naughtytinkerbell's blog: "Walls"

I spend too much time lost in my own mind contemplating the meaning behind the actions and words of others. I stay confused and waiting for someone to disabuse me of the notion that between us is no emotion. That when all is said and done nothing is all that we will become. I know that I should not but I can not help but dream. Dream of a life. A love. A home. Dream of truly living instead of just barely getting by. Dream of a day when I will be allowed to be free to spread my wings and fly. Not held down, weighted by the words that dreams are a waste of time. Dreams never do come true. That is what I have been told. You have to find something you can merely be content with while you grow old. Do not sing. Do not dream. No one wants to hear your stories, for better ones have already been written. Do not dress or act or speak this way just trust me and do as I say.

That is not love you feel you are only smitten. He will use you and abuse you. The next one will control you and own you and this one, huh, well he is not good enough for you. Be yourself but only if it complies with the view I have of you in my mind. You are too patient and too kind. You always wear your heart upon your sleeve. Baby that is why they are always in a hurry to leave. Be chaste, be virtuous, practice monogamy, but keep in mind those rules do not apply to me. Tell me all that you think and feel. You can trust me bae, baby, dear I am for real. You talk, you think, you play too much for me. That wasn't part of the deal. I will treat you to silence and leave you wondering what I think and how I feel. Do not put words into my mouth to replace the ones you never hear. My friend I love you much and you must be content with that my dear. Do not move, do not change, stay right there. I draw comfort from knowing that you are near.

You remind me of my ex, the bitch, the slut, the cunt. I'm so sorry I didnt realize that my words were sharp like knives and could cut you deep. Never leave me. I want you to need me but not too much. I need you to be strong enough to care for me when I am unable to do so myself. I can not, I will not, I do not for my own reasons. Things will be better now it was just a rough season. I may not be perfect but I strive to be. Why is it that you must fight me? I only have your best interests at heart. The world is harsh and cruel don't go out there and be a fool. Come here, hide with me. No one can hurt you when hiding in the dark. Oh look she's trying to take a stand. She must be seeing another man.

You are smart and you are witty. Its too bad that you aren't that pretty. Less than average that is what you are and that is what makes you better by far. I've dated women who were too pretty you see, all they ever did was hurt me. You should be grateful I'm not like those other men. I'll never beat you or mistreat you. You never have to worry that I will cheat on you. I'm too lazy, hell, I didn't even have to pursue you. Take care of me now and someday I will remember to take care of you. Don't expect anything of me. You must be content to simply be here with me.

If I had, if I could, you know that I surely would. I can't. My back, I don't feel good. I am sorry that you are feeling sick but could you at least do for me your little trick? I am willing to do anything for you as long as you will listen while I lecture you. I am sorry did I offend? It's just that you are like one of my guy friends. I don't like it when you dress classy. You know I prefer my women a little trashy.

You spend too much time with your friends and family. Do you want our relationship to end? I've told you this a hundred times. Do not get angry or speak your mind. One of these days you will cross the line and I will have to do what I must. I'm afraid my dear you have lost my trust. When I look at you I feel no desire. I'm sorry dear I'm much too tired.

Of all these words I have been forced to hear, none have been to ask me what I truly want. It feels as if I am only here to play a part. I am not asking for a perfect life. I just a man who will hold my hand. A man who will dry my tears and help me to face my fears. One who will not seek to change me to suit him. One who will help me to be comfortable in my own skin. Im not asking to be a wife. I'm just looking for a happy life. Someone who will be proud of me for who and what I am. Someone who will not make me one of many. A man who is not afraid to have me in his life. One who is strong and confident enough to know, no matter where I go, that for me his arms are home. A man that does not depend on me to be his soul source of happiness. A man who will allow me to use my voice. A man who will respect me and that I can respect in turn. What I really want is a man like my Grandfather who loved my Grandmother with a whole hearted devotion. Who will love me without fear of the emotion?