Dawn of the Dead" is my favorite zombie movie. It has better acting and the best plot. It's magical in a way. It makes me just want to watch people try to survive with the world in that state. Imagine them, crashing through your windows, in hoards, killing, and eating... never dying. One of the main differences between the original "D of the D" and other zombie films is that it was written with social messages for the viewer, and is filled with raw graphic depictions of savagery. In the original "D of the D" you witness one of the protagonists killing two zombie children. The only weakness is that it was shot in 1978, so it has that "Dirty Harry" look to it. It's too bad every strength of the original was overlooked in the remake. I'm not taking the trodden path by giving a comprehensive review of why this movie is a failure. I am going straight to the heart of the problem and saying: Fuck you film producers who think the majority of the population is stupid and thoughtless enough to consider this a classic movie. The "D of the D" remake is rubbish on film, and a waste of a cool zombie baby. I don't care about your feelings, if you like the "DOTD" remake, make sure you can alphabetize your dvd collection and not put it next to the "Fast and the Furious" sequels. D comes before F, you friggin wrestling watching, moron. I apologize, that was an issue I have with the stupid of America, spewing out of me with no tact or regard, because I no longer give a fuck. Enjoy the original "Dawn of the Dead" however, because in my opinion the film is brilliant. I would love to see a remake not intended for fucking idiots, or people on their way to becoming zombies. If you want to read anymore of my film reviews, and would like to review some yourself, join me on this site: Flixter. Peace, and be happy if you're not stupid :D
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